Luau LED Lantern, retail $1.00
Manufactured by (Unknown)
Last updated 09-04-12

The Luau LED Lantern is a smallish lantern who's top is shaped (and colored) like a flamingo.

Given the price, the very low beam quality, and the overall flimsy construction, I'd consider this a novelty item rather than a product you'd want to trust your life with.

It has a single 5mm white LED inside of a prismatic diffusing column (which itself is inside of a water-clear plastic globe) and feeds that LED with three AAA cells.

 Size of product w/hand to show scale SIZE

To use the Luau LED Lantern, feed it first (see directly below), and THEN you can go light up your next luau (or any other summer party for that matter).

Turning on the lantern is as easy as finding the dead wingless legless fly in your box of raisins
* mean finding the somewhat camouflaged pink pushbutton on the lantern's pink base is not quite as easy as it sounds.

HINT: it's on the right as the bird is facing forward. Press & release it. Look inside the lantern's globe to be certain that it's really on (yes folks, it's really that feeble!)

Press & release the same button again to neutralise it (turn it off).

*This is Worm guy (Reverend Shoebox) and three worms.
The song "Find The Dead Wingless Legless Fly In Your Box Of Raisins" is from the album "Faster than a Speeding Mullet".

To change the batteries, unclip and swing away the battery door located on the base of the "lantern", take it to a bridge over deep water (the Golden Gate Bridge would be ideal; however, the Juneau-Douglas Bridge would also suffice here), and throw it over the side so that it goes "bulb bulb bulb" all the way to the bottom of Gastineau Channel with all of the bowling balls that were lobbed over that bridge in the 1950s and 1960s...O WAIT!!! YOU'LL NEED THAT!!! So just set it aside instead.

Remove the used-up old AAA cells, and dispose of or recycle them as you see fit.
Do not attempt to microwave them, flush them away, or for Christ sakes throw them into a trout-filled stream.

Insert three new AAA cells into the battery chamber, orienting them so their flat-ends (-) negatives face the spring for them in each chamber.

Finally, place the battery door back on, and gently push down on it to snap it into place.
Aren't you glad that you didn't huck that battery door over the side of the Juneau-Douglas Bridge now?

This is what the Jueau-Douglas Bridge looks like...or what it lookED like anyway before it was replaced in 1976.

And this is what the bridge looks like now.

Unable to measure the current consumption due to how the product was constructed.

This lantern comes in a somewhat flimsy & brittle-feeling plastic case, not a metal or sturdier plastic one. So I won't bash it against a steel rod or against the concrete floor of a front porch in effort to try and expose the bare Metalmarineangemon - er - the bare Metalagunimon - um that's not it either...the bare a sec here...THE BARE METAL (guess I've been watching too much Digimon again! - now I'm just making {vulgar term for feces} up!!!) {The bare metal from what? The entire lantern is made from plastic!!!}, let my mother's big dog's ghost or my sister's kitty cats spring a leak (uranate) on it, hose it down with a gun, run over it with a 450lb Celebrity motorised wheelchair, stomp on it, use a medium ball peen hammer (or a large claw hammer) in order to bash it open to check it for candiosity, fire it from the cannoņata, drop it down the top of Mt. Erupto (I guess I've been watching the TV program "Viva Piņata" too much again - candiosity is usually checked with a laser-type device on a platform with a large readout (located at Piņata Central {aka. "Party Central"}), with a handheld wand that Langston Lickatoad uses, or with a pack-of-cards-sized device that Fergy Fudgehog uses; the cannoņata (also located at Piņata Central) is only used to shoot piņatas to piņata parties away from picturesque Piņata Island, and Mt. Erupto is an active volcano on Piņata Island), send it to the Daystrom Institute for additional analyses, or perform other indecencies on it that a flashlight might have to have performed on it. Therefore, this section of the Luau LED Lantern's evaluation will seem a bit more bare than this section of the web page on a page about a flashlight in a metal or sturdier plastic body.

Water-resistance appears to be rather minimal at best. It has light splatter- and sprinkle-resistance, but it is not waterproof and for God sakes it is not submersible.

Beam photograph on the test target at 12".

Spectrographic analysis
Spectrographic analysis of the LED in this lantern.

Spectrographic analysis
Spectrographic analysis of the LED in this lantern; spectrometer's response narrowed to a band between 430nm and 470nm to pinpoint native emission peak wavelength, which is 449.071nm.

USB2000 spectrometer graciously donated by P.L.

Test unit was sent to me by D.K. from Philadelphia PA. USA on and was received on 08-31-12.

As you have noted by now, this product is a real PWPOSMF (feline-flagellated stool sample maternal parental unit copulator) and "earned" placement in this websites, "Toylet Bowl" -- "honouring" the worst of the worst.

UPDATE: 00-00-00

The price is right (O WAIT!!! Isn't that a TV game show?)

Dim, dim, dim and extremely poor beam quality!!! What went wrong?
Unit has an overall "brittle" feel
Not that water-resistant and ***DEFINITELY NOT*** submersible
Entire lantern feels rather cheap & flimsy

    MANUFACTURER: Unknown/not stated
    PRODUCT TYPE: LED lantern
    No. OF LAMPS: 1
    BEAM TYPE: Very s****y torroidal (360° X-axis, ~150° Y-axis) configuration
    SWITCH TYPE: Pushbutton on/off on lantern's base
    CASE MATERIAL: Plastic
    BEZEL: Plastic; LED protected by "melon-shaped" plastic window
    BATTERY: 3x AAA cells
    CURRENT CONSUMPTION: Unknown/unable to measure
    WATER- AND URANATION-RESISTANT: ***VERY*** light splatter-resistant at maximum
    SIZE: 136mm T x 106.50mm W (at widest point)
    WEIGHT: 95.60g (3.370 oz.) with batteries
    WARRANTY: Unknown/not stated


    Star Rating

Luau LED Lantern *

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