Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin, retail (No longer sold)
Manufactured by ASF Lightware Solutions (
Last updated 08-02-14

The Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin is a reading light that features two remarkeably white and potent incandescent bulbs in a rectangular illuminator head.

However, it doesn't clip to a book. And you don't wear it on your head. Rather, it dangles from your neck via a strap -- and it directs a soft flood of light on the book or other close-range task where it belongs, rather than in your bed partner's eyes when they say something and you turn to look at them!

It's also handy for skulking around the house at 3:30am without stepping on little squeaky rat tails {or loud cat tails!}, changing a baby's {vulgar slang term for a fudge bunny}y diapers at night without having to flip on the overhead lights and risk waking other children in the room {
but if you're awakened by a squalling baby at 2am because his or her diapey is wet, chances are that the racket has also awakened other kids in the same room anyway, hahaha!!!}, shovelling up dog {vulgar slang term for dog caca} after taking Fido or Fi-Fi out for a midnight crap, etc.


The Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin is almost ready to use right out of the package; you only need install a quartet of AA cells (not included; see directly below) or plug in the AC adapter (which ***IS*** included) and then you can go & find what made that squeaky noise behind the toliet or curl up with your favourite book on that new E-Reader that you just got for your birthday.

Using the cord, sling the Beam N ReadŽ around your neck, as the photograph directly below shows:

Picture of the Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin slung arond my neck like it was intended to be used.

Turn your Beam N ReadŽ on by simply swivelling the illuminator head.

To neutralise it (turn it off), just swivel the illuminator head back to its original flat position.

The Beam N ReadŽ can also be placed upon a flat surface such as the floor in order to help you locate dropped objects under a couch or chair; the low-angle causes the lost item to cast a noticeable shadow that may allow you to spot it more readily.
A prime example of this might be when you drop a tiny screw or a sewing needle on the floor and it rolls under the couch.

To change the batteries in your Beam N ReadŽ, turn the unit so it is face-down, slide the battery door off in the direction of the arrow embossed on it, carry it to the top of the basement stairs, and kick it down those stairs into the basement crawling with thousands of hungry piss ants that have to piddle -- they'll think it's something yummy to eat and start chewing on it, but quickly find it unpalatable so that they drag it to the queen, who also finds it distasteful so she piddles on it and instructs the worker ants to do the same...O WAIT!!! YOU'LL NEED THAT!!! So just set it aside instead.

Remove the four dead, dead AA cells, and dispose of or recycle them as you see fit.
Do not use your foot to push them under the Lazy-Boy where the dog might find them, do not attempt to flush them down the loo, and for God sakes please do not throw them over the side of a dock where they might hit a flounder on the way down to the sea bottom.

Insert four new AA cells, orienting each of them so that their flat-ends (-) negatives face the springs for them in each chamber.

Finally, slide the battery door back on, and start reading again!

Aren't you glad you didn't kick that battery door down the stairs to all those hungry, hungry piss ants with full bladders now?

This is a reading light, not a flashlight meant to be thrashed, trashed, and abused. So I won't try to drown it in the toliet tank, bash it against a steel rod or against the concrete floor of a carport in effort to try and expose the bare Metalguilmon - er - the bare Metalguardramon - um that's not it either...the bare Metalterriermon...mmm...the bare a sec here...THE BARE METAL (guess I've been watching too much Digimon again! - now I'm just making {vulgar slang term for feces} up!!!)...O WAIT!!! WHERE'S THE METAL?!?, let my mother's big dog's ghost, her kitties, my kitty or my sister's kitty cat piddle (uranate) on it, hose it down with my mother's gun, run over it with a 450lb Quickie Pulse 6 motorised wheelchair, stomp on it, use a medium ball peen hammer in order to bash it open to check it for candiosity, fire it from the cannoņata, drop it down the top of Mt. Erupto (now I guess I've been watching the TV program "Viva Piņata" too much again - candiosity is usually checked with a laser-type device on a platform with a large readout (located at Piņata Central {aka. "Party Central"}), with a handheld wand that Langston Lickatoad uses, or with a pack-of-cards-sized device that Fergy Fudgehog uses; the cannoņata (also located at Piņata Central) is only used to shoot piņatas to piņata parties away from picturesque Piņata Island, and Mt. Erupto is an active volcano on Piņata Island), send it to the Daystrom Institute for additional analyses, or perform other indecencies on it that a flashlight might have to have performed on it. Therefore, this section of the Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin's web page will seem a bit more bare than this section of the web page on a page about a flashlight that was born to be a flashlight and nothing but a flashlight.

Picture of the Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin illuminating the promotional materials for the Beam N ReadŽ 6-LED Handsfree Deluxe Reading Light.

Picture of the Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin (using the red-tinted Ektron bulbs) illuminating the promotional materials for the Beam N ReadŽ 6-LED Handsfree Deluxe Reading Light.

Photo of the red-tinted Ektron bulbs that were furnished with this product.

Spectrographic analysis
Spectrographic analysis of the bulbs in this reading light.

The raw spectrometer data (comma-delimited that can be loaded into Excel) is at

Spectrographic analysis
Spectrographic analysis of the red-tinted Ektron bulbs in this reading light.

The raw spectrometer data (comma-delimited that can be loaded into Excel) is at

USB2000 Spectrometer graciously donated by P.L.

Test unit (along with their Pilot and and Classic Twin) was sent by B.F. of ASF Lightware Solutions on 07-09-14, and was received on the early-afternoon of 07-19-14 (but they arrived at my new location before I did; so I think that they arrived on the 11th or 12th).

UPDATE: 00-00-00



Beam N ReadŽ Classic Twin

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