1. Make him watch his own show.
2. Make him gargle broken glass.
3. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades.
(kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!)
4. Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room
full of feminists.
5. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu -enough said
6. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston
7. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods
8. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely
resembles Picasso's "Guernica".
9. Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican
bobsled in the 1996 Winter Olympics.
10. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss
Colony store display model.
11. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces
of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's
12. Shoot him.
13. "Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...."
14. Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed,
Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off.
15. Donate his body to science...early.
16. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them
that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the
park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's
knee-caps as conversation pieces.
17. Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it
take to get to the middle of a Barney?" Peel off layers of skin
one at a time.
18. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.
19. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch
his body explode.
20. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and
then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest
natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be
worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!
21. Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery).
22. Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things
for a year or so...
23. Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and
breaded is my personal favourite) then grind up his bones for
fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney.
Then repeat the process as many times as you like...
24. Sew his lips to his asshole.
25. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.
26. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.
27. Toss him into a blast furnace.
28. Make him a referee in an NHL game.
29. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your
30. Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book.
31. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.
32. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in
his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal
until he screams.
33. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf
and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps.
34. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with
hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...
35. Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the
floor. Don't give him a needle and thread.
36. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the
vultures have him. I am not sure that is a good idea because we
don't need to be that cruel to the vultures.
37. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we
are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by!
38. There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be
considered water pollution.
39. Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest
depths of hell" 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch
40. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt.
41. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See
how effective that torture method *really* is.
42. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...)
43. Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.
44. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites,
without environmental gear.
45. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench.
46. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next
47. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes
before the next test.
48. Send him to Somalia as famine relief.
49. Target practice.
50. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite
51. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane.
Then throw the chute after him.
52. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping
53. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.
54. Cruise missile target.
55. Plutonium enema.
56. "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate."
57. Send him to Miami in a rented car.
58. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.
59. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.
60. Make him become a politician in Mexico.
61. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.
62. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs
like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
63. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show"
64. Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of
65. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with
66. Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug'
67. Shave his fur. ALL of it.
68. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the
69. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends"
tapes with "Beavis 'n' Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to
70. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear
71. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.
72. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the
sex-starved convicts after him.
73. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity
is 9.8 m/s^2 on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the
Sears tower too.
74. Let him take a New York Subway at night.
75. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (that is the
water barriers, not the other kind).
76. Use him as a bungee cord.
77. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)
78. Let him help put out forest fires.
79. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the
80. Throw him into a combine.
81. Bazooka blast to the cranium.
82. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said.
83. Tie him up like a pinata and have small Mexican children beat
it to death.
84. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.
85. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.
86. Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction.
87. Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60.
88. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is
that they're mostly purple too).
89. Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing
90. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station
AFTER the next evacuation.
91. Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical
- Nuclear Warfare unit.
92. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and
powdered aluminum. (use lots of both... < 100 pounds... mix
well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler.
93. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.
94. See if liquid helium has similar effects.
95. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap
Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You'll need another sparkler.
96. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.
97. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can
unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill
98. Microwave ovens work wonders.
99. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country
music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!
100. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.
101. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself.
102. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of
homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on
103. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their
104. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to
105. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and
napalm. #2 is full of pepper.
106. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.
107. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.
108. Put him in Crip gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible)
109. Drain-O milkshakes.
110. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler".
111. Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church
112. Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM.
113. "Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid."
114. Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.
115. Send him to France and have him declare he's American.
116. Let him drink the water in Juadalahara.
117. Get him married to O J Simpson.
118. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy.
119. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.
120. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.
121. Tell the NRA he supports gun control.
122. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy
123. A Black Hole.
124. "Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than
125. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)
126. Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix
127. "Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?"
128. Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.
129. Tell him piranhas like to be petted.
130. Fill the sandbox with quicksand.
131. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head.
132. Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the
meat and serve it, though!)
133. Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets
around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either
let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through
the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly,
134. Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since
Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch
135. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess
136. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach
down the purple one's throat( a funnel may come in handy) then
stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt
his organs from the inside out.
137. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day;
you've made a new treat! "JURASSIC FRITTERS"!
138. Sign him up as the new drummer for" Spinal Tap".
139. Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and
send him to Rush Limbaugh's house.
140. Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies.
141. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the
bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats
(preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes). If you get
tired of this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door.
142. Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death.
143. Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher.
144. Introduce him to a pit bull.
145. Stuff him down the garbage disposal.
146. Mummify him.
147. Give him drowning lessons.
148. Nitroglycerin suppository
149. Paper cuts from hate mail
150. Wine press
151. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g.
1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
152. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
153. Exploding gas barbecue
154. Rusty meat hook
155. Pulp digester / Saw mill
155. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu
156. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
157. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
158. Exploding school bus
159. Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love
and happiness to all of the carnivores.
160. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide
161. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongy feet
162. Asphyxiation on a twinkie
163. Bungee jumping with cord tied around neck (with static
164. 1000 RPM merry-go-round
165. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road
166. Tail caught in elevator doors
167. Legalization of purple slavery
168. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
(e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric)
169. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
170. Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a
symbol for white supremacy)
171. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun.
172. Replace the candles on his birthday cake with sticks of TNT.
173. Swarmed by killer bees
174. Purple parasites
175. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he
the ring leader in disguise)
176. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
177. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
178. Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn't want
179. Acupuncture with a nail gun
180. Hit and run at a school crossing
181. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
182. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
183. Harpooned by a whaling ship
184. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank
185. Run over by a Zamboni
186. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
187. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
188. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength
189. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
190. Replace the powder in his Pixie-Stix candy with cocaine.
191. Egyptian mummification ritual.
192. Visit to the taxidermist.
193. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
194. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.
195. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
196. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
197. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
198. Compressed to a singularity.
199. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be
worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label)
200. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the
201. Heat pasteurization.
202. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
203. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
204. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold
205. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas
206. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
207. Fix his hemmorhoids with the electric hedge trimmer.
208. Feed him fish & chips (& vinegar - Acetic Acid) and top it
with lots of salt.
(H2C3 H2O ) +NaCl -> Na2C3 H2O + HCl
209. Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey.
210. Just wait. Congress will probably cut his funding soon,
211. Send him to a cannibal infested island.
212. Make him stick his head in a paper shredder, or a garbage
disposal, or a lawn mower... you get the Idea.
213. Use him as archery practice.
214. Use him as bayonet practice.
215. Tie him to the back of a semi. Drive over very hard
216. Tell him that lying in the road is fun.
217. Send him so Spain for "The running of the bulls" (tie
weights to his feet)
218. Throw him in a shark pit.
219. Throw him in a alligator pit.
220. Put him in a blender and sell him as grape flavoured
children's cough syrup. (Of course that would be cruelty to
221. Make him listen to Preston Manning (leader of Reform party
in Canada, he has a high pitched, squawking voice).
222. Send him to Africa wearing KKK clothes.
223. Send him to Cuba with a shirt saying "Fidel sucks."
224. Give Barney a gasoline shower and then make him smoke. (Burn
225. Make him take a bath and drop a radio, hair dryer,
microwave, and etc. in there with him.
226. Put him on a NYC subway without an weapon
227. Put him on a NYC bus without money(and watch what the
drivers do to him)
228. Send him Door to Door in NYC Asking for contributions to
keep Barney on TV.
229. Lock him and Baby Bop in a cave with The Power Rangers (They
both suck so much they should stay like that for ever until they
are forced to eat each other)
230. Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into
an iron maiden.
231. Nail him down to a sidewalk, then get a bicycle and ride
back and forth over him until he dies, relishing the sounds of
his bones crackling and breaking like newspapers, seeing seams
burst open in his sides and foam guts flying out them, hearing
his final agonized screech before you crush his head with a tire.
232. Shove his head in a floppy drive, then type "format a:".
233. Make him sit in the passenger seat of an experimental sports
car, speed the car up to an incredible velocity, then shove his
head out the window and watch his layers of polyester and nylon
skin float away.
234. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, putty up the
bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats
(preferable creatures like spiders and centipedes). When you are
satisfied with the number of bugs putty up the top slats, sit
back, and enjoy hearing his howls and shrieks of terror until you
tire and shoot him through the locker door.
235. Send him to a Gay Pride parade wearing a shirt that reads "I hate
236. Make him bungee jump with a regular rope tied around his
237. Place Barney in a quarantine room and give him an injection
of the latest Level 4 viruses, including Ebola.
238. Paint him white and handcuff him to a streetlight in a
housing project full of gangbangers.
239. Tell Michael Jackson there is a little boy inside the
240. Perform dentistry on him with a Black & Decker electric
drill, using a really big drill bit.
241. Force feed him Hudson river water.
242. Make him swallow broken light bulbs.
243. Force-administer him lots and lots of Barium enemas.
244. Shove a beer bottle up his ass and smash it with a hammer.
245. Burn him repeatedly with a cauterizing wand.
246. "Accidentally" leave the heart defibrillator turned on, with
the paddles superglued to his chest.
247. Smash in all his teeth with a crescent wrench, then perform
root canals and extractions of them all without using novacaine.
248. Three-week old urine specimens. Need we say more?
249. Souffle a'la Barney. Microwave or conventional oven.
250. Locked in with the sequestered O.J. Simpson jury members
for the entire duration of trial.
251. Let him fiddle around with a magnetron.
252. Toliet bowl cleaner and Comet forced down his throat.
253. An enema made with a whole box of automatic dishwasher detergent.
254. Dress him like a drag queen and drop off at a biker bar.
255. Knock over the row of Harleys at the same bar, blame it on him.
256. Barney at the bottom of an elevator shaft. Load the elevator
with grand pianos, bring to top floor, and cut the cable.
257. Inject with crank, speedballs, and opium; put PCP in his crack pipe.
258. Large double-headed dildo, filled with strong acid or alkali,
inserted into Barney's bunghole and left to disintegrate.
259. Strapped to medieval torture device, and worked on till mortality.
260. Send him to a gay bar with a repertoire of the cruelest gay jokes.
261. Send him to McHugh's Irish Pub with repertoire of Irish jokes.
262. Jack In The Box cheezeburgers. Lots of them.
263. Barney the Construction Worker.... oops!
264. Stab with used syringes from the AIDS testing laboratory.
265. Replacement quarterback for any NFL team.
266. Replacement goalie for any NHL team.
267. Barney bumper guards on any seagoing garbage scow.
268. Replacement "Jason" on any "Friday the 13" movie.
269. Send him out trick or treating in the bad part of town.
Don't give him a flashlight or reflective clothing.
270. The Barney Christmas Tree holder. Be sure to use frayed cords
for the tree lights, running the cord underneath him. Water well.
271. Test target for any railgun.
272. Make him smoke in a cigerette lighter factory.
273. Product tester for the Ex-Lax company. Do not provide toliet.
274. Tank full of electric eels.
275. Government LSD test subject. (Acid-O-Therapy)
276. Barney. Warp core breach. End of story.
277. Seal Barney in a Jefferies tube, release neurophosgene gas.
278. Transporter malfunction.
279. Lock Barney in a cage with Asian bird-eating tarantulas. Lots of them.
280. Shove a paper bag down his throat.
281. Make him swallow defective condoms filled with heroin.
282. Put him in the pressurized chicken fryer ala KFC Extra Crispy.
283. Lock him in a commercial freezer with an ammonia leak inside.
284. Decompression chamber.
285. Job as a process server in Harlem or L.A.
286. Bicycle messenger in New York.
287. Lance open abdomen to expose viscera, leave near anthill.
288. Open heart surgery, "forget" about using anesthesia.
289. Chainsaw enema.
290. Shotgun enema.
291. Feed a liquid diet deficient in iron and fibre, and let him
die of chronic diarrhea.
292. Insulin injections. Lots of them.
293. Test target for a 40 megawatt beam of positrons and antiprotons.
294. Replacement insulator for high tension transmission line.
295. The Barney Ballast Resistor. (a little tight fitting in TV cabinet)
296. Insert broom handle up Barney's bunghole, and use as a toliet plunger.
297. Wire him to hi-power FM transmitter and use as a dummy load.
298. While he's douching, rehook his enema hose to the vacuum cleaner.
299. Replace all his golf clubs wit lug wrenches and tire irons. Make
him carry his own bag.
300. Force-fed all the urine samples from the drug testing lab.
301. Force-fed dozens of leaking flashlight batteries.
302. Strapped down under a 2500-watt mercury vapour lamp with a broken
outer envelope for 16 hours. Then rub in moistened salt paste with
coarse-grade sandpaper. (Hint: Mercury lamps emit LOTS of ultraviolet)
303. Band saw.
304. The Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker.
305. Saw off his sack (castration).
306. Put him in bed with Lorraina Bobbitt, Tanya Harding and Hillary
Clinton. He will wake up the next morning with two broken legs,
missing his ding dong, and without health insurance.
307. Abdominal peritonitis.
308. Feed it lots of calcium and baking soda. (alkalosis and kidney
309. Dropped in a launching tube with the 4th of July fireworks.
Light the fireworks tubes with his birthday candles.
310. Used as a urinator at a multiple-keg beer bash.
311. Anthrax and rodent-vector hemmorhagic fever injections.
312. Thrown in the moshpit at the next Metallica concert.
313. Put on a pair of black gloves and O.J. his butt.
314. Test out the new Dino-Slicer from Ronko.
315. Cover with honey and show him how Baby Bob broke your Uncle Milton Ant
316. Put him in a blender, heat to warm....Dino-De Jour.
317. Two words "Dino Burgers."
318. Put Barney in an espresso maker, Cafe Jurrasic.
319. Shove live rats up his ass and let them eat thier way out.
320. Hook up a vacuum cleaner to his colostomy bag, set for Edge-Kleener.
321. Crazy glue his anus closed, and force feed him five bottles of Fleet
Phospho-soda saline laxative.
322. Sharpen up the old wood ax and give him a "Split Personality."
323. Shove a cordless telephone up his ass and call his number until he
answers it. Call collect.
324: Laser eye surgery, using Star Wars technology.
325: Make him count the transistors in a Pentium chip. Punish severely
every time he loses count, so he has to start over.
326: Boeing aircraft crash test dummy.
327: Make him do surgery on his own bunghole. Hand him plenty of dull
knives and scissors to do the job with. Dip scissors in an unflushed
toliet, rotting kitchen garbage, or other bacteria-laden places.
328: The Barney Aquarium Ornament. After a few days, buy some nice pirhanas
for the fishtank, turn off the light, and dump them in.
329: Have him drive a UPS truck through the Chicago picket lines.
330: The Barney Lightning Rod.
331: Flatten with a steam roller, and cut out urinator screens from the
332: Strap into a wheelchair. Unscrew the brake handles, and roll off the
top of a San Francisco or Seattle hilltop. In either case, he should
hit water at the bottom.
333: The Barney Toliet Seat Cover.
334: Strap into a wheelchair, and roll toward the front of a large jet
aircraft. Callously allow him to be sucked into the engine intake.
335: Force him to write "Barney Death Lists" for all eternity.
336: Cram him into a toliet tank and drop off a tall cliff or building.
337: Force him to hand-spin the "disk" inside a hard disk drive. Punish
each time a disk error occurs. If too many errors occur, cut off
his hands and spank him with them.
338: Substitute Barney for Principal McVickar in a Beavis & Butthead show.
Repeat process until Barney runs out of clean pants and pills.
Then let Daria and Buzzcut beat the bejeesus out of him.
339: Soak him thoroughly and deposit him in Antarctica.
340: Deposit Barney in Disneyland on Gay Day, and let all the queers
hug him until he dies. Then put the corpse in Goofy's dog dish.
341: Break his arms and legs and leave him at a Benny Hinn revival.
342: Have him star in an Energizer commercial substituting for the Bunny,
and have the guy lie about which battery really lasts longer.
343: Replace the couch on Beavis and Butthead in the "Die Fly Die" episode.
Replace it with Barney.
344: Vaya con Cornholio.
345: Make him eat chicken in Hong Kong.
346: Pop fluorescent light bulbs over his head until he chokes on all that
white powder and dies. (Wear a respirator when you do this)
347: Throw Barney into an electrical vault. Water well.
348: The Barney Candleholder. Let the candles burn all the way down.
349: Put him halfway in an open elevator. Have someone up on the roof to
cut the cable before he gets all the way inside.
350: Feed him Ex-Lax brownies, then sew his lips to his asshole.
351: Ben-Gay his genitalia. Tell him it's to stop "morning wood".
352: Shove a lamp up his bunghole, then turn it on and walk away.
Be sure to use a 100W or larger light bulb.
353: Strap his head to the largest loudspeaker at an Anthrax concert.
354: Put him in a black Mercedes and send into a tunnel with photographers
on motorcycles taking his picture.
355: Replace the wrecking ball at a demolition with Barney. Wreck a building
or two with this contraption.
356: Dry-clean Barney. Immediately toss him into a gas fired clothes dryer,
start it, and glue the timer knob to the machine. Run like hell!
357: A .357 in the wrong hands works wonders. Jamming a lighted propane
or acetylene torch down his throat also works quite effectively.
358: Lock him in a suitcase and leave at the Denver airport. I don't think
they've fixed their suitcase-eating baggage carousel yet.
359: The Barney Diaper Pail. Give it to those people who had septuplets.
360: Have him field all of the hate calls to PBS for ever putting Barney
on the air to begin with.
361: Insert seal bombs, cherry bombs, Roman candles and bottle rockets into
all of Barney's bodily orfices and skin folds. Connect fuses together
and put them in an electrically-fired squib. Wire the squib to the
smoke alarm, and then go burn some toast.
362: Insert some Whistling Petes into his bunghole. Light the fuses.
363: Clean up spilled gasoline with paper towels, then throw them in the
toliet. Force him to smoke while taking a dump. Be sure he throws
the match (or the siggeret stub) in the toliet afterwards.
364: Jam full bottles of champagne down his throat. Set him on a really
shaky or strongly vibrating amusement ride for awhile, then hit him
in the stomach with a tire iron.
365: Wind fifty strings of Christmas lights around him, then take him
outside, set in shallow water, plug the lights in, then kick him over.
366: Cut off his ding-dong and shove it up his bunghole. Do *not* bandage
up the stub of his pee-pee. Force-feed warfarin teepz if necessary.
This should provide you with one (1) cruel method to dispatch that hideous
purple satan lover for EACH and EVERY DAY of the coming year, including leap year.
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