An idiot's guide for using the vacuum cleaner & disembowelling it when it pisses you off.

Company is coming over, and your fucking carpet looks like shit. There are cigarette stubs, beer cans, bong ashes, smashed Doritos, and spilled flowerpots all over the place.
What do you do? Oh god what do you do?!?

Every bachelor needs to know how to fucking vacuum, and today you'll learn how.
First, you need one of these ============>
This is called a fucking vacuum cleaner, or fucking vacuum for short.

If you don't have one, go out and buy a fucking broom.







The first thing you need to know is that you can't just turn on your fucking vacuum and start picking shit up. If you tried to clean this rug, your fucking vacuum would soon end up in the fucking garbage can.

Almost everything here has to be fucking picked up by hand. The batteries, the light bulb, the bread bag clip, the bottle, the pack of resistors, the broken plastic spoon, the rubber bands, the twist tie, the empty pack of cigarettes, the ballpoint pen, and the party horn you should have thrown away four weeks ago.
That leaves just the styrofoam packing turds and a few assorted small crumbs for your fucking vacuum to pick up.
Now, let's get ready to fucking vacuum!!



Start by unwinding the fucking cord from the fucking handle of your fucking vacuum. Don't just yank it off the hook or you'll break it off and you won't be able to wind the cord back on the cleaner again.

Now, plug your fucking vacuum into a fucking outlet.
If everything is correct, absolutely nothing should happen. Not until you actually turn on your fucking vacuum.

If this pisses you off, just wait until you have to change the fucking vacuum bag!!




NEXT... TURNING ON YOUR FUCKING VACUUM & VACUUMING A DIRTY RUG.



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