1: Make him watch the SpongeBob SquarePants movie over & over & over...

2: Make him gargle broken glass.

3: Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades. (kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!)

4: Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists.

5: Send him to Sea World to see Shamu  -enough said

6: Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway.

7: Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November.

8: Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica".

9: Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican bobsled in the 1996 Winter Olympics.

10: Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss Colony store display model.

11: Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye green,
     and use as lapel pins for St: Patrick's Day.

12: Shoot him.

13: "Squidward, I would like you to meet Dr: Kevorkian...."

14: Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed, Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off.

15: Donate his body to science...early.

16: Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200
     in a bag under the rock in the park....mention the fact that you would ***LOVE***
     to have Squidward's kneecaps as conversation pieces.

17: Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it take to get to the middle
     of a Squidward?" Peel off layers of skin one at a time.

18: Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.

19: Have him magically turn his Easter Island-shaped house into a vacuum...
     watch his body explode.

20: Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time,
     selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete squid skeleton would be
     worth a fortune!  Death to Squidward for fun AND profit!

21: Put him in straitjacket (really tough & leathery).

22: Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things     for a year or so...

23: Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and breaded is my personal favourite)
     then grind up his bones for fertilizer: Sell food to an enemy...watch enemy become Squidward: 
     Then repeat the process as many times as you like...

24: Sew his lips to his asshole.

25: Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.

26: Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.

27: Toss him into a blast furnace.

28: Make him a referee in an NHL game.

29: Tell the kids of the world that Squidward wants you to eat your vegetables.

30: Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Green Squid" book.

31: Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.
 
32: Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then
     beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal until he screams.

33: Put him on the Starship Enterprise: Make him go up to Worf and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps.

34: Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers.

35: Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the floor:  Don't give him a needle and thread.

36: Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the vultures have him.
     I am not sure that is a good idea because we don't need to be that cruel to the vultures.

37: Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A:  If we are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by!

38: There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be considered water pollution.

39: Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest depths of hell"
     100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch long.

40: Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his green butt.

41: Bury all but his head in an anthill:  Cover with honey:  See how effective that torture method *really* is.

42: Shark bait:  (Need to cut him up a little first...)

43: Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.

44: Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites, without environmental gear.

45: Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench (with scuba gear on, of course!!!).

46: Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next launch.

47: Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes before the next test.

48: Send him to Somalia as famine relief.

49: Target practice.

50: Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite factory.

51: Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane. Then throw the chute after him.

52: Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs: Bobbitt helping
out.

53: Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.

54: Cruise missile target.

55: Plutonium enema.

56: "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate."

57: Send him to Miami in a rented car.

58: Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.

59: Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.

60: Make him become a politician in Mexico.

61: Take him bungee jumping:  Forget to secure bungee cord.

62: Poke him in the belly:  With an ice pick:  See if he laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

63: Cast him in place of Mr: Bill on "The Mr: Bill Show"

64: Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of balance.

65: Send him to Loch Ness:  Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him.

66: Cut off his arms and say "Let's see you play your clarinet ***NOW***!!!"

67: Shave his fur:  ALL of it.

68: The Juice Tiger:  It separates the Squidward pulp from the Squidward juices.

69: Infiltrate the Nickelodeon stations and switch the "SpongeBob SquarePants" tapes with
     "Beavis and Butt-Head" and watch the kids burn him to death.

70: Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear generating station.

71: Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.

72: Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the sex-starved convicts after him.

73: Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 on Earth.
     Oh! and make sure that it is off of the Sears tower too.

74: Let him take a New York Subway at night.

75: Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland:  (that is the water barriers, not the other kind).

76: Use him as a bungee cord.

77: Make him hug Madonna:  (When she's wearing her pointy bra)

78: Let him help put out forest fires.

79: Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the beast.

80: Throw him into a combine.

81: Bazooka blast to the cranium.

82: Nuclear Bombs:  Nuff said.

83: Tie him up like a pinata and have small Mexican children beat it to death.

84: Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.

85: Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.

86: Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction.

87: Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60.

88: Put him in a cage that houses 1000 geckoes (irony is that they're mostly green too).

89: Have him change targets at a rifle range..: without ceasing
fire.

90: Put him to work at the Mt: St: Helens Close Study Station AFTER the next evacuation.

91: Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical - Nuclear Warfare unit.

92: Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and powdered aluminum:
     (use lots of both..: < 100 pounds..: mix well, but carefully)  Toss in a lit sparkler.

93: Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.

94: See if liquid helium has similar effects.

95: Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap Flakes:  (mix until gel-like)  You'll need another sparkler.

96: Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.

97: Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can unite under a single
cause for once in a thousand years and kill him!

98: Microwave ovens work wonders.

99: Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!

100: Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.

101: Put him on trial for pedophilia:  He'll kill himself.

102: Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of homosexuality.
     NOTE:  Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on the Earth.

103: Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their raise.

104: Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters.

105: Give him two bottles: #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and napalm:   #2 is full of pepper.

106: Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.

107: Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.

108: Put him in Crip gear in a Blood neighbourhood: (reversible)

109: Drain-O milkshakes.

110: Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler".

111: Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church

112: Virtual Realty SquidwardDOOM.

113: "Gee Mr: Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid."

114: Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.

115: Send him to France and have him declare he's American.

116: Let him drink the water in Juadalahara.

117: Get him married to O J Simpson.

118: Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy.

119: Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.

120: 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.

121: Tell the NRA he supports gun control.

122: Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal.(reversible)

123: A Black Hole.

124: "Gee Mr: Barkley, I can play basketball better than you......."

125: Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3: (128k total)

126: Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix Cube.

127: "Can I have a drink of that, Mr: Socrates?"

128: Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.

129: Tell him piranhas like to be petted.

130: Fill the sandbox with quicksand.

131: Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head.

132: Shove him into a meat-grinder:  (Don't actually cook the meat and serve it, though!)

133: Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets around him, thus scaring the piss out of him,
     then either let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through the door (but in the gut!
     That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly and painfully!).

134: Infect Sandy Cheeks with some debilitating disease, then, since Squidward
     obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch the fun.

135: Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies.
                      
136: Pour equal, and large amounts of toliet bowl cleaner and then bleach down the green one's
     throat (a funnel may come in handy) then stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes
     quickly melt his organs from the inside out.

137: Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day;
you've made a new treat! "SQUID-FLAVOURED FRITTERS"!

138: Sign him up as the new drummer for" Spinal Tap".

139: Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and send him to Rush Limbaugh's house.

140: Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies.

141: Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the bottom slats, then slowly drop
     bugs in through the top slats (preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes): If you get
     tired of this get a gun and shoot Squidward through the locker door.

142: Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death.

143: Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher.

144: Introduce him to a pit bull.

145: Stuff him down the garbage disposal.

146: Mummify him.

147: Give him air-breathing lessons.

148: Nitroglycerin suppository

149: Paper cuts from hate mail

150: Wine press

151: Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)

152: Clubbed by a baby seal hunter

153: Exploding gas barbecue

154: Rusty meat hook

155: Pulp digester / Saw mill

155: Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu

156: Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).

157: Squidward meets the Terminator: "Hasta la vista...Squidward!".

158: Exploding school bus

159: Field trip to your local zoo:  Squidward loves to play his clarinet for all of the carnivores.

160: Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide

161: Trampling by thousands of tiny spongy feet

162: Asphyxiation on a twinkie

163: Bungee jumping with cord tied around neck (with static line?)

164: 1000 RPM merry-go-round

165: Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road

166: Tail caught in elevator doors

167: Legalization of green slavery

168: Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
     (e.g: nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric)

169: Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.

170: Thrown in a vat of bleach: (White Squidward could become a symbol for white supremacy)

171: Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun -- 'after burners'?)

172: Replace the candles on his birthday cake with sticks of TNT.

173: Swarmed by killer bees

174: Purple parasites

175: Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he the ring leader in disguise)

176: Chopped up into pet food (Purina Squidward chow)

177: Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.

178: Assimilation by the Borg:  (but they probably wouldn't want him)

179: Acupuncture with a nail gun

180: Hit and run at a school crossing

181: Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens

182: Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.

183: Harpooned by a whaling ship

184: OOPS!  Squidward shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.

185: Run over by a Zamboni

186: "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.

187: Crushed between plates in a fault line.

188: Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of a Squidward?

189: Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.

190: Replace the powder in his Pixie-Stix candy with cocaine.

191: Egyptian mummification ritual.

192: Visit to the taxidermist.

193: Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.

194: Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.

195: Give him a lead role in a snuff film.

196: Tar and feathered by crazed parents.

197: Bludgeoned to green paste.

198: Compressed to a singularity.

199: Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office:  (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label)

200: Squidward goes for a spin on a cyclotron:  Too bad about the sudden stop.

201: Heat pasteurization.

202: Squidward stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.

203: Put Squidward in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.

204: Put Squidward in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.

205: Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams).

206: Use Squidward as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

207: Fix his hemmorhoids with the electric hedge trimmer.

208: Feed him fish & chips (& vinegar - Acetic Acid) and top it with  lots of salt.
     (H2C3  H2O ) +NaCl -> Na2C3  H2O   + HCl

209: Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey.

210: Just wait:  Congress will probably cut his funding soon, anyway...

211: Send him to a cannibal infested island.

212: Make him stick his head in a paper shredder, or a garbage disposal, or a lawn mower...you get the Idea.

213: Use him as archery practice.

214: Use him as bayonet practice.

215: Tie him to the back of a semi: Drive over very hard surfaces.

216: Tell him that lying in the road is fun.

217: Send him so Spain for "The running of the bulls" (tie weights to his feet)

218: Throw him in a shark pit.

219: Throw him in a alligator pit.

220: Put him in a blender and sell him as grape flavoured children's cough syrup.
     (Of course that would be cruelty to Children:)

221: Make him listen to Preston Manning (leader of Reform party in Canada;
     he has a high pitched, squawking voice).

222:  Send him to Africa wearing KKK clothes.

223: Send him to Cuba with a shirt saying "Fidel sucks."

224: Give Squidward a gasoline shower and then make him smoke: (Burn baby burn).

225: Make him take a bath and drop a radio, hair dryer, microwave, and etc: in there with him.

226: Put him on a NYC subway without an weapon

227: Put him on a NYC bus without money(and watch what the drivers do to him)

228: Send him Door to Door in NYC Asking for contributions to keep SpongeBob SquarePants on TV.

229: Lock him and Baby Bop in a cave with The Power Rangers (They both suck so much
they should stay like that for ever until they are forced to eat each other)

230: Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into an iron maiden.

231: Nail him down to a sidewalk, then get a bicycle and ride
     back and forth over him until he dies, relishing the sounds of
     his bones crackling and breaking like newspapers, seeing this
     black shit ooze out of him; hearing his final agonized screech
     before you crush his head with a tire.

232: Shove his head in a floppy drive, then type "format a:".

233: Make him sit in the passenger seat of an experimental sports
     car, speed the car up to an incredible velocity, then shove his
     head out the window and watch it rip off and bounce along the pavemeny.

234: Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, putty up the
     bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats
     (preferable creatures like spiders and centipedes): When you are
     satisfied with the number of bugs putty up the top slats, sit
     back, and enjoy hearing his howls and shrieks of terror until you
     tire and shoot him through the locker door.

235: Send him to a Gay Pride parade wearing a shirt that reads "I hate faggots".

236: Make him bungee jump with a regular rope tied around his neck.

237: Place Squidward in a quarantine room and give him an injection
     of the latest Level 4 viruses, including Ebola.

238: Paint him white and handcuff him to a streetlight in a housing project full of gangbangers.

239: Tell Michael Jackson there is a little  boy inside the costume.

240: Perform dentistry on him with a Black & Decker electric
     drill, using a really big drill bit.

241: Force feed him Hudson river water.

242: Make him swallow broken light bulbs.

243: Force-administer him lots and lots of Barium enemas.

244: Shove a beer bottle up his ass and smash it with a hammer.

245: Burn him repeatedly with a cauterizing wand.

246: "Accidentally" leave the heart defibrillator turned on, with
the paddles superglued to his chest.

247: Smash in all his teeth with a crescent wrench, then perform
root canals and extractions of them all without using novacaine.

248: Three-week old urine specimens: Need we say more?

249: Souffle a'la Squidward:  Microwave or conventional oven.

250: Locked in with the sequestered O.J: Simpson jury members
for the entire duration of trial.

251: Let him fiddle around with a magnetron.

252: Toliet bowl cleaner and Comet forced down his throat.

253: An enema made with a whole box of automatic dishwasher detergent.

254: Dress him like a drag queen and drop off at a biker bar.

255: Knock over the row of Harleys at the same bar, blame it on him.

256: Squidward at the bottom of an elevator shaft: Load the elevator
     with grand pianos, bring to top floor, and cut the cable.

257: Inject with crank, speedballs, and opium; put PCP in his crack pipe.

258: Large double-headed dildo, filled with strong acid or alkali,
     inserted into Squidward's bunghole and left to disintegrate.

259: Strapped to medieval torture device, and worked on till mortality.

260: Send him to a fag bar with a repertoire of the cruelest gay jokes and AIDs jokes.

261: Send him to McHugh's Irish Pub with repertoire of heartless Irish jokes.

262: Jack In The Box cheezeburgers: Lots of them.

263: Squidward the Construction Worker...: oops!

264: Stab with used syringes from the AIDS testing laboratory.

265: Replacement quarterback for any NFL team.

266: Replacement goalie for any NHL team.

267: Squidward bumper guards on any seagoing garbage scow.

268: Replacement "Jason" on any "Friday the 13" movie.

269: Send him out trick or treating in the bad part of town.
     Don't give him a flashlight or reflective clothing.

270: The Squidward Christmas Tree holder: Be sure to use frayed cords
     for the tree lights, running the cord underneath him: Water well.

271: Test target for any railgun.

272: Make him smoke in a cigerette lighter factory.

273: Product tester for the Ex-Lax company: Do not provide toliet.

274: Tank full of electric eels.

275: Government LSD test subject: (Acid-O-Therapy)

276: Squidward: Warp core breach: End of story.

277: Seal Squidward in a Jefferies tube, release neurophosgene gas.

278: Transporter malfunction.

279: Lock Squidward in a cage with Asian bird-eating tarantulas: Lots of them.

280: Shove a paper bag down his throat.

281: Make him swallow defective condoms filled with heroin.

282: Put him in the pressurized chicken fryer ala KFC Extra Crispy.

283: Lock him in a commercial freezer with an ammonia leak inside.

284: Decompression chamber.

285: Job as a process server in Harlem or L.A.

286: Bicycle messenger in New York.

287: Lance open abdomen to expose viscera, leave near anthill.

288: Open heart surgery, "forget" about using anesthesia.

289: Chainsaw enema.

290: Shotgun enema.

291: Feed a liquid diet deficient in iron and fibre, and let him die of chronic diarrhea.

292: Insulin injections: Lots of them.

293: Test target for a 40 megawatt beam of positrons and antiprotons.

294: Replacement insulator for high tension transmission line.

295: The Squidward Ballast Resistor: (a little tight fitting in TV cabinet)

296: Insert broom handle up Squidward's bunghole, and use as a toliet plunger.

297: Wire him to hi-power FM transmitter and use as a dummy load.

298: While he's douching, rehook his enema hose to the vacuum cleaner.

299: Replace all his golf clubs wit lug wrenches and tire irons: Make him carry his own bag.

300: Force-fed all the urine samples from the drug testing lab.

301: Force-fed dozens of leaking flashlight batteries.

302: Strapped down under a 2500-watt mercury vapour lamp with a broken outer envelope
     for 16 hours: Then rub in moistened salt paste with coarse-grade sandpaper.
     (Hint: Mercury lamps emit LOTS of ultraviolet)

303: Band saw.

304: The Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker.

305: Saw off his sack (castration).

306: Put him in bed with Lorraina Bobbitt, Tanya Harding and Hillary Clinton:
     He will wake up the next morning with two broken legs, missing his tallywhacker,
     and without health insurance.

307: Abdominal peritonitis.

308: Feed it lots of calcium and baking soda: (alkalosis and kidney stones)

309: Dropped in a launching tube with the 4th of July fireworks.
     Light the fireworks tubes with his birthday candles.

310: Used as a urinator at a multiple-keg beer bash.

311: Anthrax and rodent-vector hemmorhagic fever injections.

312: Thrown in the moshpit at the next Metallica concert.

313: Put on a pair of black gloves and O.J: his butt.

314: Test out the new Dino-Slicer from Ronko.

315: Cover with honey and show him how Mr: Krabs broke your Uncle Milton Ant Farm.

316: Put him in a blender, heat to warm....Sponge-De Jour.

317: Two words "Spongy Patties."

318: Put Squidward in an espresso maker, Cafe SpongeTastic.

319: Shove live rats up his ass and let them eat their way out.

320: Hook up a vacuum cleaner to his colostomy bag, set it for Edge-Kleener.

321: Crazy glue his bunghole closed, and force feed him five bottles of Fleet
     Phospho-soda saline laxative.

322: Sharpen up the old wood ax and give him a "Split Personality."

323: Shove a cordless telephone up his ass and call his number until he
     answers it:  Call collect.

324: Laser eye surgery, using Star Wars technology.

325: Make him count the transistors in a Pentium chip: Punish severely
     every time he loses count, so he has to start over.

326: Boeing aircraft crash test dummy.

327: Make him do surgery on his own bunghole: Hand him plenty of dull
     knives and scissors to do the job with: Dip scissors in an unflushed
     toliet or uranator, rotting kitchen garbage, or other bacteria-laden places.

328: The Squidward Aquarium Ornament:  After a few days, buy some nice pirhanas
     for the fishtank, turn off the light, and dump them in.

329: Have him drive a UPS truck through the Chicago picket lines.

330: The Squidward Lightning Rod.

331: Flatten with a steam roller, and cut out urinator screens from the
     flattened carcass.

332: Strap into a wheelchair: Unscrew the brake handles, and roll off the
     top of a San Francisco or Seattle hilltop:  In either case, he should
     hit water at the bottom.

333: The Squidward Toliet Seat Cover.

334: Strap into a wheelchair, and roll toward the front of a large jet
     aircraft: Callously allow him to be sucked into the engine intake.

335: Force him to write "Squidward Death Lists" for all eternity.

336: Cram him into a toliet tank and drop off a tall cliff or building.

337: Force him to hand-spin the "disk" inside a hard disk drive:  Punish
     each time a disk error occurs:  If too many errors occur, cut off
     his hands and spank him with them.

338: Substitute Squidward for Principal McVickar in a Beavis & Butthead show.
     Repeat process until Squidward runs out of clean pants and pills.
     Then let Daria and Buzzcut beat the bejeesus out of him.

339: Soak him thoroughly and deposit him in Antarctica.

340: Deposit Squidward in Disneyland on Gay Day, and let all the fags hug him
     until he dies:  Then put the corpse in Goofy's dog dish.

341: Break his arms and legs and leave him at a Benny Hinn revival.

342: Have him star in an Energizer commercial substituting for the Bunny,
     and have the guy lie about which battery really lasts longer.

343: Replace the couch on Beavis and Butthead in the "Die Fly Die" episode.
     Replace it with Squidward.

344: Vaya con Cornholio.

345: Make him eat chicken in Hong Kong.

346: Pop fluorescent light bulbs over his head until he chokes on all that
     white powder and dies: (Wear a respirator when you do this)

347: Throw Squidward into an electrical vault: Water well.

348: The Squidward Candleholder:  Let the candles burn all the way down.

349: Put him halfway in an open elevator: Have someone up on the roof to
     cut the cable before he gets all the way inside.

350: Feed him Ex-Lax brownies, then sew his lips to his asshole.

351: Ben-Gay his genitalia: Tell him it's to stop "morning wood".

352: Shove a lamp up his bunghole, then turn it on and walk away.
     Be sure to use a 100W or larger light bulb.

353: Strap his head to the largest loudspeaker at an Anthrax concert.

354: Put him in a black Mercedes and send into a tunnel with photographers
     on motorcycles taking his picture.

355: Replace the wrecking ball at a demolition with Squidward: Wreck a building
     or two with this contraption.

356: Dry-clean Squidward: Immediately toss him into a gas fired clothes dryer,
     start it, and glue the timer knob to the machine: Run like hell!

357: A .357 in the wrong hands works wonders:  Jamming a lighted propane
     or acetylene torch down his throat also works quite effectively.

358: Lock him in a suitcase and leave at the Denver airport:  I don't think
     they've fixed their suitcase-eating baggage carousel yet.

359: The Squidward Diaper Pale:  Give it to those people who had septuplets.

360: Have him field all of the hate calls to Nickelodeon for ever putting SpongeBob
     SquarePants (with the asinine Squidward in it!) on the air to begin with.

361: Insert seal bombs, cherry bombs, Roman candles and bottle rockets into
     all of Squidward's bodily orfices and skin folds:  Connect fuses together
     and put them in an electrically-fired squib:  Wire the squib to the
     fire alarm, and then go burn some toast.

362: Insert some Whistling Petes into Squidward's bunghole: Light the fuses.

363: Clean up spilled gasoline with paper towels, then throw them in the
     toliet:  Force him to smoke while taking a dump:  Be sure he throws
     the match (or the siggeret stub) in the toliet afterwards.

364: Jam full bottles of champagne down his throat:  Set him on a really
     shaky or strongly vibrating amusement ride for awhile, then hit him
     in the stomach with a tire iron.

365: Wind fifty strings of Christmas lights around him, then take him
     outside, set in shallow water, plug the lights in, then kick him over.

366: Cut off Squidward's ding-dong and shove it up his bunghole. Do *not* bandage
     up the stub of his tallywhacker: Force-feed warfarin teepz if necessary.


This should provide you with one (1) cruel method to dispatch that hideous
green satan lover for EACH and EVERY DAY of the coming year, including leap year.