For the teenage dirtbag lurking inside us all.

UGLY, UGLY GIANT BAGS OF MOSTLY WATER*...
FLUSH THE 'TOLIET BOLE' AND PICK A LINK

• The Shit List (Also known as, "The Poopie List" -- a list of shits that was posted to dial-up BBSs in the 1980s and 1990s)
  TV-PG13 (The "S" word is used very frequently)
  Last update: 09-10-14
  
  
  
• Bad BBS Usernames (A list of BBS usernames that are particularly bad)
  TV-PG13 (Some BBS usernames have toliet words in them)
  Last update: 11-21-12
  
  
  
• 366 Ways To Kill Hudson Horstachio (from Viva Piņata)
  TV-14 (Fantasy violence against a paper horse, slightly strong language)
  Last update: 03-23-12
  
  
• 366 Ways To Kill Squidward Tentacles (from SpongeBob SquarePants)
  TV-14 (Fantasy violence against a phoney-bologna sea critter, slightly strong language)
  Last update: 03-23-12
  
  
• A memorial to my dad Norm Johnson (1 page)
  TV-Y7
  Last update: 07-06-11
  
  
• The Poorly-Drawn Toliets Page (User-submitted pictures of poorly-drawn floortoliets and walltoliets) (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 02-11-11
  
  
  
• The Juneau Receiving Home (Just some memories of having lived in this facility) (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 01-15-11
  
  
  
• Looking for ***FOUND*** John Robbins (Self-explanatory - I'm looking for this man) (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 12-17-10
  
  
  
• °A memorial to my best friend Paul Casey (3 pages)
  TV-Y7
  Last update: 03-30-10 (Wrote two more memorial computer demo programs; added three BBS advertisement/demo programs I wrote for him in the mid-1990s)
  
  
• A memorial to one of my best friends Primo (1 page)
  TV-PG (Very minor toliet tongue in one paragraph)
  Last update: 03-29-10 (Wrote a memorial computer demo program)
  
  
• °The LED (and Laser) Museum (Testing of various light emitting diodes & flashlights. Includes photographic test patterns, ProMetric analyses, spectrographic analyses, and ratings.) (2,065 pages)
  TV-Y7
  Updated almost daily
  
  
  
• °Insulators: The Hidden Obsession (Yes, I collect those things too. Lots of info, fotos, & links.) (23 pages)
  TV-Y7
  Last update: 07-27-06
  
  
• Hell on Wheels (Adding lights to an electric wheelchair) (4 pages)
  TV-G
  Last update: 01-04-12 (Moved the website to another new server)
  
  
  
• °Dream Diary (If I remember the dream, so do you.) (67 pages)
  TV-PG (Dialogue)
  Last update: 04-08-14
  
  
  
• One Citizen's UFO Sightings (1 page)
  TV-PG (Dialogue)
  Last update: 02-08-10
  
  
  
• °Five Furry Fuzzbombs (Lots of information about pet rats. Includes my own pets.) (16 pages)
  TV-Y7
  Last update: 02-18-11 (Moved the website to another new server)
  
  
  
• The Amazing Plastic Toliet Cam (1 page)
  TV-G
  Last update: 02-28-05
  (Archival only; not an active webcam!)
  
  
  
• Toliet!!! TOLIET!!! (1 page)
  TV-G
  Last update: 02-20-06
  (Silly and wasteful page with a photograph of a shitbowl on it.)
  
  
  
  
  
  We have praying mantids (or "mantises") in Sacramento CA., I found
  this one on the morning of 09-08-06 clinging to the basket of my scooter.
  
  
• The "Siggeret" Diary (A way to keep track of tobacco use - twelve diaries available) (15 pages)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 12-21-14
  
  
  
• The Food Diary (A way to keep track of food use) (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 12-21-14
  
  
  
• The "Koffy" Diary I (A way to keep track of coffee use) (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 06-19-10
  
  
  
• The "Koffy" Diary II (A way to keep track of coffee use) (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 06-29-10
  
  
  
• Safeco Field: A Photo Tour (A photo tour of Seattle's Safeco Field (where the Mariners play)) (43 pages)
  TV-G
  Last update: 02-18-11 (Moved the website to another new server)
  
  
  
• Pictures of a "Fagget" (Photographs of a male homo & his "fag flag") (1 page)
  TV-Y
  Last update: 10-13-06
  
  
  
• The Life & Times of a Commodore 64 Computer (Screen dumps and downloads of some C=64 demos I wrote in the early-1990s) (1 page)
  TV-PG (One of the demo titles is a toliet word)
  Last update: 03-11-10 (added a second video)
  
  
  
• Fictional Band Names (A list of at least 5,515 phoney band names) (1 page)
  TV-PG13 (Some band names have toliet words in them)
  Last update: 08-04-09
  
  
  
• Changed Lyrics for Two TV Theme Songs (Self-explanatory - altered lyrics for two TV program theme songs) (1 page)
  TV-14 (Some fairly extensive toliet language is present)
  Last update: 02-20-10
  
  
  
• Made-Up Words (Self-explanatory - phoney, made-up words) (1 page)
  TV-G
  Last update: 07-29-09
  
  
  
• Lyrics to Songs I Frequently Listen To (Self-explanatory - lyrics to songs that are high on my listening list) (2 pages)
  TV-PG (some lyrics have toliet words in them)
  Last update: 09-07-09
  
  
  
• 366 Ways To Kill Barney the Purple Toliet Dinosaur (1 page)
  TV-14 (Fantasy violence, slightly strong language)
  Last update: 07-17-04
  
  
  
• 7 Uses for a Dead Barney the Purple Toliet Dinosaur (1 page)
  TV-14 (Fantasy violence, slightly strong language)
  Last update: 11-18-06
  
  
  
• 82 Ways to Break Light Bulbs (Self-explanatory, don't you think?) (1 page)
  TV-PG (Dialogue)
  Last update: 01-10-11
  
  
  
• The Infomercial Toliet (Funny "reviews" of late-night TV infomercials.) (7 pages)
  TV-14 (Moderate Language, Fantasy Violence, Bunghole-Emptying Laughter)
  Last update: 02-13-10 (Moved the website to a new server)
  
  
  
• When Good Toliets...Go BAD!!! (When toliets and their owners don't get along)
  TV-PG (Slightly Strong Language, Fantasy Violence Against Toliets)
  Last update: 02-13-10 (Moved the website to a new server)
  
  
  The Original Jammin' Johns (Toilets dancing to the song "Funkytown")
  TV-G Last update: 01-17-11 (Republished it)
  
  
  
• When TV Commercials ATTACK! (About the asininity of regular TV commercials) (1 page)
  TV-MA (Extremely Strong Language)
  Last update: 02-13-10 (Moved the website to a new server)
  
  
  
• The Deliberate Destruction of a Toy R2-D2 Robot (1 page)
  TV-14 (Fantasy violence, slightly strong language)
  Last update: 03-06-10 (Added two more "music videos")
  
  
  
• Children's Book Titles that should Never Be (1 page)
  TV-PG (Very slightly strong language)
  Last update: 04-20-10
  
  
  
• Cumpenys Hoo Kant Spel (1 page)
  TV-G
  Last update: 05-17-10
  
  
  
• I, Faggot: The Page Only 10% Of You Should Have Clicked On (1 page)
  TV-PG (Dialogue)
  Last update: 06-29-10
  
  
  
• The Ultimate Anti-Hero (9 pages) (Battles staged between TV commercial characters)
  TV-MA (Fantasy violence, considerable toliet tongue)
  Last update: 09-14-13 (added a battle between that goddamn queer Hamburger Helper Hand and that asinine Quaker Oats prick)
  
  
  
• Hate That Bee! (1 page) (Commercial mascots we all hate and would like to see destroyed)
  TV-PG (Fantasy violence; some toliet language)
  Last update: 01-23-11
  
  
  
• Home is Where the Bulb Is (4 pages) (A look in & outside my former home in Seattle)
  TV-G
  Last update: 01-23-11
  
  
  
• What the #@&%$ was That? (1 page) (What the 2001 Nisqually earthquake did to my home)
  TV-PG (Very slight toliet tongue)
  Last update: 01-23-11
  
  
  BACHELOR'S CLEANING TIPS:
  
  
  
• °How to F**king Vacuum (How to vaccuummnne and disembowelling the vacume cleaner when it pisses you off) (7 pages)
  TV-MA (Extremely Strong Language)
  Last update: 02-13-10 (Moved the website to a new server)
  
  
  
• How to Clean a F**king Toliet (How to clean a f**king shitbowl) (2 pages)
  TV-MA (Very strong language)
  Last update: 06-27-06
  
  
  
• Pictures of Broken Things (self-explanatory) (1 page)
  TV-PG (Fantasy violence)
  Last update: 01-16-11
  
  
  
• °Ordering a Bagless Stick Shark Vacuum from Television (Beating the hell out of a vacuum cleaner) (4 pages)
  TV-G (Fantasy Violence Against a Vaccume Cleaner)
  Last update: 02-13-10 (Moved the website to a new server)
  
  
  

  ---

  
  I'm looking for a copy of this Commodore 64 disk, or programs off it. These are demos I wrote in 1992 and 1993.
  Here is a shot of the disk directory, with the exact filenames shown:
  
  
  
  The original became lost in late-September 1996, but I know that copies of it are floating around out there somewhere. If you have this diskette or programs from this diskette, please email me at ledmuseum@gmail.com.
  
  LOAD "TRANSITION",8
  
  SEARCHING FOR TRANSITION
  LOADING
  READY.
  
  

  ---

  
  ''It's Me Again'' Cracktro (single-page demo program) for Windows XP
  ''It's Me Again'' Cracktro (single-page demo program) for Windows 98
  
  
  Screen dump of the above "cracktro".
  

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  NOTE: All of these pages & websites are of my own creation, not simply links to others'.
  

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  This page serves only as a gateway to my other pages. Nothing more.
  Since February 19, 1999; People have encountered this gateway.
  (Oh oh, looks like my counter reset after around 17,000). :(
  So add 17,000 to the above number to get a more accurate count.
  
  
  
  The Toylet Bowl BBS - 07-21-89 to 07-21-99.
  
  

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  Do you like light bulbs? Are you excited about light bulbs? Do they TURN YOU ON?
  Then this site is for you: Don Klipstein's Web Site. Has everything you ever wanted to know about light bulbs, LEDs, strobe lights, discharge & fluorescent lamps, neon lamps, and more!
  
  

  ---

  
  Please e-mail me with questions or comments.
  
  So why the name of "toyletbowlbbs" you ask? It's because for ten full years I ran a dial-up computer bulletin board called "The Toylet Bowl BBS" (yes, I was the sysop) and it was still in operation at the time I opened my internet account. After the BBS shut down in late July 1999, I had become too far entrenched in the web, with links to literally hundreds of sites and guestbooks and all that, to change it without causing all kinds of problems later.
  Although my e-mail has since been changed, mail sent to "toyletbowlbbs@worldnet.att.net" can still be received but it is checked only infrequently.
  
  FYI the handles I used on this and other BBSs were "Telephony" (pronounced "tell uh FONE' ey") and "Urine Potato".
  
  When I started my BBS on 07-21-89, it was called "Phone Sys: The Douched Moose".
  This was changed to "The Pink Triangle", and finally for the last seven or eight years, "The Toliet Bowl".
  
  

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  I am a Thrust-ship. I am small and tricky - where you think I am, I probably am not. I can work very fast, but I tend to go about things in a round about way, which often leaves me effectively standing still. I hate rocks. Bloody rocks. What Video Game Character Are You?

  
  
  Please visit Disturbing Search Requests to read some really disturbing search requests from people's website logs -- or add your own if you have a website and find something "distubing" in your web (referrer) logs!
  
  

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  On arcade video games from the early 1980s, I have several record scores:
  Looping (Venture Line) 2,458,770 (to the best of my knowledge, this record still stands to this day)
  Star Trek (Sega) 31,054,500
  Krull (Gottlieb) 1,053,000
  
  Written into the scroll text of several demos I made for the Commodore 64 in the early-1990s:
  ...It's late and somebody busted the coffeepot...
  
  On the BBS door game "BarneySplat", Barney says the phrase "I am a saussage, I am a saussage, I am a saussage" when you do something to him.
  Yes, the word "sausage" is misspelled in the game.
  
  I really need to go to Money Tree and get me an "Itty Bitty Bob". :-)
  
  
  O look!!! I went to Money Tree and got me an "Itty Bitty Bob"!!!
  
  When you hear someone say they "douched out on the ice", that probably means they slipped and fell on a patch of ice, rather than smoking or shooting something up.
  
  Seen on a bumper sticker: "Love means never having to say you're a douchebag".
  
  Seen on a bumper sticker: "Instant Asshole. Just Add Alcohol".
  
  Seen on a bumper sticker: "How's My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
  
  If you hear "Westwood perspiration" on Raven's "Restless Child" (from the Stay Hard album), you're just hearing things. No, really, you are!!!
  It's supposed to be "wet with perspiration", not "Westwood perspiration". I don't care if it's from Westwood or Juneau, I don't want any of that shit on me! :-/
  
  Everybody's heard the phrase "If you sprinkle while you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat".
  But I betchya haven't heard "If you miss while you piss, please be cool and wipe the stool".
  
  Seen written on a toliet stall wall:
  People who write on bathroom walls
  Roll their shit into little balls.
  Those who read their words of wit
  Eat the little balls of shit
  
  UK words/phrases and their equivalent US words/phrases:
  Dustbin = Garbage can
  Wheelie bin = Wheeled garbage can
  Bin liners = Plastic garbage bags (garbage can liners)
  Dustbin man = Garbage man
  Dust lorry = Garbage truck
  
  Heard on a cassette (probably Cheech & Chong) in the late-1970s or early-1980s:
  "Hey there swingin' batchelors, Tired of the steady drip...drip...drip
  Of Gonnerea?
  Then Peter Rooter's for you.
  {sung to what I believe is the Roto Rooter jingle from this time period}
  Peter Rooter
  That's the name
  You just flush your troubles
  Down the Drain.
  Rotten Peter,
  Rotten Peter,
  Rotten Peter."
  
  Words that sound dirty but really aren't:
  Titmouse: A type of bird.
  Asinine: Foolish or meaningless.
  Mukluk: A type of boot that Eskimos use.
  Cock: A male chicken; a rooster.
  Titicaca: A lake in I believe Peru
  Mastication: The act of chewing something.
  Ballcock: The float assembly in the toliet tank.
  
  Favourite line from a TV show: From King of the Hill, the episode "Meet the Propaniacs"
  {Hank Hill to Charlie Fortner}: "The baby asked you for a diaper, mr. pee-pee poo-poo pants!"
  Next favourite line; same program, from the episode "Hank's Unmentionable Problem"
  {Hank Hill to Peggy Hill}: "Not these things Peggy. Not toliet things."
  Next favourite line; same program, from the episode "He Said She Said" (or some such horse puckey)
  {Hank Hill to his drinking buddies}: "Well I guess that's a night. Back to the potty factory tomorrow."
  Next favourite line: From the TV program "Friends"
  {Chandler}: Because sometimes Phoebe when you sleep with someone, you have to kill a fish.
  Next favourite line: From the TV game show "The Price is Right"
  {Bob Barker}: "This is Bob Barker reminding you, help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered. Goodbye everybody!"
  Next favourite line: From the TV show "Weakest Link"
  {Anne Robinson}" "Who is one egg roll short of a poo poo platter?"
  Next favourite line: From the TV show "Weakest Link"
  {George Gray}: "Who's got turtles and snails watching them going 'CUMMON, HURRY UP!!!'"
  Next favourite line: {same program}
  {George Gray}: "Who appears to be hooked on something other than phonics?"
  
  Favourite word: GOOPENTHAL
  Hank Hill on the TV program "King of the Hill" uses this word to describe any psychotropic medication like desipramine or tofranil.
  
  If you hear the term "The Shampoo Killer", it was John Grass that did that (uranated in the bottles of shampoo at the Juneau Receiving Home) in the early-1980s, not me. :-/
  
  In Juneau Alaska in the early-1980s, city buses were often called "The Fry Brain Train" and "The Muck Truck".
  
  Seen on an electric hand dryer in Juneau Alaska in the early-1980s, was this:
  (Before - what it was intended to read)
  "PUSH BUTTON. RUB HANDS UNDER WARM AIR."
  (After - after some dillhole scratched off some of the letters with a knife)
  "PUS  BUTT  . RUB HAND  UNDER  ARM    ."
  
  After a bus went right on by the stop without picking me and one other passenger up, I shouted out "BUNGHOLE!!!" as the bus drove off.
  That driver was a true seminefrious tubloidial bungsnoidial buttsnoid!!!
  
  John Robbins and myself were known for "breaking light bulbs while they're burning in the receptacles" back in the early-1980s. Is it any wonder now that I like LEDs more than incandescents? :-p
  
  Walter Krauss, a counselor at the Juneau Receiving Home at this time, frequently asked John Robbins and myself "What happened to the light bulbs?". You can just guess what happened to the light bulbs.
  
  John Robbins also made a slight change to the lyrics of the Cars song "Dangerous Type".
  Before: "She's a lot like you, the dangerous type"
  After: "She's a lot like you, the dangerous typewriter"
  
  Back in Juneau AK. in the mid- and late-1980s we used to have drinking parties just behind and just to the east of the Super Bear supermarket, and two common phrases heard there were "Drink it Tlingit" (pronounced "clinket") and "Down the chute Aleut".
  
  When Rika's digimon Renamon matrix-digivolved into Taomon, I thought Renamon matrix-digivolved into "Towelmon" or "Dowmon". :-O
  
  My 6th grade teacher Mr. Kauffman said his son pronounces the word "urinate" as "urnate" because he can't say the "yer" sound.
  
  Seen in the scroll text of a Commode 64 demo by Abyss in 1988:
  "A ? TO EVERYONE: ONLY A FAGGOT WOULD REPLACE THE "S" WITH THE "Z" .. EX. WARES AND WAREZ. LAMERS AND LAMERZ. WHAT IS YOUR GUY'S GAY INCEST WITH THE "Z" KEY?
  I guezz I am a faggot then; give me thoze warez you lamerz!!!
  
  There's a recalled Teletubby plush. The potty-mouthed Teletubby named Po--the red, youngest Teletubby--says words that sound like
  "Faggot, faggot! Faggot, faggot! Faggot, faggot! Bite my butt!"
  when his tummy is pressed. Yes, I used to have this Teletubby, and yes, it really did sound like he's got toliet tongue.
  
  Seen in Mad Magazine in the early-1980s:
  
  "We'll take out stains like blood and urine,
  We'll even clean the shroud of Turin"
  
  This was accompanied by a picture of somebody with one of those pointed hats like the Pope might use; the hat was flying off his head.
  
  They have the Teenage Turtle Mutant Ninjas on Fox every weekend, but no more Digimon. :-(
  And they had that "Monsterture" at the Tacoma Dome, which had a Teenage Turtle Mutant Ninjas truck in it, but no Digimon truck, so I guess that's why I didn't go. :-/
  
  On the television program Real TV, they have a female announcer named Arsie Lavargis or Arsibie Lavargis. I've tried looking for this name on the internet, but have had no success. Must be spelling it wrong or something. :-/
  
  Seen on a Commodore 64 running a little program to set the time: "Is this the correct sysop?"
  The word "sysop" is short for "system operator", a person who runs a BBS (bulletin board system).
  
  When I was a small child, I would say "paper toliets" and "Santa Flush", instead of "toliet paper" and "Sani-Flush".
  
  Best instrumental song? Raven, "Bottom Line", from their "Stay Hard" album. My opinion only; your results may vary.
  Next best instrumental? Metallica, "Orion", from their "Master of Puppets" album. My opinion only; your results may vary.
  Next best instrumental? Metallica, "(Anesthesia) - Pulling Teeth" ("bass solo, take one"), from their "Kill 'Em All" album. My opinion only; your results may vary.
  Next best instrumental? Metallica, "Call of the Ktulu", from their "Ride The Lightning" album. My opinion only; your results may vary.
  Boy, there sure are a lot of Metallica instrumentals here, aren't there?
  
  And yes, I know what an Iorio Accorgan is. My dad has a couple of them, and even plays them.
  
  If you hear somebody say that they "douched out on the ice", chances are that they actually slipped and fell on a patch of ice -- it has nothing whatsoever to getting a bad reaction from a street drug of any type.
  
  The game Pogo Joe for the Commode 64 had the following levels in it:
  Simple, Like Mike, Home in Durham, Troutman's Special Recipe, Ode to Zippy, Enzyme Stew, Mutant Street, Next Stop, Rollerama!, Butterflies Are Brie, Free Association, Heart Like A Head, Terror Lunch, Tennis, Antibody?, Pee Wee's Funhouse, Drums Over Malta, Dunkin Doughboys, Lopsided, Cheese Food, Not Craw, Craw!, Grits Are Weird, Jump Clown Jump, Grug's New Band, "X" Marks Your Nose, Ship Of Shrimp, Figurines, Dial 'P' For Pogo, Lumpy Gravy, Here's Another Clue For You All, Mike's Dysfunction, All Right Mighty Fine, Scary, The Wike and Waku Show, Denman... Pam's Curse, Is There A PhD In The House?, Wimpy Was Here, Fish Head, Another Fine Mess, Holosystolic Mumble, Requiem For A Hosehead, Video Buddies, Porphyrin Pete, Silly Old Willy, Lobster Tales, Let's Be Careful Out There!, Smoke Gets In Your Ears, Senor Tea, Hearty Har Har, Hello...I'm Frank Necrosis, A R R G H !, IF U CN RD THS, U R WRD!, Regards From Wamblyville, Pogo Josephine, My Pal Criggles, Nolo Contendre, If I Only Had A Brain, A I E E E !, A Cute Borborygmus, Beetlebrain, Shortness Of Pants, Behind Clothes Drawers, Crumb Takes A Holiday, URRP!...Excuse Me???, Anata Wa Sashimi Desu, Antibody Tighter, The Pits, and Mrs. Cumibe's Salad Dressing
  
  TDM stands for The Douched Moose, and TDC stands for The Douche Crew. Both were Commodore 64 demo groups I ran from around 1988 to 1994 or thereabouts. So if you come across a C=64 diskette with programs like 1.PUSSWHIP'D/TDM, 2.PUSSWHIP'D/TDM, 3.PUSSWHIP'D/TDM, WAVERLOGO/TDM, COM BOY/TDM, URINALWRITER/TDM, HMBC/TDM, TRANSITIONS/TDM, THUNDERFLUSH/TDM, 01.MAGFACTOR/TDM, 02.MAGFACTOR/TDM, 03.MAGFACTOR/TDM, BORN AGAIN/TDC, WARP DAMAGE/TDM, or AIDS DEMO/TDC on it, those were programs I wrote.
  I wrote an intro for BDS (Brain Damage Studios) in 1992, and that was my only collaberation with another cracker/demo group.
  
  My demo "Transitions" had a 96-line $D016 wave, Mag Factor 3 had $D021 rasterbars at both normal and three times magnification, and the three demos Warp Damage, Born Again, and AIDS Demo used FLI (Flexible Line Interpretation) graphics; taking the graphics chip in the Commodore 64 beyond its design limitations.
  
  I'm glad I don't live at Highton View Terrace. Otherwise I might have to put up with Myotismon, and he's no good at all. :-P
  
  If you hear a guy on a cassette yelling "Wrong again honey, wrong again honey!!! Why the fuck don't you stop saying wrong again honey, and throw this fucking stuff in the toliet?!? Now get out there, and get me some fucking orange juice!!!", it was probably an audio sketch from National Lampoon.
  I believe it was from the 1977 tape "That's Not Funny, That's Sick".
  
  I drew something in the 7th or 8th grade called the "TVA Light Bulb Destructor", in which a hydraulic piston affair slowly came down on light bulbs while they were burning base-down in receptacles at the bottom of the device.
  
  Fox has a show on called "True Calling", starring some woman named Eliza Douchekoo. Some cunt that can go back in time to save various douchebags and cocksuckers.
  
  Heard on a pager-sized voice synthesizer in the early-1990s: "You're an asshole" "Fucking jerk" "Piss me off" "Fuck you"
  On a pager-sized device called "The Final Word", I heard the following: "You're an asshole" "Fucking jerk" "Eat shit" "Fuck you"
  
  My first "experience" was with either with the purser on the Sun Princess cruise ship in Juneau AK. in the early-1980s; Jose (pronounced "hoze'AY"), or with two people named Julio and Jesus (pronounced "HOO'lee'oh" and "huh'SOOS", also in Juneau during the same time frame.
  Jose said (in a broken english) "I vant to ddink your spumm" ("I want to drink your sperm").
  
  When I lived at my old place, I often had the Maury show on TV. But the "maternity test results" and "polygrip test results" programs they frequently show are kinda boring, so I often played music while the TV volume was turned way down.
  
  Seen on a shirt: "That's Mr. Faggot to you, and don't you forget that!!!"
  
  Seen written in a toliet stall in the Juneau Alaska federal building in the mid-1970s:
  
  DRINK
  PISS
  &
  SPERM
  @
  THE
  CUM
  BAR
  
  This is exactly how it was written. :-/
  
  The 2006 Gay Pride Parade (known by some as "The Fag March") in Sacramento CA. USA was today, 06-10-06. In Seattle WA. USA where I used to live, it is on the last Sunday in June every year.
  
  The Ionic Breeze air cleaner makes your house smell like cat pee even if you do not have a cat.
  
  Seen on an LED reader board:
  KICK A PORCELAIN WALL URINATOR OFF THE WALL!!!
  Seen on another LED reader board:
  KICK A URINATOR *AND* A TOLIET BOWL OFF THE WALL!!
  It then changed slightly, to read:
  KICK A URENAL *AND* A TOLIET BOWL OFF THE WALL!!
  It then changed again, to read:
  KICK A URANATOR *AND* A SHITBOLE OFF THE WALL!!
  It then changed yet again, to read:
  KICK A URENATOR *AND* A TOLIET BOAL OFF THE WALL!!
  I think someone's just fucking with our heads here. :-/
  Seen on the same readerboard a few days later:
  KICK A URANATOR *AND* A TIOLIET BOLE OFF THE WALL!
  It changed yet AGAIN to read:
  KICK A URANATOR *AND* A TOYLET BOLE OFF THE WALL!!
  And it changed yet AGAIN to read:
  KICK A TOLIET BOAL *AND* A URENATOR OFF THE WALL!!
  And it changed yet AGAIN to read:
  JUNE 27 IS FAGGET MARCH DAY...BREAK A WALL URENATOR!!!
  And it changed yet AGAIN to read:
  KICK A TOYLET BOLE OFF THE WALL...BREAK A WALL URANATOR!!!
  And it changed YET AGAIN to read:
  KICK A URENATER OFF THE WALL...BREAK A TOYLET BOLE!!!
  And it changed YET AGAIN to read:
  KICK A WALL MOUNTED PORCELAIN URENATOR OFF THE WALL!
  And it changed YET AGAIN to read:
  KIK UH WAL MOWNTID PORSALEN URANATER OPH THUH WAULL!!!
  And it changed YET AGAIN to read:
  KIK UH PORSALEN TOLIET BOLE OPH THUH WAULL!!!!!!!!!!!!
  And it changed YET AGAIN to read:
  KIK UH PORSELEN TOILIET BOL OPH THUH WAL!!!
  
  
  
  Here in Sacramento CA. USA, I saw another scrolling LED message board with the following on it:
  KIK UH PHUCKING PORSELEN TOLIET BOLE OPH THUH WAL!!!
  Note how ***EVERY SINGLE WORD*** is misspelled.
  
  
  Band names I sent to Fictional Band Names:
  
  Faggot Moose, Mirror,,rorriM, Stormtrooper Cum Laude, Invasion of the Body Crabs, Mouldy Teeth, Piss Bottle Bomber, Vacuum Bag Infection, Vomitorium, The Band-AIDS, Napalm Christmas Tree, Sweaty Showerhead, Phist Phuck Phun, Sunny Botulism, Syringe Licker, Toliet Tank Defecator, Hooked on Cryonics, Foooo-Luuuush!, The Rat's Asses, PHUQU2, Piano Turd Burglars, Piss Christ, Sewer Pickle, Wet Dog Smell, Assimilated Nanites, Blaze of Gory, Kervorkian's Satanic Death Robots, Cock-a-doodle DOO DOO, Phat Urinator, Ronco Rotisserie Victims, Seat Up Or Down?, The Amazing Plastic Toliet Band, Accordion Destructors, Slashing Bus Seats, Rage Against The Answering Machine, Polly's Got Anthrax, Sanitized For Your Protection, Toxic Wheelchair, Elvis' Favourite Enema, Thorny Jesus Houseplant, Nicofool, Talking Bomb, Scrotum Driver, Rusty Walker, Sunflower Sperm, 3D Toliet Tank, Massengator, Broomstick Douchewads, Porta-Potty, Phoot Phetish, Flushlight, Twilight Nerds, Stomp Your Hands and CLap Your Feet, Moonshine Dildo, Shitbowl, Spazbag, Magical Poo Shower, Radiance of the Commode, Spermbag Roundpants, Dark Bulbs, Ding Dong, The Toliet's Dead, Faggot Sweat, Overkilljoy, Gamma Puking Force, Mouldy Phishes, Fear The Toliet, The Dirty Diaper Stompers, Ratgut, Sodium Sniffer, Guitar Mutilator, Healthy Hosebags, Fabulous Fartbags, Toliet! TOLIET!!!, Huffing Liquid Neon, Vacuum Bag Urinator, Bong Warriors, Mouse Poop Gun, Black Hole In One or Two, 3-In-1 Bullshit Detector, Musical Rat Fur, Counterfucker, Massenguillotine, Urinal Straw, Depending On Depends, Walk Of Shame, Shit In The Shower and Stomp It Down The Drain, Dog Water, Iced Doormat, The Bagless Condoms, Vacuum Fat, Hate Mail Enema, Flushing After Midnight, Stepping On Insulators, Dead Pepsi Wench, The Sink Is Your Toliet, The Mighty Pisstones, Saliva Spool, Nieu Dunce, Bust A Cap In Your Nightlight, Poontang Heroes. Brooz Crooz, The Decaffinated Stoplights, Gangsta Masta Batas, Cumseat Ejectors, Testicular Atrophy, The Lost Souls of NASCAR, Chainsaw Enema, Sunflower Feces Urine Potato, Electric Harley House of Hate, The Busted Urinators, Toliets Kicked Off the Wall, Sunflower Urine, Bathtub Vitamin, Brocolli Aspirin, Green Jello Bites, Testes Smashed with a Ball Peen Hammer, He's Got...Pooooo-Pooooo, The Bear Went Over the Mountain, Mountain Doo-Doo, Stomp 2,458,770, Tripping on Extacy, The Pee Bottle Bombers, RepHresh This!, The Busted Light Bulbs, Tampons + 18-Wheelers, I've Got Poo-Poo On My Shoe, Hairdryers In Toliets, That's My Rat, Give Me Back Its Ass!, Shotgun Enema, Underarm Micturition, Taillight Pacifists, Hoof & Mouth Kitty Litter, Pussywhipped Aspirin, The Unflushed Urinators, Tampax in Tampa, The USB Urinal Mints, The Vacuum Pricks, Sleeping in Cat Urine, Packaged Rebellion, Sunflower Feces, Urine Potato, Electric Harley House of Hate, The Busted Urinators, Toliets Kicked Off the Wall, Sunflower Urine, Bathtub Vitamin, Brocolli Aspirin, Green Jello Bites, Testes Smashed with a Ball Peen Hammer, He's Got...Pooooo-Pooooo, The Bear Went Over the Mountain, Mountain Doo-Doo, Stomp 2,458,770, Tripping on Extacy, The Pee Bottle Bombers, RepHresh This!, The Busted Light Bulbs, Tampons + 18-Wheelers, I've Got Poo-Poo On My Shoe, Hairdryers In Toliets, That's My Rat, Give Me Back Its Ass!, Terrifying Tinky Winky, The Overflowing Airsickness Bags, Telephone Spam, Chrysanthemum Perspiration, Cardiac Perspiration, Armpit Rainbows
  
  
  Heard from the Commodore 64 "SAM" speech synthesizer in the late 1980s:
  "Atari computers are pieces of shit. Commodore computers are number one."
  "He shoots up drugs with dirty needles."
  "He drinks Massengill brand post-menstrual disposable douches."
  "A fucking cocksucker slashed the tires on my bicycle."
  "He is a cocksucker. Therefore, he's the one who slashed the tires on my bicycle."
  "He pisses in the shower."
  "He uses a hair dryer in the shower."
  "Snap off his spark plugs, put a hole in his radiator, and slash his...tires."
  "He thinks TV is a disease."
  "He thinks that light bulbs are planted in the garden every spring."
  "Put him in the 10-3 and close the lid."
  "He throws siggerets and lighters in the Collecto."
  "Put him in the barbecue oven for...nine hours."
  
  
  Anthrax had a song in 1991 called "Startin' Up A Posse". The lyrics are a bit dirty, but here they are for you:
  
  
  Now I'm gonna tell ya a story
  A tale of wrong and right
  And freedom is the reason
  You can't take it without a fight
  
  Verse 1
  So now I'm startin' up a posse
  (Suck my dick, suck my dick)
  To come and look for you
  (Suck my dick, suck my dick)
  We're gonna put a stop
  (Suck my dick, suck my dick)
  To what you want to do
  (Suck my dick, suck my dick)
  You fucking whores
  (You fuckin' whores)
  That's all you are
  
  Verse 2
  You say our records are offensive
  (You're a douche, You're a douche)
  Our messages ain't right
  (You're a douche, You're a douche)
  You say "We're gonna label records
  (You're a douche, You're a douche)
  So our kids can grow up right"
  (You're a douche, You're a douche)
  You fucking whores
  (Let them decide)
  That's all you are
  
  Chorus
  Shit, fuck, satan, death, sex drugs, rape
  These seven words you're trying to take
  Shit, fuck, satan, death, sex, drugs, rape
  Right or wrong it's our choice to make
  America the beautiful, Land of the free
  Don't change the words to land of Hypocrisy
  
  (You're a whore arenchya?!?) {After Verse 2 only}
  
  Verse 3
  Now I'm startin' up a posse
  (Fascist scum, fascist scum)
  And we'll damn sure make you see
  (Fascist scum, fascist scum)
  Something that offends you
  (Fascist scum, fascist scum)
  May not be offensive to me
  (Fascist scum, fascist scum)
  You fucking whores
  (You fuckin' whores)
  That's all you are
  
  Verse 4
  Now you might take offense
  To a word like "fuck" or "shit"
  (Dick!!!)
  But you fuckin' don't have the right
  (Cunt!!!)
  To discriminate me for saying it!
  You fuckin' whores
  (You fuckin' whores)
  That's all you are
  (Go suck a dick huh!!!)
  
  Chorus
  
  Verse 5
  So now I'm startin' up a posse
  (Motherfucker, motherfuck)
  To fight for freedom of choice
  (Motherfucker, motherfuck)
  To fight for freedom of speech
  (Motherfucker, motherfuck)
  We're gonna make you hear our voice
  (Motherfucker, motherfuck)
  
  Verse 6
  And now I don't do this to shock you
  (That's the end, that's the end)
  I don't do this for spite
  (That's the end, that's the end)
  You've got the choice, don't buy it, don't read it,
  (That's the end, that's the end)
  And don't say your opinion's right
  (That's the end, that's the end)
  You fucking whores
  (You fuckin' whores)
  That's all you are
  (Cunty, cunty, cunty, cunt)
  
  Verse 7
  You know you can't censor my feelings
  You can't censor my thoughts
  Censorship's against
  Everything America stands for
  You fuckin' whores
  (Let us decide)
  That's all you are
  (And this ain't sexist, either)
  
  Chorus
  
  
  From the Anthrax album "State of Euphoria" comes this song, "Finale":
  
  Life can be so wonderful
  Real love this time you fool
  And then you wake up
  And you'd chew off your own arm
  Or face the only graduate from Satan's school of charm!
  
  I hear your mama callin' you
  I hear you mama callin' you
  You'd better stand and face the truth boy
  I hear you mama callin' you
  
  I drink three six packs, just so I can look at your face
  Finally!!
  
  You give respect, you get respect
  And you just don't know your place
  Finally!
  
  You never learn, you always burn
  Now I've got you off my case
  Finally!
  
  I drank three six packs, just so I could look at your face
  Finally!
  
  See ya!
  
  Over, finished, gone, done out!
  
  She's not the one you married
  Not the one who cared
  Maybe it's her evil twin that got you by the shorthairs
  Can you live without it?
  Can you be a man?
  Can you tell her take a walk and stick it up her can?
  
  I hear your mama callin you
  I hear your mama callin you
  You'd better stand and face the truth boy
  I hear your mama callin you
  
  I drink three six packs, just so I can look at your face
  Finally!!
  You give respect, you get respect
  And you just don't know your place
  Finally!
  
  You never learn, you always burn
  Now I've got you off of my case
  Finally!
  
  I drank three six packs, just so I could look at your face
  Finally
  
  See ya!
  
  Over, finished, gone, done out!
  
  I hear your mama callin' you
  I hear you mama callin' you
  You'd better stand and face the truth boy
  i hear you mama callin' you
  
  Rape my mind led down the wrong path
  One too many rides and you crashed
  Had the looks but had no class
  Steal my life and taint my past
  Sorry I don't mean to laugh
  
  How long have you been waiting to be set free?
  Don't you know it's east as 1, 2, 3
  Don't be a fagget now thats the key
  Don't you know it's easy as 1, 2, 3
  
  Now I'm free, now I'm free, me me me, finally!!!!
  
  Over, finished, gone, done out!!!
  
  

  ---

  
  
  Credits:
  
  All text, graphics, and photography on all web pages and sites linked through the main listing by C.S.J. with the following exceptions:
  Comic rat pictures credited on pages where they appear.
  Photos of toliets, wall uranators, and bathroom products not photographed by me are credited where they appear.
  Photos of some flashlights are property of their respective owners.
  All ideas and execution by C.S.J.
  All other photos and text (C) Copywrong 1989-2014 C.S.J.
  Sound clip "flush the toliet bowl" (C) 1983 C.S.J.
  Technical advisor prior to Jan. 2000 (until I learned this crap for myself) :) Beholder
  . * From the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode #18 "Home Soil", airing in Seattle WA. USA 12-20-05 3:00pm PST.
  
  
  

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  Last Updated: APRIL 05, 2063
  
  
  
  "I am Cornholio. I need tp for my bunghole. You will give me all your caca."