This is a collection of corny observations on some of the most godawful 30 second and one-minute splices of film recently shown on prime-time television.
Let's take a stab at some of the more asinine commercials of the bunch.
WARNING! This website is rated TV-M due to foul language, cussing, 4-letter words, garbage mouth, potty mouth, toilet tongue, sewer mouth, sewer chute... well, you get the idea.
Updated 09-28-02
HERE ARE SOME LOW BLOWS AT NETWORK & CABLE COMMERCIAL SPOTS
SUPERTOLIET BOWL XL (#40) COMMERCIALS
The SuperTolietbowl was super this year (because my hometown team, the Seahawks, played in it), but I was *NOT* impressed with many of the commercials I saw. Here is my take on the most memorable commercials from this year's Commercialbowl.
DIET PEPSI
They had a commercial where there are two guys at the ends of a large wooden conference table, and the Diet Pepsi can next to one of the men has this damn n****r music (a pseudo-rap type of music) playing; I just wanted to stomp on the Diet Pepsi can with all I had, run over it repeatedly with a 400lb Rascalator thingie (motorised wheelchair), and pop a cap in my TV set's boob tube.
CREDIT UNIONS OF WASHINGTON
Another asinine commercial with that fucking rap music in it.
Makes me want to grab a Mac-10 and hose down my bitch ho TV with it. :-(
PS
This is a new cleaner, touted to reduce the spread of bacteria. What people in brilliant green space suits have to do with spray cleaners is beyond me.
Green space suits?
What a bunch of horse puckey.
Horse puckey!!!
Horse puckey!!!!!!
HOOOOOORSSSSSSE PUUUUUUCKKKKKKEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
Coors
They have a bunch of commercials running now and they all piss me off, but this one just infuriates me. It shows these teenage dirtbags dancing in a club, and the "song" starts out like "Bagizza gaa gaa gaaaaaaa, bagizza gaaa gaaa gaaa gaaa gaaaaaaaaaaah!!" and those are the only words to the song. This commercial rates very highly on my "Bloody Q-Tips Floating In the Toliet" scale, and I think whoever wrote it should have his head strapped to the biggest, most powerful loudspeaker at an Anthrax concert and let the band play their songs "Howling Furies" and "Metal Thrashing Mad" (from the album Fistful Of Metal) as loud as they can until his head explodes.
Wall-Mart (again)
In this commercial, that urine-yellow, swollen and distended "smiley" wears a hard hat and starts beating on store price flares with hammers, chopping them up with circular saws, and morphs into a destructo-ball and ruins one. Then a glove mysteriously appears in the air next to it, and "high fives" a Wall-Mart employee. This pisses me off so much I want to cram that yellow infected pussbag inside a rusty cistern, drop cyanide pills inside, seal it up with 100 rolls of duct tape, and finally, lob the whole mess off the side of the Tacoma Narrows bridge. But what pisses me off even more is the voiceover guy who says "At Wall-Mart, you always get low prices" or some shit like that. I can't STAND this asshole's voice. It sounds like he sucked some skanky male prostitute's cock for a week straight and then gargled with Lysol and razor blades. I think he should share the cistern with the Smiley as I gas them both, seal them in, and dump them overboard.
*SPLASH!*
Scrubbing Bubbles Flushable Toliet Wipes
These 20-something wastoids are sitting on this piece of shit couch in a piece of shit apartment watching a football game on their piece of shit TV set. Another greasy loser emerges from the bathroom and asks "Hey Steve, how do you get your toilet so white?" and Steve (on the couch) says he uses these toilet bowl wipes. Then he says "And get this... They're FLUSHABLE!!!" as if it were the greatest advancement in science since they put a dude on the moon. Bathroom guy sounds so surprised and says "Get out of here" or something equally stupid. Then Steve catches "White Toliet Wonderer" putting down his beer and says "Heeeeyyy... coaster, chief!" as if his piece of shit Goodwill coffee table would look any less better with one less white ring on it.
I think all three of these seminiferous tubloidial buttsnoids should take a box of Scrubbing Bubbles brand Flushable Toilet Wipes and take turns cleaning suicide-resistant stainless steel prison combys with them.
By the way... what's wrong with the garbage can? Everybody has a little wastepaperbasket in their bathroom, usually RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING TOILET!! Why not just dispose of the used Scrubbing Bubbles brand Flushable Tiolet Wipe in that? Ever try flushing a paper towel down your 1.6 gallon shitbowl? These toliet cloths require an otherwise unnecessary extra flush, thus wasting water YOU'RE trying so hard to save!
Geico
I've had ENOUGH with that stupid lizard. In one of their recent commercials, they show this slutty douchebag holding the gecko by its fragile forelegs and whirling it around in a field, while a love song plays in the background. Then it shows them walking along a beach, then riding a tandem bicycle together, and finally, a scene in a meadow where the lizard blows all the spores off a dandelion in "that" manner. The only thing missing was the shot of the lizard's pecker going "booiiiing!!" and becoming a little 1/4" hardon. I don't know about you, but I think this commercial borders on beastiality!!!
Glade Press And Fresh
This is a little bottled air freshener that you're supposed to hang above the cistern and press it after you take a dump. This little 4-year old carpet pig complains to his mom about how much his shit stinks and then asks her how something so little (the Press And Fresh canister) can make so much smell. Then she fires right back "I don't know, you tell me!".
That stinking little nagging carpet pig in this commercial needs to have about a dozen of those things crammed in his uptight little cornhole and then maybe he'll never stink up the bathroom again. For that matter, the mother ought to have a bunch of Press And Fresh cartridges shoved up her hoo-hoo as well. That'll solve two problems at once: she'll never have to buy douches again, and she'll never be able to shit out another whining bastard carpet pig either.
Mitsubishi
One of their commercials that pisses me off is the one that has this spazbag in a fugly hat having a seizure in the passenger seat. It looks like she overdosed on ecstasy, LSD, shrooms, Barney acid teepz, and PCP and also stole her grandma's nitro teepz and took them all at once. She flails her arms and head about as if having a grand mal seizure, and I bet she pissed in the seat too. I don't think I want a ride in that car, thankyouverymuch.
Bally's
Bally's stoops to a new low with this commercial for their health clubs. It shows this woman in leather and chains, wearing this godawful, fugly hat (yes, another awful hat in an ad), spazzing out like the Mitshibushi chick in the above message. Every time I see this fugly fucking spazbag in the fucking fugly hat, I just want to rip a urinal off the wall and throw it through my TV screen!!!
Juicy Fruit gum
This commercial features this bloated & distended whale prancing around on a stage next to a female train conductor. Then it points its flipper at the conductor and starts singing "Sharing is caring, enemas are so much fun, blah blah blah". I didn't see the gum stick sticking out of the conductor's pocket the first time around, so I sat there wondering what the hell the commercial was even for until they finally showed a closeup of the gum. Next thing you know, the conductor woman lays into this whale character, bowling it over onto its side and causing piss (?) or some other clear liquid to shoot out of it.
If I ever come across somebody wearing a swollen & distended whale outfit trying to steal gum, I'm going to beat it to a bloody pulp with my Edgar Martinez bat, load the pulp into a king-sized Juiceman Juicer, make popcycles out of the "juice" and shove them in every bodily opening of the people who shot that ad. Then I'll beat those guys to a pulp with a rusty toilet tank, load the pulp into a Lady Juiceman, turn it into soup (being sure to melt in about 100 packs of Juicy Fag gum), and use a funnel to pour the scalding hot gummy soup down the throats of everyone who thought this asinine commercial up in the first place!
SUPERTOLIET BOWL XXXVI (#36) COMMERCIALS
The SuperTolietbowl was super this year, but I was *NOT* impressed with most of the commercials I saw. Here is my take on the most memorable commercials from this year's Commercial Bowl.
Note, I fell asleep in the 3rd quarter and woke up halfway through the 4th, so I did not see all of this year's ads.
PRE-GAME:
One ad struck me all wrong. And it would be more than a day before I figured out it wasn't for "Pissones", but for "P-Zones" from Pizza Hut.
The first time this ad came on, I'd inadvertantly left the closed captioning on, and the captions blocked the name of the product. I had to wait until the next night to find out
the name of the product.
First mistake is they film it on a yucky, sweaty, stinky basket ball court. Instant turn-off.
The next downer is when that guy starts jabbing at the P-Zone eater's cheak with a pencil and saying "this is where the succulence is".
If someboy started poking me with a pencil,
I'd kick them in the balls.
FIRST QUARTER:
Bud Light. This commercial is set in a robot battle dome and is a ripoff of Duracell commercial with "Mr. Quackers", only Bud Light uses "Mr. Mini Fridge" as the main character.
Mr. Mini Fridge and a fearsome looking opponent meet in the battle area. Just when the opponent looks like it's going to turn Mr. Fridge into toilet soup, the fridge door opens and a Bud Light
can be seen inside. The opponent reaches a claw inside to take the bottle, and gets totally flattened by a powered hammer that came out of Mr. Fridges backside.
This was the best commercial of the entire game, in my opinion, and was the only one that elicited audible laughter in this household.
E*Trade. Can you say "SHOCK THE MONKEY AND WIN $20!"?
This one looked more like one of those fucking "Shock the monkey" banner ads than anything else. A monkey in a green top hat dancing to a musical number.
The "ad excecutives" say how pissed they are, and send the monkey on a rocket to the moon.
This ad wasn't that great, but at least I didn't have to run to the john holding a hand over my bulging mouth.
Pepsi. I've had just enough out of that fucking "Stupid Spice" or whoever the hell that woman is. Well, ok we all know who she is, and the first part of this ad wasn't nauseating.
But at the end when she sings "ba ba ba ba ba" with that urinous voice, I just wanted to throw an all-metal down marker at my TV.
Enough with the fucking "ba ba ba ba ba" already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next we had a Bud Light ad with some guy trying to pick up a chick at a bar, and he doesn't know how. So he turns to the Bud Light guy next to him for advice, then he says
the wrong thing to the woman and gets his block knocked off.
Stupid, but I guess I've seen worse.
Finally, there was an ad from Quisno's Subs. It showed a scientist in a room with his subject seated at a table in front of two sandwiches. One was a Quisno's, one wasn't.
When he asks the subject to choose, he shoots a sedative-laced blowdart into the subject's neck, causing him to fall face first into the wrong sandwich.
If this was for Quisno's, why not have the scientist arrange it so the eater falls into the Quisno's sub instead?
This one was just plain dumb, but at least it didn't leave me projectile vomiting all over my TV tube.
SECOND QUARTER:
Budweiser shows up here with one of its clydsedale horse ads. You know, those horses with the big swollen feet?
Turns out, it was actually a patriotic message, but one which I never saw because I was looking at the horses & wagon, and not the BACKGROUND.
The background started out as a snowy farm (that I did notice right when the spot came on), but apparently it subtly shifted to a scene of New York City, sans twin towers.
I'm going to have to wait for this one to come on again before deciding whether it needs to be bashed or praised.
Lipton Tea came on next with a terrible and downright gross ad starring its clay puppets.
Apparently, the puppets are all pissed off because they just got fired, and one of them starts a revolt. That "one" of them is this dumpy, ugly fellow with big dark ugly
wet puddles under his arms. My only question: WHY?!?!?!? Why the fucking yucky gross sweat puddles? On a fucking PUPPET for god sakes!?!?
I will never look at a bottle of Lipton tea again after seeing this ad.
All I'm going to see in my mind are those fucking nasty ass wet black Lake Eries under that puppet's arms.
Truly disgusting.
Visa had a not so bad ad starring some track and field stars, who are joined in a race by a horse and by a Nascar driver & his car.
It wasn't fucking nasty, but it wasn't totally memorable either. I had to go and do some research to figure out what the ad was for (Visa) only 24 hours after it aired and I started working
on this part of the page.
AT&T Wireless also ran a couple of wierd commercials for something called "mlife", and directed you to their website to find out what it was.
I went to the site, but that left me as fucking clueless as their commercials did.
By far, the WORST (actually, tied for this place) is one for Levis. It shows this fucking dirty sweaty nasty ass guy wearing a filthy yellowed wife beater walking down the street.
Only he wasn't "walking". His legs were doing something totally gross and disgusting, and I had to run to the toilet and vomit up my newly-eaten chips & dip after seeing this man's
legs and pelvis contort into all kinds of painful, very unnatural positions while he was moving down the sidewalk!!.
This commercial is SICK, it's DISGUSTING, and it's just FLAT OUT WRONG!!!
There's fucking smelly puke all over my carpet between the couch and the bathroom from when I didn't make it.
Levis, you bastards, you owe me a rug.
Cocksuckers!!!
THIRD QUARTER:
There's one commercial I forgot what it was for, but it showed a bunch of ordinary people doing very ordinary things. Most of them were overweight.
Was it for a weight loss pill?
I slept through most of this quarter, and don't remember any other outstanding commercials from it.
FOURTH QUARTER:
I slept through about the first half of this quarter too, so I missed some more.
One that stood out was for a casadia from Taco Bell that was done up like a car ad.
That just fucking sucks, but it's better (though only marginally so) than the one that compared a casadia to a cell phone. :-O
Another ad I saw during the game was for that fucking Truth outfit (those fuckers are why my smokes are $7 a pack now!!), and consisted of airplanes flying over a beach, each one towing banners with names of elements off
the periodic table written on them. What the hell was that supposed to mean?!?
POSTGAME:
Sometime during the post-game hoopla, there was a commercial by Smirnoff Ice.
It featured this FUCKING LOUD RAP MUSIC and some DJs "mixing" it. I hit the mute right away because I can't tolerate that kind of music whatsoever, and won't allow it in my house even
if it comes from the TV or through a window. So I didn't know what they were saying after that point. I think it had something to do with the sweaty guy in the green shirt that was dancing,
because the DJs seemed to be pointing to him.
In my part of town and in the cores of many other large cities, malt liquor beverages (wine coolers, anything with "Ice" in its name, big bottles of beer, etc.)
are already considered "ghetto booze" and "wino booze" by the liquor board, and this commercial just reinforces that feeling. You know, a cheap high that
winos and other assorted down-and-outers will resort to buying with their panhandling earnings. You would not see Smirnoff Ice or any other "Ice" malt beverage
in a high class martini bar.
Shame on them for creating AND PAYING to have this commercial broadcast.
This commercial ties for THE WORST with that Levi's busted spazzing legs guy.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.
Taco Bell
Once again, Taco Bell bothers us with another fucking lousy advertisement. In this one they're comparing a chicken casedia to a computer.
No fucking connection whatsoever... not on the "lunch platform" and not on the "dinner platform" either. :-O
I don't know what the hell a casedia is, but now I don't even want to find out.
7-11
This commercial has a couple of guys hawking pop & hot dogs.
But one of them flashes those goddamn idotic gang signs. I just want to whip out my Mac-10 and bust a cap in his ass. :-O
S.A.P.
This commercial for Internet company S.A.P. seems to only be played during TV golf.
They keep talking about a "Noo-Noo economy". Could a multi-billion dollar corporation really be talking about the fat
little vacuum cleaner from the Teletubbies that sucks up puss-colored custard that the Teletubbies threw all over the walls??!?!?
Will the Noo-Noo suck up towels and other clothes off the bathroom floor that got soaked in piss & shit from
a toliet that got broken in an earthquake?
Will the Noo-Noo suck all the hosels off my golf clubs?
Will S.A.P. replace my Noo-Noo if it sucks up broken light bulbs and ends up being featured on Pictures of Broken Things?
Do I need to get out the double barrel shotgun and hose down the Noo-Noo with it to end its rampage?
I don't know what S.A.P. does or what the initials stand for, but they need to hire a better ad guy.
TACO BELL (again)
Now these seminiferous tubloidial buttnoids have a commercial where these workers pile out of an office and break into song.
"I'm just a guy, a dude, and I'm hungry... something something for, something something beaf steak taco at Taco Bell."
You can't understand half the fucking words they're saying.
Then they press their greasy faces all over a perfectly good window and ruin it.
Whoever made this piss-poor commercial should be tied down, have hoses & funnels shoved down his little cocksucking face,
and have congealing french fry grease poured in until it shoots out of his ding dong.
Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid.
SPRITE (again)
Now they have a commercial that has a car driving down the road, and the pair up front singing just fucking horribly.
Something about a grasshopper uranating on a carpet nail or something. The point of the commercial is to drink Sprite, accumulate "points" and then use them to buy a fucking pair of headphones... but did they have to take it this far?!?!? Those bungholes sing so horribly, it makes my ears bleed.
This is another commercial that ranks in "extremely foul" territory. If you came over to my house some night and saw bloody Q-tips floating in the toliet, you can bet
this commercial must have run and I couldn't kick the TV out the window quickly enough.
(N.B. My remote has been used for cutting off foul commercials so often, it is worn out and no longer functions).
Subway
One of their worst series of commercials ever is the one with that evil hand puppet.
A shining example of this is the one where the puppet accosts a pair of lovers in Italy and asks them where to find the asagio cheese.
The boat driver tells him it's in Scousa(sp) which is apparently a word that means something entirely different than what the hand puppet expects (perhaps vulgar?), rather than a place on the map.
The puppet's voice is so fucking irritating, I just want to lather the asinine thing up in concentrated camel urine, wrap it in a plastic bag
(along with another generous dose of the strong, corrosive piss), and let it stew in the hot Italian sun that way
for a few months until it's dead, dead, DEAD!!!
I recently came across a "testimonial" from another viewer who expressed a very similar opinion:
"...They started using that fucking shadow puppet on crack. What the hell kind of mascot is that? Its voice drives me up the wall, and is it trying to be funny? Adults can't possibly find the 'oh! sorry italian lovers! i'm here looking for asiago cheese!' crap funny, and I can't imagine kids getting excited because there's burnt cheese on top of the bread. At least put Jared back on, he's got the sense to keep his mouth shut. :-)
"
(Read all of the testimonials at http://spine.cx/subway/)
LEVIS $*&!@% PANTS
These turd burglars have the most idiotic, piss-poor commercial I've seen all year.
They show pictures of people's torn-off umbilical cords (belly buttons) and animate them to music.
Everytime this stupid worthless piece of fly shit comes on, I just want to go kick a toilet off the wall,
stuff a pair of 501's down an unflushed urinator filled with
rotten cat piss and then lob it off the Tacoma Narrows bridge.
SPRITE
They have these commercials where people come on and do this rap (but without the music), complete with those fucking moronic hand gestures like
you see them do on rap videos that makes the actor look like a worthless piece of shit kindergarten-killer gang wannabe IDIOT!!!
My neighbor plays his rap music frequently, I don't need to hear that crap on TV too.
God I just want to shoot the motherfucking bitch ho TV out everytime one of these comes on... but alas, all I can realistically (and legally) do is
reach for the remote as quickly as possible and flip it to another channel for a minute.
Sprite, your ads fucking suck.
Fuck you and the horse that rode you in. Your wannabe rap gang members with the idiotic hand gesturing makes me want to ralf all over the picture tube
& empty 2-litre bottles of Sprite into a wall urinator.
COACOA PUFFS
The commercial itself isn't all that bad, but it's the "special offer" inside the box that's got me all worked up. They have these pez dispensers
of various Kellog's cereal box characters, and I can't help but want to buy some of this cereal to get the Cheerios bee dispenser, and enjoying the hell out of
torturing the creature to no end and eventually pulverizing the fucking thing with a tire iron.
Just seeing a likeness of the Cheerios bee on TV drives me to insanity and a need to physically mutilate and destroy the fucking worthless piece of shit creature and throw the TV out a 3rd floor window.
THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE
A recent commercial has the owner swearing up & down that they would never rent
tuxedos, and graphically explaining the reasons why. Now what are they promoting? That's right! Tuxedo rentals.
You too can rent a tux with dinner plate sized, salt encrusted still-damp yellow sweat puddles under the arms and half a
dozen used French Tickler condoms still in the pocket. :-O
And who's to say the previous renter didn't also go "commando" in those pants? Fucking yucky.
ANTI-DRUG PREVENTION (Government PSA)
These boobs are running a public service thing that makes no fucking sense at all. Kids come on the screen and tell the viewer how much they hate their parents, and then THANK THEM immediately afterwards.
Absolutely fucking senseless.
U.S. GOVERNMENT
Aren't you tired of all those politically correct ads for anti-smoking?
I've just about had enough of Debbie, that wrinkled old douchebag that huffs down ciggarettes through her tracheostomy tube and tells you the
tobacco company has made her a slave to cigarettes;
and that one where they cut up an infected pig asshole, squeeze all the puss out, and tell you it's your heart or something like that.
At least quit playing these wasteful, useless commercials at mealtime.
:-()~~ O=[] (puking in a toilet bowl)
:-()~~ {[][]|-+ (puking in a wall urinator)
:-()~~ \_/ (puking in a plastic wastebasket)
:-()~~ o\_______ (puking all over my fucking brand new golf clubs)
And what's with the guy who cuts up a picture of someone and puts it in the pack. Nobody looks at the pack when they take out a
cigarette; he would soon forget it was there and end up throwing it in the wastepaperbasket once the pack was empty.
ROC
The announcer needs to learn his english a little better before going on the air. He mispronounces words, and says "Hock" instead of "Roc".
Makes me want to microwave cups of urine and pour them down his throat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, drink that fucking piss, you vocally challenged freak!!
THE ANIMAL
No, I'm not a movie reviewer. I don't even go to movies.
But I'm sick and tired of the trailer for "The Animal" that's been stuffing up our TV tubes lately.
I don't want to see Rob Schneider swimming upright, squeaking, running on all fours, spanking a goat or pissing in a mailbox.
Stop the insanity!!!
PEPSI
I just hate that commercial with the Spice Girls or whoever the hell they are. That music is the kind that gets stuck in your head until you feel like reaching in the nightstand drawer for the gun and ending your misery. And what's with that back and forth shit that woman in the diner does with her arm? That's the most fucking idiotic thing I've ever seen. Even with the sound muted, I want to go downstairs, get the shotgun, and hose down the TV with both barrels!
CAPTAIN CRUNCH
They have a new commercial that starts by showing a car tire with chrome hubcap, and some colored reflections in it.
Then you hear this fucking rap music (you can tell I hate rap) and some kids in a bouncing car trying to eat the stuff,
but the cereal is flying all over the place... and you can just imagine how sour & stinky that milk must get when
it gets inside the car seats and festers there for a few days in hot weather. :-O
GO CAPTAIN... and don't come back!!!
KELLOG'S MINI WHEATS
You've seen this one, where the piece of mini-wheat cereal is hitchhiking and arguing with itself.
But what's with the floating gloves? That's so fucking idiotic... they should have put arms on it.
Makes me want to buy a pair of driving gloves and beat the piss out of a box of Mini Wheats with them.
BLACK AN(G)US
Our filthy cowboy friend and his woman "Ebby" is back. 'Nuff said.
CLOROX WIPES
They have a commercial that starts out with the dialogue "oh look at the puppy, isn't he cute?" and then you can hear the dog pissing all over the carpet, and the voiceover saying "not any more."
The distinct sound of urine splashing in carpeting isn't exactly what I want to hear at the breakfast table, thank you very much. :-O
KFC (again!)
They have a commercial for sweet and spicey chicken parts and people saying words that are some combination or other of the words "sweet" and "spicey", like "sweecey" or "swicey". That's fine... nothing wrong with that.
But near the end, one guy says "swice a noma". What the fuck does that have to do with "sweet" or "spicey"?
How about just plain "stupid"?
TACO BELL
The latest commercial is just sickening. You know the one, where the three guys start thumping their elbows on the table somewhat in synch with a Queen tune, and then the lady across from them says
to "stop doing that". The camera shakes much more than is needed to achieve a good effect when the table is thumped.
This commercial is so terrible, foul, and irritating, it makes me want to de-evolve into a pygmy marmoset or a rhesus monkey and start throwing my own feces at the TV!
KFC
They're back, advertising something called a Twister.
Apparently though, KFC has little confidence in their product, as the voice-over says "how good is that?" near the end. If they have to ask, it can't be that great.
DOMINOS
Their stuffed "Andy" character is a pretty good advertising gimmick, and is reasonably cute to boot.
But in one of the spots, it shows Andy taking a thermometer out of the pizza bag and putting it in his mouth, but he makes this "hacking a loogie" sound while doing so.
What's up with that?!?
MR. CLEAN
The commercial says it disinfects better than the leading pine cleaner.
But if you read the "fine print" that appears on the screen, these results were based on rubbing the affected area 13 times! Who in their right mind is going to rub a spot
13 times, then move an inch or two, rub 13 times, and keep on doing that until their kitchen is clean? At this rate, it would take you hours to clean & sanitize an
average sized kitchen counter.
EAGLE HOME & GARDEN
In this commercial, the husband is unable to repair a doorknob. First with the old screws... it falls off. Then with electrician's tape, same results. Then he goes
to Eagle and buys new screws. The announcer says it's fixed, yet when his wife turns the knob at the end, NOTHING HAPPENS! The striker (the thingie that sticks out
and fits into the hole in the doorframe) doesn't budge a millimeter when the knob is turned.
NISSAN
The guy in this commercial says something quite stupid when he's describing the fact that
the new truck has four doors. He says "Four doors... what's that?"
What do you mean by "what's that?"?!? It's FOUR MOTHERFUCKING DOORS, you stupid bogus pisson!
In another commmercial, this same guy says the truck has "four real doors". Do other trucks have FAKE doors or something?
HALLS MENTHO-LYPTUS
Shame on you, shame on you for broadcasting
such an awful commercial. You know the one, where the two children want to go skiiing, but the father is all fucked up with the common cold.
In this one, he pops a Halls with Vapor Action, and is "transported" to a sauna with a couple of downright ugly, rather large men seated at his sides.
One of them says "Breathe, breathe my tasty friend!" and the other one inhales - but it sounds more like he's throwing up in a goddamn toilet rather than what the commercial intends - to portray
someone inhaling deeply without stuffiness.
This commercial makes me want to come at the TV with a hatchet and chop out the picture tube!
YUCKY!!!
JENNY CRAIG
Shame on you, shame on you for broadcasting
yet more images of that Monica Lewinski cunt. Don't you people realise we've had ENOUGH of her already?!?
Some TV stations have already taken the first positive step in this campaign - refusing to run your new commercial! Hooray for them!
If you the website viewer are on a Jenny Craig diet right now, please switch to some other program - might I suggest Weight Watchers, or one of the infomercial
diets for starters.
At least until the people at Jenny Craig pull their Monica commercials. Then go ahead and switch back to Jenny Craig.
TAKE CONTROL
Regis Philbin "stars" in
this commercial. He sounds almost identical to my apartment's resident manager. He's a great guy. But this commercial SUCKS!!! That fucking music, they've got
to do something about that music. That synthetic "whistling" tune that plays throughout is just full of sour, discordant notes. Everytime it comes on, I reach for the Q-tips because it
makes my ears bleed.
If you came over to my house some evening and saw bloody Q-tips floating in the toilet, you can bet that
the Take Control commercial must have played recently.
PANASONIC
This well-known company has a new advertising campaign going for their HDTV televisions and other products, which feature
somebody (?) or something (?) doing just a godawful job at singing a song throughout. The guy's voice sounds like he's been
inhaling aerosol cans and sucking someone's ghonnorhea infested stinky rotten cock for the past three days, and it's irritating as hell! I own a nice television, and I cringe everytime I see or hear this commercial come on, hoping somebody doesn't
give me a Panasonic TV for Christmas after this commercial had been running for a few weeks.
CLOROX BLEACH
The people at Clorox must really be attracted to their talking bottles, because they made another talking bleach bottle spot.
But this time, they got it right!. In their first one, a man & woman are at a laundromat. The guy makes the grave error of using
only half a cup of bleach; and he acted very stupid when his female companion filled his measuring cup all the way up.
In this commercial, which is an exact duplicate of the original except that they used black actors, the guy acts more like you or I would - taking
only a casual glance at the measuring cup as it is being filled. Thank you Clorox, for getting the message! Maybe I'll buy your bleach after all.
ARM & HAMMER TOOTHPASTE
You've all seen this one... where the woman is eying a man in a museum(?) and when he smiles, his teeth are yellow.
Boy, are they yellow too. It looks as though they've been soaking in a bottle of cat piss for the last five years.
Also, the man has visible difficulty in maintaining his smile, even for a few seconds. This is evidenced by the way his
lower lip quivers during his close-up shot.
REACH TOOTHBRUSHES
Thank you, thank you for getting rid of that idiotic butt-naked Reach guy with the gigantic schnozz.
You're now using a more normal looking cartoon man, and for that I cannot thank you enough!!!
Now, if only the guy with the piss-stained teeth in the Arm & Hammer commercial can be persuaded to use a Reach toothbrush.
LEVIS PANTS
You have one of the stupidest commercials I've seen in a long time. You know the one - where the clothes stand up
and walk around under their own power with nobody using them. That's just plain idiotic, and it sucks.
A floating pair of pants and a shirt starts breaking things, then sweeps up the mess and answers the door; inviting another set of floating clothes into the room.
Then the second shirt undbuttons itself and falls to the floor, followed by the first pair of pants.
Stupid. Just plain asinine.
Then at the end, a shirt floats up to the door, and opens it. More floating clothes appear, and some old glasses float in mid-air above
them, while a teenage-sounding voice says something like "ahhhh".
What's the deal with that?
HELLO
I have no idea of what this product is supposed to be. Something called "Hello". The commercial consists entirely
of a phoney, high whiney voice saying things like "hello brother", "hello lunchmeat", "hello locker", "hello faggot" and
"hello backpack"; continuing to say "hello" to various other objects right up until the commercial finishes. The objects being
addressed are usually, but not always displayed on the screen.
So where can I go and buy a can of "Hello" anyway?
(One viewer wrote and mentioned the product is something called "HELLO KITTY", a Japanese cartoon character.)
TACO BELL (again!)
Now these buttmunches have their chihuaha singing a romantic melody of some kind.
At least they didn't use the same awful, cheesy Mexican accent this time.
PETS.COM
An absolutely moronic sock puppet "stars" in these commercials for a new internet store. The acting is just godawful,
and the voice of the puppet leaves something to be desired. It's just an all-around irritating series of spots. I change the channel
when one of these comes on to avoid getting my ears shattered by that grating voice they used.
SPRINT PCS
This commercial shows a woman zipping around like a Talosian on the original Star Trek series; ie. she's moving so rapidly
she's nothing but a quickly disappearing blur on the screen. And you can barely understand what she's saying.
"Here's your coffee" and "I'll take that" are the only two phrases I could understand from her in this entire spot.
BLACK ANGUS
The guy they've been using in their commercials for months & months always looks as though he really, really needs a shower &
a few changes of laundry.
He always looks just fucking filthy. I wouldn't share my booth at that steakhouse with him if you PAID ME TO!
Update: Black Angus cleaned the guy up and gave him a girlfriend, named "Ebby". Very, very strange name - but at least the guy doesn't
look like a stinking bum anymore.
HEFTY 1-ZIP BAGS
One of these commercials shows two women bagging cookies; one with Hefty 1-Zip and the other with "regular" zip lock bags.
In no time, they're fighting over the package of Hefty bags. Didn't these women learn anything in pre school about sharing?
They should have at least tuned past Barney the Dinosaur at some point. You know, the Barney episode called "Sharing Is Caring".
If they did, they'd share their package of Hefty 1-Zips instead of fighting over them.
PERT PLUS
This guy running around town with a sink and bottles of Pert Plus shampoo is starting to get old.
Not to mention that on some of these spots, the sink sports a wooden lid or mirror frame of some kind, which causes it to appear as though he is hauling around a toilet bowl on wheels.
And tell me if I'm wrong - but isn't this guy really starting to put on the weight since his first set of Pert Plus ads?
What's going on here, is he drinking the stuff or something?
NICODERM C-Q
Ugly actress. Grating speech. And when she draws that staircase-shaped form onto the glass with a stick of shoe polish or whatever the hell that white crap is,
she can't even get it right. It's not just a little off - it's waaaay off. That's what live camera monitors are for. Apparently,
she doesn't know how to use what's available to her in that studio.
TACO BELL
Please, plllleeeaaaaasse get rid of that damn stupid looking, asinine sounding dumbo-eared mutt. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm sure a lot of other people (especially Hispanic) are, too. If its grotesque appearance doesn't get you, that fake, cheezy Mexican accent will.
Personally, I'd just hang a wastebasket next to your TV chair - you can just turn & puke every time you see one of Taco Bell's
canine fetish commercials.
BURGER KING
On their first big run of promos for the "Wild Wild West" meals, they forgot to run an antialiasing protocol on some of their computer generated
graphics. As a result, there is a brief moment where you can see the graphics with a very bad case of the "jaggies" - where the rounded
edges appear to be stair-stepped instead of more smooth. Since antialiasing programs take time to run, it can only be assumed that they
just tossed this commercial together in an hour or so just so they could get it out the door in time for the Wild Wild West premier.
Later runs of this and other spots using the same graphics have this little problem fixed.
NEW DRY ULTRA CLOROX II BLEACH FOR COLORS
Those whacky Clorox people are at it again with their talking bottles. But now they have a talking box!
This new talking box though, was designed even worse than the Capt'n Crunch character; in that its eyes are mounted on top like
a crab's; and its eyebrows just hang there in thin air over the eyes!
Fortunately for us though, Clorox doesn't "electrify" the new box and have it tell the consumer how much it likes being zapped; unlike an
earlier commercial with only the talking bottles which did.
UNKNOWN?!?!?
This spot is the strangest I have seen in many, many years - if not ever!!!
A nearly bald guy, sporting "mouse ears" (where he is totally bald on top, but doesn't cut the long hair profusely
sprouting out of the sides of his head) is standing in the front of a room; while several other actors are in the background. He draws several
badly-formed shapes on a white board while his "audience" shouts out various words in response; apparently attemptng to guess
what the drawn objects are supposes to be.
The figures he draws are badly-rendered; and include a kind of 3-D rectangular shape, a flat rectangle with an indistinguishable
shape or marking inside of it, and what appears to be a rather childlike drawing of an automobile - perhaps a tall station
wagon or a van.
The commercial then abruptly ends - with absolutely no indication of what the product being advertised is!!!
What kind of stupid dumb turd burglars would put this kind of hosed out crap on the air anyway??
YORK PEPPERMINT PATTY
These guys have a whole pile of commercials, with one common flaw: When they show the person holding the half-eaten candy, in
almost every instance the patty has a neat, semicircular bite sawn out of it.
The flaw? It looks as though these people forgot to unwrap the candy before biting into it and ended up eating the wrapper along with the patty,
since the wrapper is missing around the bite and doesn't at all appear folded or crumpled onto the remaining product.
I've only seen one of these commercials where the wrapper was clearly unfolded well below the bite mark.
VISTA OPTICAL
They've filmed a number of similar spots lately,
but one that stands out is with the guy who cuts a pair of glasses in half with wire nips. He makes a very idiotic gesture when he taps the lenses of
his glasses near the end of this commercial - none of the other actors make this gesture.
When he taps his glasses, he bites his lip and just looks plain stupid in doing so.
DIE HARD BATTERIES
In the "flood" sequence, there's this
scene where the line of automobiles all switch their headlights on. Each car makes this loud banging/clanking/thud kind of sound (like a metal suitcase being viciously smashed into a wall) as its lights come on.
What's with that?
There aren't too many more things more stupid than this.
KFC
Another one of these KFC spots using that phoney-ass cartoon
Colonel Sanders; this one advertises their "Extra Crispy" chicken. At one point, the character says something that sounds identical to, "It's new, and, goddamn the furniture!"
This spot has been running for months, and I have yet to figure out just what he really is saying, since it simply cannot
be the foul, toilet-tongued language it sounds like.
CHEVY
Their "Chevy Summer Days" commercial contains some of the most
irritating music that's ever been used on any recent commercials. It is almost as irritating as that loud, obscene drum/rap style used on the AARID deodorant spot.
But this music is way too fast, and they're just flat overdoing the electric guitar work. I listen to bands like Pantera and Anthrax; both known
for being fast & heavy - and this music makes them seem like slow dance waltzes in comparison.. Eeeewwww.
SATURN
Their latest batch of ads for the
new Saturn LS contains a real bomb. It's the one where somebody's reeling in some pants on an outdoor wash line. The wash line is squeaky!
Don't those bungholes believe in WD-40 or 3-in-1 oil? The wash line squeaks so badly that is is actually irritating to listen to.
(By the way... what do pants hanging on a wash line have to do with a new kind of car anyway?)
GTE
Their ad starring "Olivia" and her tiara takes the cake
for having the ALL-TIME UGLIEST actress in any commercial, at any time in this history of NTSC television. YUCK!
Didn't they
see all of those shattered mirrors & broken flashlights in the wastebasket?
Didn't they hear lights & filters pop while filming this one?
Why didn't the camera's sun hood jump off its mounting ring & cover that poor lens? NO camera should have to suffer like the ones used in filming this commercial did.
When she dies and they have an open-casket funeral, I hope the family members all bring their welding goggles.
JET DRY
The talking rinse agent dispenser in this commercial was cute at first,
but wears down on your ears very quickly. The voice they used is just irritating, especially when this spot runs more than once a week.
WALL-MART
The absolute pinnacle of stupidity?
When a big yellow "smiley face" thingie wearing a cowboy hat stupidly bounces onto the screen, pulls out a whip, and starts beating on store price flares with it.
Kinky son of a bitch. I change this one the moment I see that grey hat bouncing up & down at the beginning.
The voice-over also sucks; it sounds as though he has laryngitis from sucking too much dick.
Whoever invented this horrid concept should be hung in the woods, covered with salt & jellied alcohol, and whipped with his own creation.
PULL-UPS TOILET TRAINING PANTS
This commercial uses a variation
of the "overexposure" effect, but uses a whole sequence of them fired off quickly. They also slightly change the camera position between
each flash.
Nasty.
The only good part? Where the kid says "Don't use too much toilet paper or the toilet will overflow." Wonder how he learned this.
DENNY'S
Their "Love Machine" commercial with the chicken getting out of the limousine
and dancing around borders on the sick. I pray for the poor soul who has to clean all the bird shit out of the limo's seats when they
finished shooting this commercial. My heart goes out to you.
UNITED FURNITURE WAREHOUSE (Update)
They finally got the message and got rid of that butt-ugly fartknocker with no vocal talents. A month or so after their review on this page,
their production people took them off the air and created a whole batch of new ones without this character.
FEBREZE (Update)
These guys too, have apparently
gotten the message from this web page that their camera technique really bites; and have pulled those asinine things off the air and
made new ones which are much easier on the eyes.
FEBREZE
The absolute king of abusing
that asinine "overexposure" effect; especially in some of their earlier commercials. Does their video guy see in negative halftones or something?
Just awful. Thank god they don't mix several terrible camera effects at once. What a mess that would be.
RENT-A-CENTER
Six words: Voice lessons, voice lessons, voice lessons.
REACH TOOTHBRUSHES
What's with the "Reach Guy's" nose anyway? That thing is half as big as his head! And you ever notice too, that our little
nose friend is prancing around on the stage NAKED?!? This guy needs a nose job, and a visit to wardrobe.
LISTERINE
The "fighting toothbrush" sequence is kind of funny, but they pull a boner off about halfway through. When the toothbrush is "defeated" for the second time,
it gets up with "birdies" tweeting & flying around its head, and the scene blurs out! This is very stupid, as it should only
occur from the toothbrush's point of view (1st person perspective) - not from the viewer's (3rd person perspective).
Listerine redeems themselves somewhat though, with the cool computer animation in one of their other spots where it shows bacteria
and other parasites popping under a virtual flood of Listerine liquid.
1-800-COLLECT
Hire somebody with
better vocal quality and enunciation. The "drill seargent" character isn't the optimum choice, especially near the end, where he "sings" a little jingle.
Sounds to me like he's saying "C-O-L-L-A-T-T, Save a buck or two or three!". Why would he advertise AT&T's long distance service?
COMPAQ PRESARIO
This commercial
goes way overboard in using the "overexposure" effect; even beyond the point of actually abusing it.
So much so in fact, that this spot is actually difficult to watch, and difficult to hold your attention to. Please fire your
video post guy and hire someone with some sense of aesthetics.
Shame on you. Shame on you!
CLOROX II
When the laundry starts squeaking and runs away from the
washingmachine, this commercial makes me want to ralf. Come on lady, get all of those clothes and just stuff those fuckers right into that washer.
Makes me want to buy a gun and hose down the laundry room with it.
Now let's see those "scared clothes" run - hopefully right into the washingmachine full of "regular" bleach.
CLOROX II
The animated "assembly
line" with that 'female' talking bottle
is just idiotic. Even more so when that metal clamp comes down and "electrifies" the bottle, and she says "Oooohh, I like it!".
Kinky sons of ... well, you know.
CLOROX BLEACH
Geez, can't these guys
get off of their "talking bottle" fetish? In this one, two bottles of "regular" bleach are commenting on the guy at the laundromat only using half a cup
of Clorox. Then the woman shows him to use a FULL cup - and this guy stares at the cup while she's filling it, with an expression of
utter suprise and amazement.
Hasn't this guy ever seen somebody pouring something into a fucking cup before? Judging by his expression, and the way he cocks his head like a puppy that doesn't understand
something that had just been spoken to it, I'd say not.
RICE KRISPIES
Those Rice Krispie's elves look & act too much like those goddamn queer keebler's elves.
Their "maternity ward" scene with the Rice Krispie's Treats is really dumb, and in earlier runs, it was difficult to tell what the
advertisement was even for; until they added the Elves in the more recent version of this commercial.
KEEBLER'S
Those Keebler's elves look & act too much like the Rice Krispie's elves.
My personal opinion? I would never eat something that was made inside of a tree by beetle-sized creatures. Bring your flyswatter to
the table when you open Keebler's snacks. :)
AIG AUTO INSURANCE
Way, way too phoney & staged.
From the guy holding his cup under the coffeemaker at just the right second (where's the pot?), to the fake "wired" toast shooting out of the toaster, this piss poor excuse for a piece of maggot infested decomposing horseshit sucks. The coffeepot never does appear in this commercial (just look at the backgrounds in most of the shots) - there must be a real
mess on the stage by the time this awful production finishes up.
This is also one of a number of commercials where the producers go way overboard with the lens flare filter.
Their artist must have gotten his start in life with Photoshop and discovered the lens flare just prior to stepping up to video production.
TACO BELL
That damn chihuahua must DIE. The first time they showed him, he was
saying something like "yo quero Taco Bell" - which I thought translated into "Taco Bell is gay". Funny stuff -- at first. But beyond the first couple of viewings, and countless
new commercials using that deformed, mangy mutt; Taco Bell has really stooped to a new low in creating endless streams of irritating television.
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
Get rid of that cartoon Colonel Sanders. If you must maintain a military
presence, pull off some Forrest Gump trick and use the REAL Colonel. That cartoon character sucks, and they can't even get the sound effects timed right
on some of these commercials.
FORD
One of their commercials with the famous country singer is very high on the
irritation scale. "If I had money, tell ya what I'd do..." Remember that? They'd cut to "ordinary" people trying to finish the song, and some of them are downright
painful to listen to because they sing in such a discordant, tone-deaf manner. YUCK!
COLD CEREAL (SEVERAL BRANDS)
In many cereal commercials, the wax paper inner bag is missing from the package. I would never eat cereal that
came out of one of those boxes.
PAIN TABLETS (ANY BRAND)
The pain sufferer always manages to tip just two pills into his or her hand. Never one, never half the bottle.
NATIONWIDE WAREHOUSE
The voice announcer is just horrid. He should lose his job.
One of the worst TV voices ever heard - it's very hoarse and grating, even worse sounding than glass shards being dragged over a chalkboard.
Makes you want to come at the TV with a hatchet and chop out the speaker.
This is another commercial I go out of my way to shut down or change the channel on.
A.L.L.
The announcer's voice sucks! It sounds
as though he has a cold and is also speaking through a paper towel tube filled with insulation after sucking dick for a week straight.
HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
I wish I could hang a bug zapper over my breakfast table to take out that fucking idiotic piece of shit bee once and for all.
MASSENGIL DOUCHES
How come they film the douches in flowers, with a softening, foggy lens filter? This ain't enough to stop a skanky ho from smelling like fish, so what makes them think the blurry, out of focus douches will?
MILLSTONE COFFEE
This cameraman's ghastly work should cost him his job. Most of the shots waver around as if the cameraman started his day with
a few 40's of Olde English 800 malt liquor. Hasn't that bunghole ever heard of a device called a "tripod"? You know, a tripod,
one of those funny metal things that screws into the bottom of the video camera to hold it steady?
They call it "style", but this "style" makes me nauseous every time I watch it.
CAPTAIN CRUNCH
Ever notice his eyebrows are on the outside of his hat?
THE BON MARCHE
A heavy metal band is doing the jingle for this piss poor mattress commercial. You can't understand a goddamn word of what the band is singing about - presumably something about the matresses. Close-captioning isn't used, so no help there either.
FOLGER'S COFFEE
How is it that the automatic coffeepot starts dumping fresh coffee in the pot only a few milliseconds
after it turns itself on? You would never see that with yours, not even with the fastest & most expensive models available.
SHAMPOO (ANY BRAND
The actors are shown shampooing with their eyes open. Your or I would shampoo with our
eyes tightly pinched shut to avoid the burning detergent from getting into them.
TOOTHPASTE (ANY BRAND)
When they show a child brushing, he or she never splatters foam & toothpaste all over
the mirror or the sink, as would happen with real children in real homes.
PAPER TOWELS (ANY BRAND)
They always show somebody cleaning up a large spill by tearing off one towel, and soaking
up the entire mess without folding or bunching the towel up. You or I would rip off two or three towels, wad those bitches up,
and then clean up the spill.
TOLIET PAPER (ANY BRAND
How come they call it bath tissue anyway? You'd never think of using it in the
bathtub. Think of what it would do to that tiny drain!
MD TOILET PAPER
This commercial consists of a picture of a toilet, with the announcer telling you that if you use a strong
toilet paper like MD, you reduce the risk of besmudging your hands with feces. It's kinda gross, especially when it's played
during mealtime.
GEICO AUTO INSURANCE
The ultimate in stupidity: the "siamese triplets" trying to fight over a woman. How fucking idiotic.
Their expressions and their angry/emotional/jealous dialogue are just asinine. I change the channel the instant this little gem
comes on.
Geico redeems themselves though, with the super-cool commercial where the automobile "constellation" in the night sky is hit by a "comet"
that blows out the car's windshield. Too cool.
SUBARU OUTBACK
One word: IRRITATING.
That "Crocodile Dundee" character is just plain irritating to listen to. It doesn't matter which one of several you watch, they're all
about equally high on the "fingernails on chalkboard" scale.
"What's the rug for?" he asks in one of his commercials. Hell, I have no idea what the rug is for. Please, just drive your Outback away and never come back.
UNITED FURNITURE WAREHOUSE
This seminiferous tubloidial buttsnoid has no business being on TV.
He's butt-ugly, and his voice is so horrid, there should be a law passed prohibiting bungholes like him from being anywhere near a microphone.
For that matter, he shouldn't even be allowed to OWN a microphone. How many lenses and filters did they break before they realised this guy isn't just ugly,
he's downright FUGLY. Maybe they didn't count the busted mirrors & broken disposable cameras in the dressing room before they started shooting.
His looks would probably even cause the wall urinators in the men's room to explode the second he walks in!
This is one of those rare spots where I change the channel the instant I recognise this commercial is starting.
I'll actually go out of my way to get this one shut down in time.
ANTIPERSPIRANT (ANY BRAND)
How come they almost always show the actors applying the product to their forearms, instead
of where it really belongs?
SMUGGLE FABRIC SOFTENER
That idiotic teddy bear shouldn't be able to walk, since his legs & arms terminate (end) in stubs, not feet
or paws. The creature also has a moderately irritating voice. It's too sickly sweet.
Where's the damn shotgun when you need one? Someone needs to poach this bear...hasta la vista baby!
THE SOBAKAWA PILLOW
They didn't have to show the actress's mouthful of rotting teeth to demonstrate a pillow.
At least doctor up the fluoroscope images they used, to hide her bountifully overflowing mouthful of fillings.
They can still show her vertabrae just fine.
MANY PRODUCTS/GENERALIZATIONS/OBSERVATIONS:
Camera techniques that suck: