THE ULTIMATE ANTI-HERO
Battles between various TV commercial & infomercial spokespeople, spokesanimals, spokethings, and the products themselves.
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ROUND TWENTY: THE QUAKER OATS GUY vs. THE KELLOG'S TALKING MINI-WHEAT
This battle shall take place on the floor of the Quaker Oats factory, and then later, move to a prison equipped with an electric chair. The factory floor is equipped with conveyor belts, huge steaming vats, a closet containing leather gloves, safety vests, hard hats, and other assorted foo-foo (items of that nature); and the employee's can contains a sink, an American Standard toliet with cistern and standard flushing mechanism, a Kohler K-4917-0 14-3/4" Vitreous wall-mounted porcelain uranator with a Sloan spud valve, a Lily toliet paper dispenser with Scott brand toliet paper in it, five packs of matches (on the floor), a soured mop in a dirty plastic pale, and a filthy roller towel.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Our embattled contestants begin by circling the drain...er...uh...I mean circling one another on the factory floor. Believe it or not, our Amish friend (the Quaker Oats guy) has homefield advantage here, but apparently does not realise it.
The Talking Mini-Wheat takes the offensive here, saying "One two three, you can dance, like you were, born in France", then goes right for one of the conveyor belts...he somehow manages to sucker the Quaker Oats guy into following him. Once they're both on the belt, the Mini-Wheat jumps off and makes a mad dash for the "START" button. The conveyor belt then begins to move -- but not fast enough it would seem! The Quaker Oats guy jumps off the belt and starts chasing the Mini-Wheat...down the hall...into the utility closet...out of the utility closet...back into the utility closet...he dons one of the safety vests and tries to pass himself off as a factory worker.
He finds a (conveniently-placed) shovel, and then tries to whack the Mini-Wheat with it as if it were a snake or other poisonous creature in a garden. But fortunately for our little whole grain friend with invisible arms, each whack of the shovel misses -- apparently the Amish don't believe in shovels because the Quaker Oats guy certainly can't wield one with any measure of precision.
The Mini-Wheat then tries to sneak down the hall and into the employee's john, but is followed by that damn Quaker Oats prick. The Mini-Wheat begins unrolling a bunch of TP with the intent of wrapping it around his nemesis and lighting it, but the Quaker Oats guy sees what's going on (Amish folks may be ignorant, but they ain't dumb!!!), uses his finger to flick the Mini-Wheat into the toliet, and handily flushes it away.
VICTORY, SWEET VICT...O WAIT!!! Somebody called the cops, and they showed up right as the Mini-Wheat was whirling down the shitbowl, so they cuff up our little Amish friend, haul his ass off to jail, then to court where he is quickly convicted of murder 1 and sentenced to the chair, then to a prison with a chair. The Amish don't believe in electricity, but the Quaker Oats guy got a taste of electricity when they put him in the effing chair!!!
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
(with a little help from our criminal justice system to do away with that Quaker Oats prick!)
ROUND TWENTY ONE: ("AUNTIE") AUDREY WATSON vs. MICK HASTINGS vs. JAN "PIT FACE" MULLER
This not-so-pugilistic death match shall take place on the set shared by The Original Iron Quick System™, Ingenio Fat-Free™ cookware, and Tilia Foodsaver Plus® vacume sealer infomercials. Auntie Audrey is the main "star" of The Original Iron-Quick System™ infomercial, Mick Hastings is the primary host of the Ingenio Fat-Free™ infomercial, and Jan Muller is the primary host of the Tilia Foodsaver Plus® vacume sealer infomercial (and former host of the short-lived Beer Machine® infomercial).
The shared set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. Also present are two pay telephones, a can of Raid® House & Garden "bugicide", a number of ironing boards, a number of irons (some equipped with Iron Quick™ soleplates; some not), a number of metal garbage cans, Ingenio Fat-Free® cookware in multiple sizes, a whole boatload of Tilia Foodsaver Plus® machines and lots of rolls of the pre-cut bags used by this appliance, a six-burner gas stove, several refrigerators, and various & sundry small kitchen electrics.
Folks, this is a definite first here tonight -- a three way match to the death!!!
Jan "Pit Face" Muller goes on the attack first...he goes after Mick Hastings with the Foodsaver Plus® and some bags, starts the asinine thing up (it emits a rather foul noise like a mortally-wounded fishtank pump), wraps some of the special bags around Mick's face, and...O NOOOOOOO!!! Mick gropes for and soon latches onto the handle of one of those Ingenio Fat-Free® pots, clocks Jan upside the head with it, and makes a mad dash for the Original Iron Quick System® set.
Seeing how that pit-faced asshole followed him in, Mick grabs an iron (not equipped with an Iron Quick System™ soleplate), and plants it firmly on Jan "Pit Face" Muller's cheek; leaving an iron-shaped burn mark that grows redder by the minute.
Auntie Audrey then gets a piece of the action...she grabs not one, but TWO of the irons (also without the protective soleplates), runs toward Mick and Jan, and sterilises them both by shoving the irons *HARD* into their nads!!! Ow, that's *GOTTA* hurt!!!
Both Jan and Mick spontaneously uranate; this not only "puts out" the burning fire between their legs, but makes them both reek rather strongly of piss!!!
Jan runs to the set of his infomercial, yanks open one of the fridges, and gets out some fungused, downright furry strawberries -- all while espousing on the benefits of his Tilia vacume sealer. He looks at the strawberries in disgust, and wastes no time in shitcanning them in one of the many metal garbage cans easily available here. He then runs back to the set of the Iron Quick System™ infomercial (nocking over several ironing boards in the process and causing Auntie Audrey to exclaim, "When you stand up the iron like THIS...The CHILDREN come by, they KNOCK the board Jan (***CRASH!!!***) and look! The iron FALLS to the floor, it SMASHES to pieces; FIFTY DOLLARS JAN, for a new iron!!!"), where he runs into Mick again.
Auntie Audrey sniffs and snuffles at the air; she hates the smell of piss, so she grabs that can of Raid®, hoses them both down with it, and causes them to spontaneously twitch, poo themselves, and become worm food. I guess Jan and Mick were really giant bugs in disguise -- Raid would not kill a real person quite so fast!!! :-O
Auntie Audrey wraps things up by picking up and disposing of all of those busted irons, rights the tipped over ironing boards, carefully places freshly-ironed bedsheets over the two bodies, and calmly leaves.
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY ONE: ("AUNTIE") AUDREY
ROUND TWENTY TWO: THE GEICO GECKO vs. THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUA
This battle shall take place in the kitchen of a Taco Bell restaraunt. The available weapons and defenses are: three open (lidless) deep fat fryers, a carving station outfitted with various sizes of unserrated knives, a number of ovens for heating taco shells, making burritos, etc., two large gas-fired griddles for making taco meat, a motorised marinal chamber, and six rather heavy cash registers. The restrooms are equipped with Kohler K-4917-0 14-3/4" Vitreous wall-mounted porcelain uranators with Sloan spud valves, white Kohler Cimarron toliets, an unknown brand of toliet paper dispenser with Scott brand toliet paper in it, a soured mop in a dirty plastic pale (in the men's room), a filthy roller towel (in the women's room), and a freestanding tampon vending machine (also in the women's room).
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua takes homefield advantage; he starts by saying "Yo quero Taco Bell" in that phoney balogna Mexican accent. He apparently thinks that doing this will somehow disorient the Geico Gecko, but our green lizard friend is not phased in the least.
The Geico Gecko then returns fire at the Chihuahua by saying (in that faggoty accent), "Save money? Hip hip cheerio!!! but the Chihuahua also remains unphased.
The Chihuahua is kinda pissed now, so he goes to the carving station, grabs a large knife, and starts wildly swinging it around! Each slash of the gleaming stainless steel blade misses the Gecko though, and the only notable damage are some light slash marks on the side of the walk-in cooler and some slightly deeper slash marks on the wooden door of the employee's dressing room.
The Gecko, also sort of pissed off, grabs a long-handled ladle, goes to one of the deep fat fryers, and scoops some hotter-than-H-E-Double-Bendy-Straws oil, sneaks up behind the Chihuahua, and starts to pour the burning liquid...but the dog's oversized ears alert him to the iminent threat and he runs off just in the knick of time! So the hot oil splatters harmlessly onto the floor where the dog once was.
This battle is going nowhere fast! :-O
The Chihuahua goes on the rampage, goes to the men's restroom, rips the uranator off the wall, and tries to use it like a "tent" to trap the Gecko so that it may be disposed of in some more conventional manner...
SUCCESS!!!
The Gecko is trapped under the uranator just as the Chihuahua had planned...but wait!!! The Gecko starts caterwauling in that phoney, faggoty British accent, causing the uranator first to crack, and then to become broken!!! :-O
Who knew that noise could be such a powerful thing? Certainly not the Chihuahua, that's for sure!!!
The Gecko skitters up the wall, darts across the ceiling, and down to the other end of the kitchen where that motorised marinator is...he empties a large bag of flies into it, thinking that shit would be attracted to them (it's actually the other way around, you stupid green dickhead!!!), but not surprisingly, nothing happens. The flies buzz out of the marinal chamber and make their way out the back door.
The Chihuahua is just livid -- he's totally fuming pissed now...he runs after our lizard friend, catches it, bites its head off, and throws the corpse into one of the ovens for creamation.
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY TWO: THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA
ROUND TWENTY THREE: JAY KORDICH vs. GEORGE FOREMAN
This battle shall take place on the set of one of Jay Kordich's Juiceman infomercials. The set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. Also present are a number of Juiceman machines, a very large wall clock with a sweep second hand, some Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machines (from George Foreman's private stock), and some "Knock Up the Fat" posters that Jay kyped from the set of one of George's infomercials. The restroom is equipped with an American Standard Neorest 500 Elongated One Piece Tankless Toliet with Integrated Washlet (a "Washlet" is a type of bidet).
George is much faster on his feet than that geriatric Jay Kordich, so he takes first blood tonight! He does what any washed-up ex-boxer might do: he ties a boxing glove onto one of his Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machines and hucks it at Jay.
Now Jay might be well-aged, but he's still got some spunk left in him...he rather handily dodges that goddamned flying grill, grinds up some celery sticks in a Juiceman, and hucks the resulting glass of juice (that "live food=life" horse puckey ain't gonna do him no good here!) at George.
Much as you probably expected, the glass of now-dead vegetable liquid shatters harmlessly against the wall behind and somewhat to the right of George. One glass of dead vegetable liquid -- wasted!!! :-O
George counters by saying "My Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine knocks up the fat!!!", quickly climbing a small stepladder and relieving the wall of that large clock, and (you guessed it) hucking it at Jay. The clock flies through the air like a 7 pound frisbee, just ticks Jay's head, nocks a couple of his Juicemans to the floor where they shatter into hundreds of sharp little bits, and becomes lodged into a soft foam wall that was part of the studio set for another one of his asinine Juiceman infomercials.
Jay then tries a different tactic: since he is so concerned about this "live food=life" bullshit, he goes into the restroom with an armload of freshly-picked vegetables, and dumps them into the toliet -- hoping that the sound of veggies splashing into water would attract George. Sure enough, it does -- and George brought one of his much-maligned Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machines just in case there was some meat in the bowl along with all of those goddamned dead veggies. After George plugs it in, Jay nocks it into the toliet, hoping that George would reach in and attempt to fish it out without first unplugging it...ZZZZZZAPPPPP!!!! Success!!!
George reaches into the water to fish out his precious grill (whilst at the same time harping about the damn grill lines), and gets electrocuted!!! :-O
Jay is exstatic{sp?}, and starts jumping around like a monkey on crack...but O NOOOOO!!! He slips in some toliet water that splashed out when George bit the big one, breaks his hip, and falls -- HARD -- onto the tile floor and splits his noggin open...shortly thereafter he becomes worm food too!!!
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY THREE: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
ROUND TWENTY FOUR: JOHN PARKINS vs. NANCY NELSON
This battle shall take place on the set of one of John Parkins' Rocket Chef infomercials. The set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. Also present are a lot of Rocket Chefs, and some Ginsu knives that somebody engaged in true asshaberdashery (asshattery) smuggled in. The restroom is equipped with an American Standard Neorest 500 Elongated One Piece Tankless Toliet with Integrated Washlet (a "Washlet" is a type of bidet).
For the benefit of those who may not know, John Parkins is that "needle freak" from the Rocket Chef infomercial, and Nancy Nelson is his partner in crime.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Nancy goes on the rag...er...uh...I mean...ON THE RAMPAGE first...she goes right for a boom microphone and runs like a jousting knight toward John. But John, being so hyper and quick, rather easily dodges the long metal rod, so Nancy simply ends up impaling one of those phoney foam "walls" with the boom mic.
John "Speed Freak" Parkins goes on the attack next...he starts grabbing Rocket Chefs and lobbing them at Nancy as though he were an automatic pitching machine...one Rocket Chef whizzes by Nancy's head every 100.72343 milliseconds (0.10072343 seconds) and smashes into hundreds of sharp little pieces on the wall and door behind her.
After John has launched 2,458,770 of the asinine things, Nancy says, "For heaven sakes" and "Look at that. Look at that!!!", and calmly walks over to where the Ginsu knives are stashed. O NOOOOOOO!!! This spells trouble for our drug abusing friend!!! :-O
John somehow senses that his life is in danger, and runs to get a large stepladder, He positions it under a cluster of those hot light bulbs, and (while shielding his hand with multiple layers of paper towelling) begins unscrewing them and chucking them at Nancy. Most of the bulbs miss their mark and simply implode on the floor with a loud "POW!!!" followed by the tinkling of busted glass, but a couple of them connect with their designated target. One of the bulbs lands in the crook of Nancy's elbow, causing her to drop the knives; the other one nails her right in the cocksucker, nocking out a few teeth and bloodying her lip as it implodes.
Not to be outdone by a fucking drug addict, she goes to set where Star Trek: The Next Generation is filmed, steals some felicium (a very strong narcotic drug from the episode "Symbiosis"), runs back to the Rocket Chef set, and crams 256ml of the very potent stuff down John's choaking throat. This causes John to OD. He twitches, his breathing becomes shallow, his heartbeat becomes irregular, and finally, he seizes, pees and pooes his pants, and becomes worm food.
Over the intercom, a female voice can be heard saying, "Mister Parkins, your drug urinator test came back. You've been abusing ammonium perchlorate, nitrogen trioxide, sodium pentaoxide, speedballs, coke, heroine, and weed. Shame on you!!!".
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY FOUR: NANCY NELSON
ROUND TWENTY FIVE: MEL ARTHUR vs. MARK ROSEN
This battle shall take place in a public laundry room. It is equipped with 10 washers, 10 dryers, a soap vending machine, a Rowe automatic bill changer, several ironing boards & irons, and a utility sink; a small restroom equipped with 1 washbasin, 1 American Standard tankless toliet, and several meters of handicapped railing is also available.
Mel Arthur hosts the infomercial for the Wonder Steamer, and Mark Rosen (who claims to be the president of Euro-Pro; also seems to be kind of a prick at times) hosts the infomercial for the Bagless Stick Shark vacuumn cleaner.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Mel Arthur takes first blood here by firing up one of his Wonder Steamers and trying to nail that dickhead Mark Rosen in the nads...damn, missed!!!
That prick Mark Rosen comes by with his handy-dandy Bagless Stick Shark, plugs it into a handy-dandy outlet, yells, "IT'S A SHARK ATTACK!!!, and gets right up next to Mel and starts sucking a pile of Coffee Mate and a second pile of machine screws off the floor with his vaccum...hmmm, he's not much of an aggressor, is he? :-/
Mel takes his Wonder Steamer and dashes it to the floor, saying, "If you break it, if the kids break it, if you have an earthquake and something falls and smashes it, just send it back with $6.95 and we'll send you a brand spanken new Wonder Steamer!!!" He then runs over to the bill changer, gets $10 worth of quarters, dumps them into a sock he stole out of somebody's wash basket, swings it over his head 'round and 'round, and clocks Mark right between the eyes!!! That hurts just thinking about it!!!
Mark fires up his studly little vacume again, yells, "IT'S A SANDSTORM!!!", and charges after Mel with it. But that's all he does -- he charges after Mel until the cord on his Bagless Stick Shark runs out and is yanked from the wall, neutralising the little vacum.
Mel then smacks Mark with the sock weapon several more times -- this time one of those hits gets Mark right in the cocksucker and takes out some teeth! Mark looks around in vain for a nearby outlet to plug his Stick Shark into, but is not successful. He sees an upright vaccum and a "dust devel"-type vaccuummnne on the other side of the room...awww nuts!!! There's no outlet for the upright and the batteries in the handheld have pooped out and nobody's bothered to recharge the asinine thing.
Mel takes another shot at Mark with his Wonder Steamer, but nothing much happens...he then spies a regular iron just a few feet away, pops some balloons with it, and plants it firmly on Mark's chest -- all while saying, "With an ordinary iron, you're putting the stove on the clothes!" The iron goes "Sssssssss!!!!" as it leaves an iron-shaped burn mark on Mark's shirt, and then causes Mark to cry out, "You bastard!!! Now I'll have to unleash the power of the Shark on you!!!"
Mark then exclaims "HUSOOS CRISTO!!!" and finally goes on the rag...er..uh..I mean...ON THE RAMPAGE!
He charges at Mel as Mel tries to duck into the bathroom to hide, but Mark catches the closing door with his foot. Mark finishes breaking in, using the metal handle of his vaccumme cleaner as a lever of sorts to finish prying the door open so that he can get in. He clobbers Mel over and over and over with the Stick Shark, finally splitting his skull open. Mark finishes Mel off by shoving his head into the toliet bowl, plugging in Mel's Wonder Steamer, and throwing it too into the toliet and then sucking his hair up with the vacum -- all while exclaiming "For Christ sakes Mel, if this steamer breaks I can just send it back for a new one?!?
And as most of us know, water and electricity seldom play well with one another.
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY FIVE: MARK ROSEN
ROUND TWENTY SIX: THE STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN vs. THE CHARMIN SHITTING BEARS
This battle shall take place on the floor of the Charmin toliet paper factory; and a bit later, move to the woods just adjacent to that factory. The factory is equipped with what you'd expect to find in a factory that makes toliet tissue: a number of conveyor belts in different speeds, vats of steaming wood pulp, large ovens for drying the wood pulp, machines that cut the perforations in the finished toliet rolls, and machines that put plastic wrapping over 2, 4, 6, 8, and 9 rolls at a time. There is also a large "test" bathroom equipped with 35 American Standard Neorest 500 Elongated One Piece Tankless Toliets with Integrated Washlet* (a "Washlet" is a type of bidet) and 70 rolls of Charmin Extra Strong with Butt Pillows.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
The Charmin Shitting Bears take first blood in this grudge match by simply going into the test bathroom and hurling many of the Charmin toliet rolls directly at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but since they're light in weight (they're rolls of toliet tissue for Christ sakes!!!), they simply bounce harmlessly off the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and roll away.
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man goes on the attack next...it tears bits off its body, wads those bitches up, put them in a drinking straw, puts the straw in his mouth, exhales sharply, and tries to fire them at the Charmin Shitting Bears...but since these wads are MARSHMALLOW for heaven sakes, they too are light in weight and simply bounce harmlessly off the Shitting Bears.
The Shitting Bears live up to their namesake, and really have to drop stools (pinch loaves, lay logs, make doo-doos, take dumps, take shits, etc.) so they defecate into their hands and throw the stinky piles of bear shit (some of the piles are colored reddish; others bluish, depending on which bear made them) directly at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!!!
The piles of ursine feces whiz by his head one after another...but one of them grazes the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's leg just above the ankle, forcing it to amputate the affected foot or forever be a stinker!!!
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is really pissed now, so it shits into a little plastic bag (he doesn't want to besmudge his hands with feces!), holds the bag by the bottom, and launches the sticky poo directly at the Shitting Bears...***SPLAT!!!*** Got the big red one!!! The Shitting Bear that got nailed by the Stay Puft poo starts to become swollen and distended, soon explodes, and becomes worm food!!! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man simply now needs to wipe out the blue one and he'll be victorius!!! Who knew that poo could be such a powerful thing?!?
The one remaining Charmin Shitting Bear (the blue one) tries to escape by running into the wooded area adjacent to the Charmin factory, but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man not-so-stealthily follows it. The Shitting Bear's only real weapon is its shit, so it once again pooes into its hand and starts throwing the stinky piles at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But they all miss; and the only thing that happens are that swarms of flies descend upon the little piles of shit.
In the background, you can hear part of the King of the Hill episode "Meet the Propaniacs" where Hank Hill tells Charlie Fortner, "The baby asked you for a diaper, mister pee-pee poo-poo pants!".
Guess some asshat that lives nearby has their boob tube turned up ***WAY*** too loudly!!! :-O
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, realising that its poo is rather powerful, again defecates into a plastic bread bag it found at the perimeter of the toliet paper factory, holds it by the bottom, and lets 'er rip...
The marshmallow poo whizzes through the air...the blue Charmin Shitting Bear says (in that stereotypical low, very slowed-down voice}, "Ooooooooo Noooooooooooooooo!!!!" followed by the sound of feces hitting animal fur!!!
Success again!!!
The Charmin Shitting Bear becomes swollen and distended, explodes, and becomes worm food!!!
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY FIVE: THE STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN
* The toliets are equipped with Washlets in the event that one or more of the the testers find the toliet paper ineffectual; they can wash their bunghole with the Washlet and then pull up their drawers with relative confidence that their asses are poop-free.
ROUND TWENTY SEVEN: JOE FOWLER vs. MICK HASTING
This battle shall take place on the set shared by the Metrinch infomercial and the PVA-10X infomercial. The set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. Also present are a number of Metrinch tool sets, a number of PVA-10X mops, some regular mops that have been allowed to rot, stink, & breed germs, and some (potentially rather messy) household liquids & semisolids (such as Pepsi, Hershey's Syrup, Heinz ketchup, etc.) Also available is a large swimming pool and a single restroom equipped with a rather standard wall-mounted porcelain uranator, a rather standard tankless toliet with turbo flush mechanism & a Church brand seat/lid assembly, a large Cormatic TP dispenser with single-ply toliet tissue in it, a dirtied green roller towel in a dented and obviously vandalised case, and a small metal wastepaperbasket.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Joe Fowler, the sweating speed freak from the Metrinch infomercial goes on the offensive first. He grabs a Metrinch tool set, opens it up, and takes out a rather ordinary looking wrench of some sort. He then yells, "You don't need those tiny, wasteful Allen wreches when you have Metrinch in your batting order!!!"
If this was supposed to phase Mick Hasting, the tactic failed rather miserably.
Mick Hasting (the host of the PVA-10X Mop infomercial) then grabs a PVA-10X mop and a bottle of Hershey's Syrup, and runs toward Joe. He squirts the brown semisolid at Joe, and then immediately starts swatting at him with the mop. Joe, being a methhead, easily dodges all of the swings of the "deadly" mop. Guess that tactic is no good either...you'd best think up another one before Joe does something totally bizarre.
Joe then goes for another set of Metrinch tools. This time, he leaves the case on the floor, scoops up a handfull of tools out of it, and starts chucking them at Mick -- all while exclaiming, "Metrinch is the last tool set you'll ever need!!!"
Mick uses the PVA-10X in his hands to deflect them all, and no damage was done.
Mick then goes for one of the rotting, stinking, bacteria-laden string mops, and lunges at Joe with it while Joe is fishing through that Metrinch case. ***SMACK!!! SQUISH!!!*** right in the cocksucker!!!
Joe then holds his nose and exclaims, "PIDDLE YOU!!! WHAT'S THAT HORRIBLE SMELL?!?"
Joe then dashes to the bathroom to douche off his face...the sink is busted, so he simply gives himself a "swirly" in the toliet...he flushes, does it again, flushes, does again, flushes...o he's finally done. He dries his face off with that filthy roller towel, yanks at it *HARD* until it rips free from the machine, and disposes of the yucky thing in the nearby wastepaperbasket.
Joe then dashes out of the restroom on the prowl for Mick, but Mick is there waiting for him with two more of those exceptionally soured string mops. He smacks Joe in the kisser over and over and over...***SPLUT!!! SQUISH!!! SQUASH!!! SPLUT!!!***
Joe just can't stand the horrible smell, pulls a gun out of his pants wasteband, cocks it, places the end of the barrel on his right temple, and quickly squeezes the trigger!!! BANG!!!
Joe Fowler rather quickly eats it (becomes worm food).
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY SEVEN: MICK HASTING
ROUND TWENTY EIGHT: JAKE (of "Body By Jake") vs. SUSAN POWDER
This battle shall take place on the set shared by the AB Rocker infomercial and the Give Me Five infomercial. The set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. The set is also equipped with several AB Rockers, and various cassette tapes and "Give Me Five" books.
Also present are a bunch of these: 
from Susan Powder's infomercial. Looks like a bunch of exclamation marks (or "exclamation points" as some people call those things) missing some dots...that "thing" is like a rotten potato: you know it's rotten and is gonna reek, but you sniff and snuffle at the goddamn thing for awhile anyway before finally shitcanning it.
The studio is also outfitted with a restroom equipped with a rather standard wall-mounted porcelain uranator, a rather standard tankless toliet with turbo flush mechanism & a Church brand seat/lid assembly, a large Cormatic TP dispenser with single-ply toliet tissue in it, a dirtied green roller towel in a dented and obviously vandalised case, a very foul smelling string mop in a dirty mop bucket (the water in the bucket is pretty much as disgusting as the mop itself!), and a small metal wastepaperbasket.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Jake (of "Body By Jake") doesn't appear to have a last name, but that doesn't stop the fartknocker from making the first move anyway. He finds some "downers" in a prescription bottle that somebody forgot, grabs a handful of them, and tries to cram them down Susan Powder's throat. She runs away, and then back, then away again like a rat in a cage; and the "downs" end up going all over the floor.
Susan goes on the attack next...she grabs a whole bunch of her audio tapes, quickly unspools them all onto the floor, and yells, "Hey Jake!!! Some assclown is stealing a couple of your AB Rockers!!!"
This causes Jake to run over to catch the thief, but his big 'ol size 11 boats get tangled up in the cassette tape, and he falls end over teakettle and "splatters" all over the floor just between the Give Me Five and AB Rocker stage material storage areas.
SUCCESS!!!
Or so the douchebag thinks.
Jake then gets up, pulls all of the tangled cassette tape from his feet & ankles, and makes a mad dash to the restroom. He smells that truly disgusting mop, removes it from the mop bucket, and throws it behind the toliet. He picks up the heavy bucket with that fucking yucky mop water in it, dashes out of the bathroom, down the hall, across the somewhat destroyed Original Iron Quick System™, Tilia Foodsaver Plus®, and Ingenio Fat Free™ cookware set, and onto the set that he and Susan share. He finds Susan snorting some yellowish-white powder off of a hard-sided notebook, says, "MAYBE THIS WILL HELP YOUR ABADABBERS!!!", and dumps the fucking yucky stinky mop water all over her. "PIDDLE YOU, THAT REALLY FUCKING REEKS!!!" Jake shouts in that fake New York accent as he runs away -- far, FAR, FAR away!!!
Susan, not to be outdone by some prick that sells an excersize machine, quickly hunts Jake down, strips off her soiled, very smelly blouse, and puts it over Jake's head. Jake once again shouts, "DAMN, THAT'S REALLY FUCKING STINKY!!!" in that fake New York accent. He then shouts, "THAT'S 100 TIMES WORSE THAN RIPE, STINKY ARMPITS FROM SOMEBODY WHO'S USED MY AB ROCKER FOR 30 DAYS WITHOUT A SHOWER!!!"
Jake is just fucking pissed now; he charges after Susan, does a quick "U-ie" to his part of the set and grabs one of his AB Rockers, catches Susan snorting some more whitish shit off a notebook, and just beats the living tweedle out of her with his AB Rocker. She becomes worm food fairly quickly.
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY EIGHT: JAKE (of "Body by Jake")
ROUND TWENTY NINE: LINDA EVANS vs. RON POPIEL
This battle shall take place on the set shared by the Rejuvenique infomercial (the one Linda Evans hosted) and the Showtime Rotisserie infomercial (the one Ron Popiel hosted). The set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. The set is also equipped with a number of Rejuvenique devices (a hockey mask-looking product with 24 evil-looking electrodes), a number of Showtime Rotisseries, some spare lamps for the Showtime, several cans of Spray-On-Hair, and several pay telephones in various states of repair. Also present for reasons yet unknown are several Massengill brand post-menstrual disposable douches, several packages of Vivarin brand caffeine teepz, a bottle of Anacin, and a bottle of Toliet Duck brand bowl cleaner.
The studio is also outfitted with a restroom equipped with a rather standard wall-mounted porcelain uranator, a rather standard tankless toliet with turbo flush mechanism & a Church brand seat/lid assembly, a large Scott TP dispenser with single-ply toliet tissue in it, and a small metal wastepaperbasket.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Linda Evans of the Rejuvenique infomercial gets off to a running start here. She runs right over to the payphones, rips the handset (receiver) out of one, runs back onto the set, and attempts to clobber Ron Popeil with it. But the telephone is a POS, and just crumbles in her hands after several poorly-placed hits.
Ron Popiel counters by grasping for and soon latching onto one of the cans of Spray-On-Hair. He aims the nozzle at Linda, and directs a stream of the black, somewhat smelly substance right into Linda's "kitty" (not CAT). She runs to Storage Area "C" and grabs a Massengill brand post-menstrual disposable douche, locks herself in the restroom for several moments, and emerges -- smelling fresh as the proverbial flower.
Linda now goes on the rag...er...uh...I mean...ON THE WARPATH!!! She charges at Ron going full-steam ahead, nocks him over, and shoves a Rejuvenique mask hard into his nads...she then quickly swaps out the 9 volt transistor radio battery in it for a 90 volt radio "B" battery, turns the asinine thing to maximum candiosity...er...intensity, and runs like H-E-Double-Bendy-Straws. Ron is rather quickly sterilised, but rips the thing away, thinks for a second, grabs it again and goes after Linda.
Ron is just fucking pissed -- I mean he's livid -- white hot with rage!!! He quickly catches up with Linda, straps the asinine Rejunique thing to her face, and turns the fucker on. But she rips it off her face, dashes it to the ground, and rather quickly stomps on it -- neutralising the threat for good.
Linda then lures Ron into the restroom, jams his mouth open with the plunger, and empties the entire bottle of Toliet Duck in there...seeing that Toliet Duck is quite corrosive to human tissue, Ron quite quickly seizes, shits & pisses his pants, and becomes worm food.
THE WINNER ROUND TWENTY NINE: LINDA EVANS (of the Rejuvenique infomercial)
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