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The Ultimate Anti-Hero
THE ULTIMATE ANTI-HERO
Battles between various TV commercial & infomercial spokespeople, spokesanimals, spokethings, and the products themselves.
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ROUND THIRTY: THOSE GODDAMN QUEER KEEBLER'S ELVES vs. THAT GODDAMN QUEER HONEY NUT CHEERIOS® BEE
This battle shall take place inside a hollow, rotted-out tree. The surprisingly generous space is outfitted with conveyor belts of various sizes and speeds, two rather potent gas-fired ovens, vats of *HOT* (~350°F {~176.67°C}) melted candy compounds, a box forming machine, several Class ABC fire extinguishers, and one Class D fire extinguisher (for extinguishing flammable metals like sodium and magnesium).
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves have the homefield advantage, and fully intend to take full advantage of it by attacking first. They start by luring that goddamn queer Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee onto one of the moving, motorised bee-destroying satanic conveyor belts of doom -- the one leading to an oven to be specific. The Bee does light on the belt, but finding no flowers or Honey Nut Cheerios® on it, that stupid Bee flies away well before it is in any danger.
That goddamn queer Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee flies out of the tree, and returns a moment later with a box of Honey Nut Cheerios®, an 8oz "baby" carton of milk, a plastic bowl, and a spork it kyped out of somebody's campsite. It dumps some of the cereal into the bowl, pours in some milk, shoves the spork into it, and offers it to those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves.
The elves sniff & snuffle at the damn thing for a minute, realise that it may be poisoned, then viciously throw it back at that goddamn queer Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee.
This pisses the bee off, so it buzzes around the inside of the rotting tree until it finds an Erlenmeyer flask full of sodium metal (what those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves are doing with a bottle of metallic sodium may never be known!!!), flies off with it, and drops it into one of the very hot vats of candy compound. The flask hits the inner rim of the flask, shattering it and allowing the sodium metal to come into direct contact with the hot molten candy. That goddamn queer Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee flies away and returns a moment later with a large glass of di-hydrogen oxide (water), which he pours over the sodium. And if you didn't learn this in Jr. High or High School chemistry, the sodium erupts rather violently into flame as soon as the water touches it!!!
Those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves grab the Class "D" fire extinguisher, rather handily put out the burning metal (the elves may be small, but they ain't dumb!!!), and dispose of the contents of that candy vat -- candy and all.
That goddamn queer Honey Nut Cheerios® bee lures those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves to another -- even hotter -- vat of molten candy compound, and uses a box that the box forming machine produced to push the Elves into the vat. They let out a few little sqeaky noises, and become worm food. But wait, that stupid bee loses its footing on the little spigot above the vat, falls in, and becomes worm food as well!!!
That bee didn't even get to sting any of the elves...O WAIT!!! That bee is a drone (male), so it does not have a stinger -- those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves were in no danger of being stung (and subsequently envenomated) by the bee!!!
Cheerios®THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
ROUND THIRTY ONE: THE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH PRICKS...er...uh...CHEFS vs. THAT GODDAMN QUEER HONEY NUT CHEERIOS® BEE
This battle royale shall take place on a suburban street located between the Honey Nut Cheerios® factory and the Cinnamon Toast Crunch factory.
The street is equipped with what you'd expect to find on a street in the 'burbs: Six light standards with 400-watt HPS (high pressure sodium) light bulbs in them, a number of oak and elm trees, a tar machine (because city workers are repairing a street), and...
O WAIT!!! SHEEEEETTTT!!! YOU MEAN THIS BATTLE IS FINISHED BEFORE WE EVEN GOT TO CALL THE PLAY-BY-PLAY ON IT?!?
Man, what a fucking gyp!!!
Here, let's allow this newspaper to do the rest of the talking here:
Apparently, the "disgruntled breakfast eater" in this case were the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pricks...er...I mean...CHEFS.
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY ONE: THE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH PRICKS...er...uh...CHEFS
(Yeah, they're just a bunch of pricks!!!)
ROUND THIRTY TWO: JUDITH LIGHT (from the ProActiv infomercial) vs. RON POPIEL
This battle shall take place on the set shared by the ProActiv Solution (zit medication) infomercial and the Pocket Fisherman infomercial. The set is equipped with what you'd expect to see on the set of a TV infomercial: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, and hundreds of folding chairs. Also present are a number of boxes of Proactiv Solution, twelve dozen Ronco Pocket Fisherman units, and a single restroom equipped with a rather standard wall-mounted porcelain uranator, a rather standard tankless toliet with turbo flush mechanism & a Church brand seat/lid assembly, a large Scott TP dispenser with single-ply toliet tissue in it, a dirtied green roller towel in a dented and obviously vandalised case, and a small metal wastepaperbasket.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
This round begins with Judith Light hollering at Ron Popiel, "Join us now for a television program you may never forget!" as if her discordant voice was going to phase him...GUESS AGAIN JUDY!!!
Ron counters by getting one of his Pocket Fisherman sets, going into the bathroom, hooking some toliet paper with it, dunking it in the (unflushed) uranator, and then coming back out, casting, and hitting Judith right in the cocksucker with the urine-soaked toliet wad on the end of his Pocket Fisherman's line. She kinda retches, pukes in her mouth a bit, and then runs to the nearby drinking fountain to douche out her "potty mouth".
Judith then runs to the bathroom, rips the toliet seat right off the bowl, runs back out to the set, and "rings" Ron with it -- so now Ron has a toliet seat "necklace".
What that was suppose to do to incapacitate him, I don't know.
Ron grabs an aluminum ladder he found in the utility closet a few hours ago, places it against a wall, climbs it, and starts unscrewing those hot light bulbs. He starts throwing them at Judith. But they all miss their mark, and implode on the floor with a loud "POW!!!" followed by the distinctive tinking of busted glass about seven feet short of their intended target.
Judith runs forward (toward Ron), slips in the busted glass, and suffers numerous cuts -- some of them quite deep and squirting bright red blood several feet! She then crawls over to where her Proactiv Solution zit medication is, tears open a few boxes, and uses the little cloths inside to try and stem the bleeding before she starts to whirl down the shitbowl...but O NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! SHE'S TOO LATE!!!!!!!
She collapes relatively slowly in a growing puddle of blood and broken bulbs, and from that point, surprisingly quickly eats it (becomes worm food)!!!
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY TWO: RON POPIEL
ROUND THIRTY THREE: THE PISS BUGGY*...er...STEAM BUGGY vs. THE HAMBURGHER HELPER HAND
This epic battle shall take place in a household kitchen. The kitchen is equipped with a double-bowl sink & garbage disposal, refrigerator, range, and numerous small TV infomercial appliances. The kitchen has a moderate infestation of ants, cockroaches, and rats. Also within proximity to both embattled contestants is a bathroom equipped with a rather standard lavatory & vanity, a mirrored medicine cabinet, a rather filthy American Standard Neorest 500 Elongated One Piece Tankless Toliet with Integrated Washlet (a "Washlet" is a type of bidet), a roll of Northern Ultra-Soft bath tissue in a holder mounted onto the side of the vanity to the right of the water closet, and an unknown-type bathtub with a Moen shower head.
The Stink Buggy ge...O WAIT!!! The Piss Bugg...er...uh...I mean...STEAM BUGGY gets off to a rip-roarin start here. It puts on one of its squeegee attachments, and goes on the prowl for that disembodied, pussywhipped, pale, dead-looking hand with a round nose so red you'd think it had a coke habit and was an alcoholic too.
It finds the Hand, and tries in vain to squeegee it out of existance. No good there, so the Steam Buggy goes into the bathroom to think up another tactic.
The Hand goes under the sink and finds a bottle of Whink, a highly corrosive (hydrofluoric acid) rust remover. It brings the bottle to the bathroom, unscrews the lid, directs the bottle's nozzle toward the hapless Steam Buggy, and gives it a healthy squeeze with three of its fingers and the thumb...But hold on here, nothing's coming out!!!
The Steam Buggy then puts on its concentrator nozzle and starts to clean that filthy toliet...this brownish-yellow gunk is shooting out of the space between the seat and the tank, so it traps some of it in some toliet paper. It then drags its asinine self by its own hose toward the Hand, and rubs that pissy toliet paper wad in its face!!! "YUCKY PEE!!!!!!!" the Hand shouts, as it gags, retches, and soon pulls itself away from the dirty toliet wad and the Steam Buggy. It quickly does a "U'ie", heads for the bathtub, and quickly douches itself off under the Moen shower. It then somehow manages to slip by the Steam Buggy and heads back toward the kitchen.
The Hand sees some Raid® House & Garden "bugicide" in an aerosol bomb, grabs that, and defiantly heads out into the hallway to confront the Steam Buggy. The Hand then directs the Raid® right at the Steam Buggy, and discharges the entire can. Nothing happened...well of course nothing happened you stupid pussywhipped piece of shit Hand!!! The Steam Buggy is made of plastic!!!
The Steam Buggy is just fucking pissed now, so it lunges at the Hand, wraps its hose around it and constricts its hose like a snake, squeezing the life out of the Hand.
The Hand suffers from involuntary uranation as it becomes worm food, so the Steam Buggy cleans up the "yucky pee" by putting a cloth thing on the end of its hose and mopping up the piss. The Steam Buggy then disposes of the urine-soaked rag in the kitchen dustbin (wastepaperbasket), so nobody but you will ever know of the furious struggle that took place in this house today.
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY THREE: THE PISS BUGGY
* I call it "The Stink Buggy" and "The Piss Buggy" on another one of my websites for two primary reasons.
1: The unit will cause old urine to stink very strongly when used to clean a water closet.
2: The unit itself is piss-yellow in color.
ROUND THIRTY FOUR: THAT GODDAMN QUEER HONEY NUT CHEERIOS® BEE vs. THOSE GODDAMN QUEER RICE CRISPIES ELVES
This battle shall take place in the factory that makes Rice Crispies cereal; this factory is right next door to the one that makes Suave shampoo (or in some cases, "shampiddle"). The factory floor is equipped with what you'd expect to see in a cereal factory: conveyor belts, huge steaming vats, a box-forming machine, a closet containing leather gloves, safety vests, hard hats, and other assorted foo-foo (items of that nature); and the employee's can contains a sink, an American Standard toliet with cistern and standard flushing mechanism, a Kohler K-4917-0 14-3/4" Vitreous wall-mounted porcelain uranator with a Sloan spud valve, a Lily toliet paper dispenser with Scott brand toliet paper in it, a soured mop in a rusty metal mop bucket, and a filthy roller towel.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
That goddamn queer Honey Nut bee takes the first initiative here because it can fly. It makes a beeline (pun not intended) for an open factory window and flies directly into the nearby shampiddle factory. It then grabs a bottle of Suave Naturals shampoo, flies back to the Cheerios® factory the same way it got out, hunts down those goddamn queer Rice Crispies elves, and thinks for a second...it flips the top of the bottle and squirts a thick stream of the toxic, smelly shampiddle directly at the elves, but DAMN!!! IT MISSES!!! The shampoo just forms a harmless puddle in the corner and slowly runs down the floor drain that just so happened to be there.
The Rice Crispies elves go to the utility closet...they look around, and look around some more, and loo...HEY THEY FOUND SOMETHING THAT'S JUST UBER COOL!!! It's one of those polygrip test machines!!! They call the Honey Nut Cheerios® bee over, tie it to a chair, strap that thingie across its chest, and stick those electrodes on its head. They then ask the Bee a few control questions, such as its name, who the president is, what day of the week it is, etc. However, without the Bee's knowledge, they connected that chest thingie and some of those electrodes to the 7.20KV transformer that supplies power to the conveyor belts, and ask the Bee some questions re: the secret formula for Honey Nut Cheerios®. Naturally, the Bee lies -- when it does, the polygrip test machine sends 7,200 volts of electricity through that chest strap and a couple of those head electrodes!!!
The Bee then rapidly becomes worm food -- if you consider a small pile of stinky grey ashes as "food" for any critter!!!
Boy, this battle came to a rather abrupt (and somewhat smelly) end hardly before it even started!!! :-O
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY FOUR: THOSE GODDAMN QUEER RICE CRISPIES ELVES
ROUND THIRTY FIVE: THE LIQUID PLUMBR FOAMING PIPE SNAKE "DESTRUCTION CREW" vs. THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES TOLIET CLEANER "BUBBLES"
This battle shall take place in the bathroom of a woman with a clogged lavatory (bathroom sink). The bathroom is equipped with the kinds of things normally found in a bathroom. Don't expect this battle to be long & protracted like many of the others, because the "bubbles" in both products have already-short lifespans.
The Scrubbing Bubbles bubbles go on the rag fir...er...uh...I mean, GO ON THE ATTACK first because they got sprayed out of the can first. They jump out of the toliet and fly toward the lavatory, screaming "Wheeeeee!!!" in unison as they do. They find the Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake "destruction crew" going down the lavatory drain, so they open the medicine cabinet, find a mostly-full bottle of Nasonex, and spray it toward the "destruction crew" -- but much to their chagrin, nothing happens except for the foam getting a bit pissed off (though you've got to admit that being "pissed off" is better than being "pissed on", hahaha!!!).
The Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake "destruction crew" pulls a "U'ie" before they get to the pee trap in the lavatory, and they explode out of the dirty water in the little sink in a torrent of toxic foam and suds and go after our cute-as-a-bug Scrubbing Bubbles bubbles. The bubbles try to escape by flying back into the toliet bowl, but the Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake "destruction crew" follows them all the way to the cistern (tank), and try to literally make them whirl down the shitbowl by simply flushing them away...but as soon as they touch the flush lever, it dissolves into a bit of grey goop!!!
The Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake "destruction crew" never realised that they were *THAT* corrosive...but they are intended to clean out drains, so it's only logical that they really *ARE* that corrosive!!!
But OOOOOOO NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! The Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake "destruction crew" is beginning to lose structural integrity due to the prolonged exposure to the atmosphere, causing them to desiccate (dry out) and subsequently begin popping!!! They make one last-ditch effort...they form a "bubble chain" to the bathroom floor, strategically eat through it (just by virtue of touching it!) into the shape of a toliet bowl, which attracts the Scrubbing Bubbles "bubbles" to it like flies to a pile of shit. Once the "bubbles" get stuck in the eaten-away flooring, the Liquid Plumbr Foaming Pipe Snake "destruction crew" jumps on top of them, snuffing them all out surprisingly quickly!!!
They then form the "bubble chain" again, make their way to the (still-clogged) lavatory, and swim down the drain where they start chipping at the clog with pick axes, sledgehammers, and other tools just like they do on TV.
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY FIVE: THE LIQUID PLUMBR FOAMING PIPE SNAKE "DESTRUCTION CREW"
ROUND THIRTY SIX: COKE vs.PEPSI
This battle shall take place in the refrigerator ("reefer") of a standard middle-class suburban household. The refrigerator is stocked with the types of items normally found in household refrigerators: a half-rack (12-pack) each of Coke and Pepsi, a half gallon plastic jug of homo milk, butter, eggs, lettuce, tomatoes, three cans of Ensure, six bottles of Dasani water, a jar of mayonnaise, a smaller jar of Miracle Whip, jellies & jams (the mayo, Miracle Whip, and the jellies & jams have all been opened), an unopened bottle of A-1 steak sauce, a box of leftover "take out" pizza that's been approximately 60% eaten, and two plastic containers of leftover rice dated three months in the past and obviously fungused.
Magnetically stuck to the outside of the refrigerator door is a small piece of paper with the telephone number for the local pest control company written on it, and two bottle openers with magnet backs.
Don't expect this battle to be long & protracted like many of the others, because both products will go flat relatively quickly (have already-short lifespans).
Pepsi goes on the assault first, by jumping out of its half-rack and going right for the eggs. It grabs some of them and starts lobbing those fuckers like tennis balls at the Coke. They all miss the Coke, smack into the back wall of the fridge and run down underneath the crisper drawer in a gooey mess of albumin, yolks, and shell fragments. That's gonna reek of something awful in a few days, tell you what!!!
Coke returns the favour by popping the tab on one of the cans of Ensure and hurling the sticky, cream-colored liquid at the Pepsi, but it too misses, and only manages to create a yucky puddle of goo on the upper surface of the crisper drawer.
Pepsi gets thoroughly uranated (pissed) now, grabs the bottle of A-1 out of the door shelf, and proceeds to beat the living tweedle out of Coke with it. Pepsi beats Coke with the steak sauce until the bottle breaks; the only significant result being the sullying of the right-side inner wall of the reefer with the gooey brown sauce.
Coke then shakes itself off, and goes right for that three month old rice...it pops the lid off of one of the containers, shouts "PISS YOU THAT REALLY FUCKING REEKS!!!, and chases down Pepsi with the fungused rice. It corners Pepsi behind the butter, and dumps the stinky, slimey rice all over it.
Pepsi kind of curls up into a semifetal position, pukes in its mouth a bit, then shakes itself off and goes for the Dasani bottled water. It uncaps one of the bottles, pours the water all over itself in effort to douche itself off, and then charges to the edge of the door!!! It somehow manages to get the door open, grabs a bottle opener, and goes on the hunt: It can't find Coke anywhere...I wonder where it could possibly be...O SHIT!!! Coke lunges at Pepsi with the other bottle opener, and proceeds to open a neat, triangular hole in the bottom of the can as though it were "shotgunning" it, causing the life to rapidly drain out of Pepsi. But hold on here...remember that Pepsi still has the deadly bottle opener it got before Coke showed up...Pepsi, in its dying breath, does the exact same thing to Coke -- that is, cuts a triangular hole in the bottom of its can, emptying the life force out of Coke too!!!
Both Coke and Pepsi bite the big one...the refrigerator's owner comes home, silently wonders what could have caused such a mess in his fridge, stomps on the Pepsi and Coke cans, nonchalantly drops them into the recycling bag, cleans out the fridge, and goes about his business.
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY SIX: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
ROUND THIRTY SEVEN: THE HAMMS BEAR vs.THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
This battle shall take place in the woods outside a suburban home, then rather quickly move into the kitchen of that home. The kitchen is equipped with a fridge, a four-burner electric stove with oven, a microwave, a double-bowl sink equipped with an In-Sink-Erator food waste disposer located in the right-hand bowl, and numerous small kitchen electrics and TV infomercial products. The home has a moderate infestation of cockroaches, and a light infestation of silverfish, carpenter ants, and rats.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything shown here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
As this battle starts in the woods, the Hamms Bear takes homefield advantage here. He immediately pooes in his hand, and charges at the Pillsbury Doughboy with the pile of steaming, stinky bear caca -- shouting, "DOES A BEAR REALLY SHIT IN THE WOODS?" as he approaches the doughboy. But that stupid Bear doesn't see the log directly in front of him, and falls -- rolling end-over-teakettle a number of times before coming to a stop near the mailbox of that suburban home.
The Pillsbury Doughboy pokes himself in his belly, causing him to laugh in that faggoty manner, then enters the home through the open kitchen window. He goes right for the Thunder Stick Pro located next to the stove, plugs it in, and waits...and waits...and waits some more...damn this is getting old in a hurry!!!
The doorbell rings. The Doughboy dutifully answers it, and there, standing on the porch, madder than a piss ant, and holding a small amount of stinky poo in his hand is the Hamms Bear!!! The Doughboy makes a run for the kitchen, as the rather pissed off Hamms Bear follows in close pursuit. The Doughboy grabs the Thunder Stick and turns it on -- somehow hoping that the annoying buzzing noise emitted by the appliance will scare off the Bear...but no dice!!! The Bear fishes through the garbage drawer (ADMIT IT!!! Every kitchen has one!) for something sharp. He finds a pair of scissors and cuts the Thunder Stick's cord with them, permanently neutralising the annoyance.
The Doughboy then checks under the sink for something poisonous. He finds a half-used bottle of Clorox® Clean-Up, and forcefully sprays it at the Hamms Bear -- who is at this moment preheating the oven to +525°F (+273.88°C) for an as-of-yet unknown reason. The Clorox® does little more than get the Bear even more uranated (pissed) than he was before. So the Bear craps in his hand again and runs after the Doughboy with the poo. The Bear starts flinging these little piles of shit toward the Doughboy but they keep missing...kinda makes one wonder if the Hamms Bear is really a monkey (known for throwing their own feces) in disguise who's also had one too many Hamms beers and would therefore flunk a field sobriety test rather miserably. The living room, dining room, and short hallway walls are now peppered with bear shit; whilst the Pillsbury Doughboy once again pokes himself in the tummy and emits that goddamn faggoty laugh.
The Hamms Bear has finally had it up to here (holds hand horizontally well above the top of head) with that stupid-ass laugh, so he calls the Doughboy using a falsetto voice. The Doughboy, not realising the voice is actually that of the Bear, enters the kitchen without hesitation, the Bear flips the oven door open, kicks the Doughboy in, and slams the oven door shut, permanently neutralising the "threat" (e.g. causing the Pillsbury Doughboy to become worm food - or ashes if you prefer).
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY SEVEN: THE HAMMS BEAR
ROUND THIRTY EIGHT: THE PEPPRIDGE FARMS GOLDFISH "FINN" vs. ARIAL THE LITTLE MERMAID
This battle shall take place in Bikini Bottom, home to SpongeBob SquarePants and his fellow citizens such as Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks, Mrs. Puff, Sheldon Plankton, Eugene Krabs, etc. Also present (and available to both contestants) are SpongeBob's pineapple and all of its contents, the Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket restaraunts and all of their contents, and the "Fiery Fist 'O Pain" roller coaster.
Finn swims up to the nearest air pocket, and quickly covers himself in Varathane so that he doesn't get soggy in the water -- he's a fucking cracker for Christ sakes!!!
Finn then surprisingly rapidly swims to the Chum Bucket, grabs a Chum Bucket "Bucket Helmut", finds Arial in the parking lot, and slams the Bucket Helmut viciously onto her head!
Finn then says "I COMMAND YOU TO FLUSH YOURSELF DOWN THE TOLIET!!!", using a loud bellowing voice like Plankton might use.
Arial looks like she's going to comply!!! This is too easy!!!
She swims into the Krusty Krab, heads to the kitchen, and trips over a case of Krabby Patties that SpongeBob had just taken out of the freezer. She falls headfirst, cracking the Bucket Helmut and causing it to fall off her head!
Arial shakes the cobwebs out of her head, then grabs a "spachuler" (as Mr. Krabs often says), swims out of the Krusty Krab, and finds Finn. She starts swatting at him with the spatula, but for some reason, every swing misses!!! O NOOOOOOO!!! Arial grabbed a "Le Spatula" by mistake, and it bends its neck with every swing -- this is what causes Arial to keep missing!!! "Le Spatula" speaks with a phony-balogna French accent and says, "All Peppridge Farms products are cheap chow; I will have no part of zis!"
Finn takes advantage of Arial's momentary distraction, swims into the Krusty Krab, and goes to the kitchen to wait...he waits...and waits some more...and...here comes Arial, madder than a piss ant, and holding up a seriously menstruated pair of women's panties. Steve backs away in terror of the dirty underwear, then...O WAIT!!! WRONG BATTLE!!!...I mean, Finn starts throwing frozen Krabby Patties at Arial; hucking them like frisbees but only much harder.
Whiz!!! *TING* Whiz!!! *TING* go the Krabby Patties to the left and to the right of Arial's head...that damn "Le Spatula" she still has is deflecting the patties (with that "*TING*" sound) before they can do any damage!!!
Arial is getting thoroughly uranated (pissed off) now...she viciously slams the "Le Spatula" into a nearby dustbin (garbage can) and goes for a normal spatula. She starts wildly swinging away...*TING* *TING* *CRACK* goes the spatula as it connects with Finn every time...that last hit cracks the Varathane shell protecting the goldfish-shaped cracker from the seawater...Finn becomes soggy, swells up, explodes, and becomes jellyfish food (he eats it!)
To bring finality to the situation, Arial asks SpongeBob to make a Krabby Patty sans the patty, gathers up what she can of Finn's corpse, mixes it with Krabby Patty meat, fries it up, puts it on the rest of the Krabby Patty that SpongeBob had made earlier, gives it to Squidward through the kitchen window (as SpongeBob usually does), and the next customer is none other than Mrs. Puff herself. She asks for a Krabby Patty, gets handed the Finn/Krabby Patty hybrid, and sits down at a table. She takes one bite of the mutated Krabby Patty, retches, ralfs in her mouth a bit, and shouts out, "THIS ISN'T FUCKING YUCKY, THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!!" She then makes a mad dash for the woman's room, spits the mouthful of food into the water closet, throws the rest of the food into the bowl too, and flushes the whole mess away!!!
J.R. from Arizona, told ya that Finn would end up going down the shitbowl when all was said & done!!! 
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY EIGHT: ARIAL THE LITTLE MERMAID
ROUND THIRTY NINE: FLO "HO" FROM PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE vs. THE GEICO GECKO
This battle shall take place on the set of the Progressive Auto Insurance commercial. The set is equipped with the types of things you'd expect to see in a TV commercial: there are boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, a utility closet with numerous cans of white paint, and assorted & sundry stage props appropriate for a Progressive Insurance ad. Also present is that roller skating disco prick with the ghetto blaster on his shoulder.
Flo from the Progressive ad takes first blood here, by saying how much the Gecko would save by switching to Progressive; but her little "remote" for the price board does not work because the Gecko does not drive. Incensed, she lobs it at the Gecko, who easily sidesteps the flying piece of plastic. It clatters to the floor approximately ten feet behind the Gecko, unloading its cargo of two AAA cells (or "batteries" if you prefer) as it strikes the floor.
The Geico Gecko counters by saying "15 minutes could save you 15 percent" in that faggoty British accent, as if it were going to phase Flo. Of course, not much of anything happens here.
Flo then goes to the nearby utility closet for the Eureka upright vacuum cleaner that's stored there, plugs it in, and steps on that little black petal; causing the machine to roar to life -- expelling a rather large cloud of noxious dust from the bag that nobody's bothered to change in months. She then charges toward the Gecko, hoping to suck the little asshole up the vacuum (where its body can then be relatively easily disposed of). "RRRRrrrrRRRRRRRR!!!!" goes the vacuum, as Flo gets closer and closer to the Gecko. "RRRRRrrrRRR*PTHUMP!!!* rrrrr" goes the cleaner, as the Gecko is sucked up in its deadly maw!!! Flo thinks she's won!!!
BUT WAIT!!!
The Gecko chews through the hugely overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag right near its bottom (it's a paper bag for God sakes!!!), skitters across the floor, and says, "Flo, you're a douche!!! You're a douche!!!" (again in that faggoty accent!), and climbs the wall right near that disco prick.
The Gecko then makes his way to the racks where all of the stage lighting is, starts unscrewing those hot "lite" "belbs", spies Flo "hiding" behind one of the cameras, and lobs them at her.
*Whiz!* *POW!!!*, *Whiz!* *POW!!!*, *Whiz!* *POW!!!*
Every bulb the Gecko throws hits its mark -- Flo's face of course!!! That cunt is getting bloodied up pretty good by our little lizard friend!!! Flo then rummages through a nearby desk for some nasal tissue to stem the rather large tide of bright red blood, but she's a little late on the draw. She whirls down the shitbowl in a crumpled heap of blood and broken bulbs.
THE WINNER ROUND THIRTY NINE: THE GEICO GECKO
For more about these pussywhipped pieces of shit motherfucking things called "ads", please visit Commercials I Hate.