THE ULTIMATE ANTI-HERO
Battles between various TV commercial spokespeople, spokesanimals, and spokethings.
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First match: Jamie Curtis vs. Jason Alaxender.
Jamie shoves Voicestream cellular telephones up Jason's butt, while Jason puts a bucket of fungused KFC wings in a pillowcase and clocks her with it. Jamie comes back with her "You never pay for long distance" paperwork, and Jason retaliates by cramming Jamie into the CollectraMatic* and slamming down the lid - but not before Jamie calls Jason's embedded butt phones. She calls collect, completing the last one just as the lid slams down and the cooking cycle is initiated. That's the end of Jamie. Jason ends up with a perforated bowel because of all the cellphones, gets a shit infection, and dies.
*The CollectraMatic is the round, pressurised speed cooker used by KFC for some variations of their chicken.
Second match:The Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee vs. the "Kia Desert Screamer".
The Honey Nut Bee goes in first with a series of venomous stings to the mouth and throat of Desert Screamer, concentrating his attack on Screamer's voicebox. Screamer rips the mirror off his Kia and starts wildly flailing about in a vain attempt to knock the Cheerios® bee to the ground. Failing that, he pops the trunk and goes for the tire iron. The Cheerios® bee circles around his prey, deftly avoiding the aimless swings of the tire iron. He delivers another series of painful & debilitating stings to Screamer's hands and feet. Screamer climbs back in his Kia and rips the Christmas tree air freshener off the mirror and affixes it to a piece of trim torn off the dash to fashion a crude flyswatter. Being allergic to bee venom, Screamer begins to go into anaphylactic shock, but not before connecting his swatter to the bee with his final swing. The bee then crawls over to the collapsing Screamer, and deposits his stinger & venom sac directly into Screamer's chest cavity. Then they both die.
Final match: The Bally's leather whore vs. the Wall-Mart Smiley.
This one takes place within the aisles of a large Wall-Mart. The Smiley takes the first offensive, flying to yard supplies and grabbing the lid off a bright red Weber barbecue and smacking Bally's Whore in the cocksucker with it, knocking out some teeth. Bally's Whore stumbles off to sporting goods and goes right for the tennis rackets. Grabbing a graphite shaft racket, she swings wildly at Smiley with it, knocking over a tampon display and a table full of light bulbs. Tampons and broken bulbs are everywhere. She just barely ticks the Smiley with her last swing, sending him careening into a shelf full of "Happy Butt" disposable enemas. Bally's Whore then runs off to the plumbing department, where she rips the tank off a display toliet and tries to trap Smiley inside. Success!! But just as she's starting to duct-tape the toliet tank together for disposal, Smiley whips out one of the enemas and chips at the flusher hole with the bottle's safety cap until the tank breaks, and he escapes!!
Smiley quickly flies to the garden department and grabs a can of hornet and wasp killer. Then he waits. Within a minute or two, Bally's Whore stumbles in, and Smiley strikes! Shoving the nozzle of the can up Whore's cunt, he discharges the entire can of wasp killer. Talk about a douche she'll never forget! But before Smiley can drag himself to safety, Bally's Whore picks up a shovel and flattens Smiley with it. They both crawl off and die.
BONUS ROUND: The Bagless Stick Shark vs. The New Thunder Stick Pro!
The Thunder Stick makes the first move, attacking the Stick Shark even before it got a chance to unwind its cord and plug itself in! But wait, the Thunder Stick only had the aerator blade on, and caused no damage! The Stick Shark zooms ahead at full suction, charging at the Thunder Stick. Phhhblt!! There goes the aerator blade, right in the belly of the Shark. The Thunder Stick puts on its chopping blade and goes to town on the Stick Shark, cutting several deep grooves in the side of the Stick Shark. The Shark retaliates by converting into a handheld vaccume and flails its hose wildly about, finally hitting the Thunder Stick hard and knocking it in the sink. But before the Shark could reach for the garbage disposal switch, the Thunder Stick changes to its meat grinder blade, jumps out of the sink, and shreds the Shark's hose and crevice tool into useless grey powder. The Shark quickly vacuums up the remains of its own hose, and resumes its attack. Fitting its upholstery brush into its mouth, the Shark goes right for the Thunder Stick's cord, sucking it up like a spool of cassette tape until the Thunder Stick itself goes up the vaccum with a satisfying "ptttthhhhumpp" sound just like it does in the infomercial.
And the winner in this round: The Euro-Pro Bagless Stick Shark!!
FIRST MATCH: Ron Popeil vs. The Charmin Shitting Bear
This fight takes place on the set of one of Ron's infomercials. Ron takes homefield advantage here and clocks Shitting Bear in the side of the head with a Showtime Rotisserie!! That's GOTTA hurt!! This tough old bear isn't phased by the blow though, and starts wiping his ass with New & Improved Charmin With Butt Pillows and then stuffing the shit-covered toliet wads down Popiel's throat. Yuck! Ron vomits in disgust and reaches for a can of his spray-on hair and shoots Shitting Bear right between the eyes. All this does is piss off Shitting Bear, so he takes the top off a Popiel Automatic Pasta Maker and shits in it, wipes again with Charmin, and makes Ron some nice poo-poo pasta! While Ron is retching on the pasta, Shitting Bear grabs him by the legs, drags him outside, and swings - wrapping Popiel around a tree like a golf club! Ron's down for the count... but wait there's more!! Call within the next 6 minutes, and Ron will shove Shitting Bear through the toliet seat in an outhouse and then toss in a burning Ronco Kitchen Magician!
THE WINNER: RON POPEIL
SECOND MATCH: The "Can You Hear Me Now?" Guy vs. Carrot Head
The venue for this match is a parking lot equipped with a phone booth, several automobiles, and a tipped-over Port-O-Let. While the "Can You Hear Me Now?" Guy is busy asking "Can You Hear Me Now?" on a cell phone, Carrot Head tries in vain to rip the handset off the payphone. Unable to complete this task, he runs to the nearest car and kicks the mirror off the driver's side door and slaps the damn cell phone out of Hear Me's hand, taking off part of his ear in the process! Hear Me whips out another cell phone and shoves it up Carrot Head's bunghole, goes over to the payphone, and calls it. With Carrot Head distracted by all the damn ringing coming out of his ass, Hear Me rips the urinator off the wall of the Port-O-Let and shoves it in Carrot Head's face. A perfect fit!! That urinator is stuck on so tight, it'll never come off. Carrot Head then blindly stumbles around until he comes across another car in the lot. He gets inside, and starts tugging at the cell phone cord, finally getting it to break. When Hear Me comes over to the car, Carrot Head wraps the phone cord around his neck and starts strangling the piss out of him!
But wait!!! Hear Me breaks free, then runs to the payphone and yells "DIAL DOWN THE CENTER YOU PUSSYWHIPPED PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKING ASSHAT! and calls Carrot Head's butt phone again. "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW ASSWIPE, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?" Carrot Head's belly becomes swollen and distended with all the damn ringing down there, and he quickly explodes and dies!!
THE WINNER: The "Can You Hear Me Now?" Guy
THIRD MATCH: The Clairol Herbal Essences "Oh Yes!" Slut vs. the Geico Gecko
This fight takes place in a hair salon. The Gecko goes on the defensive right away, skittering up a wall and dangling from the ceiling in an attempt to avoid Clairol Slut. Slut grabs a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo and squeezes the shit out of it, shooting a powerful stream of toxic, smelly shampoo at the ceiling. But she misses, and only breaks a pair of fluorescent light bulbs. Slut gags and coughs after inhaling a lungful of that poisonous white powder from the bulbs, but recovers quickly. Gecko skitters across the ceiling to the restroom, and undoes the flusher from the toliet. He runs back into the salon and starts whipping Slut in the legs with it until she starts screaming "Oh yes! Oh god YEEEESSS!!!"
Clearly, Gecko's tactic is failing miserably, so while Slut's mouth is still open in exctasy, he forcefully jams the toliet flusher down her throat, viciously ripping into her vocal chords with the metal rod on the end. Slut falls into the shampoo bowl, hitting her head on the faucet. But not to be outdone by a fucking lizard, she goes for a hair dryer, flicks it on high, and starts shooting at Gecko with it. She manages to hit Gecko's tail, burning it off. But Gecko quickly grows a new one, and skitters across the floor and into the wastepaperbasket. He fishes out a half-used tube of peroxide, and shoots Slut right in the pussy with it. Ouch!!! Slut doubles over in pain, and then her adrenaline rush kicks in. She rips a stylist's chair out of the floor, and starts trying to flatten Gecko with it. Smash! Smash! Smash!!! Bottles of conditioner, curling irons, and jars of Barbicide go flying every which way.
She manages to chop off one of Gecko's feet with that last blow, and simply follows the trail of blood to the bathroom. With Gecko now trapped, she grabs it with a towel, throws it in the toliet, pours in three bottles of Clairol Herbal Essences shampoo, and crams the whole bloody mess down with the toliet brush.
THE WINNER: HERBAL ESSENCES SLUT
ROUND 1: CAPTAIN CRUNCH vs. THE AFLAC DUCK
This round takes place in an ordinary kitchen of a pet owning household. The dog is sleeping on the damn couch again, and that darned cat is probably peeing in its owner's shoes.
The Captain plays the role of aggressor, and goes right for the Aflac Duck, but trips over the dog's water bowl and lands face-first in the damn unchanged cat box. Must be those fucking eyebrows on his hat causing his already inexcusable distraction. The Captain has to stop for a moment to pull the sewer pickles out of his hat and scrape one off one of his eyebrows. Duck takes advantage here, grabbing a box of Captain Crunch with Crunchberries, pouring a whole carton of sour milk in the box, and putting it in a Hefty Sinch Sack. "Crunchitise This, Captain!!" Aflac Duck says as he tugs on the yellow handles of the garbage bag and whirls it 'round and 'round, clocking the dear old Captain right in the puss with it, over and over and over! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!! The bag soon explodes though, flinging crunchberries and curdled, slimey chunks of sour milk everywhere!
The Captain staggers to his feet and takes off his hat (ripping his eyebrows off), fills it with Kibbles & Bits, and throws it at the Duck. POW!! The Duck goes flying into the little cupboard under the sink, and lands in a crumpled heap amidst bottles of Whink and Drano. He starts quacking loudly, "AFLAC! AFLAC!! AFLAC!!!" while unscrewing the cap off a bottle of Whink. He directs the highly corrosive stream of hydrofluoric acid right at the Captain, but only manages to burn off one arm and part of his uniform. "AFLAC!!" goes the Duck one last time. As he's starting to reach for the Drano, the Captain grabs a broom and starts wildly swatting at the Duck. He scores a pair of vicious hits to the head, knocking the Duck unconscious!! The Captain then wrings the duck's neck and flings him into the waiting 400° oven, slamming the door and saying "CRUNCHITIZE THIS, ASSWIPE!!!"
THE WINNER ROUND 1: CAPTAIN CRUNCH
ROUND 2: KIRSTY ALLY vs. JASON ALEXANDER
(Well of course Jason lives to fight another night - after all, this is only TV!) Tonight's venue is the parking lot between the KFC and a Pier 1. Both stores are open for business, and are fully stocked with their usual merchandise.
Oh oh, it looks like neither one of our protagonists has the homefield advantage here. Both of them run off in opposite directions. What a couple of losers!
But WAIT!! Both have reappeared, bearing their weapons of choice: Kirsty has a Pier 1 lamp, and Jason has his bucket of fungused KFC Select Wings. Kirsty, being a bit lighter on her feet, attacks first. She unscrews one of the light bulbs from the Pier 1 lamp, and crams it up Jason's asshole! Oh no, she's taking a swing with the lamp, and POW!!! Broken glass flies everywhere as she whacks Jason in the ass, and remember he had a bulb up there! That's GOTTA hurt! Jason, not to be outdone, starts pulling out chicken wings and throwing them at Kirsty like miniature boomerangs! They're whizzing past her head, doing a U'ie, and landing back in the bucket!!
Whiz... Whiz... SMACK!! Got her, right between the eyes!! Kirsty dashes back to the Pier 1, and Jason follows her in. Jason grabs an IKEA-like magazine rack, and trips Kirsty with it. Kirsty grabs a combination lamp & end table, takes an off-balance swing, and nails Jason right in the balls!! Jeez that smarts. Jason curls up in pain, then sees a bright red vase full of dried flowers. SMASH!!! There goes a $5 vase, right across the back of Kirsty's head, ruining her lovely head of hair. Blood is pouring out like a broken faucet! It's beginning to look a lot like a mutual annhilation event here folks, both of our contestants are bloodied up pretty darn good!
While Kirsty is busy trying to fix her hair, Jason finds an aluminum Christmas tree full of lights. He smashes all the bulbs, then plugs the tree into an extension cord, and makes a run for Kirsty with the electric death tree. ZZZZZZZZZAPP!! Got her right in the milk cans!! Boy the sparks are really flying tonight. She torturously plucks pieces of broken light bulbs and aluminum rods out of her chest, staggers to her feet, and lunges at Jason, shoving him into an open Hide-A-Bed. With her last breath, she kicks the bed closed, crushing Jason to death in a fury of razor sharp couch springs. She collapses on the floor and dies. Too bad Jason never made it back to his KFC, what with all the wonderfully hot and electric death machines at his disposal.
THE WINNER ROUND 2: MUTUAL ANNIHILATION!!!
ROUND THREE: DELL RAT-BOY ("STONER") STEVE vs. THE SNUGGLES DRYER BEAR
This event shall take place in a public laundry room, equipped with 10 washers, 10 dryers, a soap vending machine, an automatic bill changer, and 1 utility sink; and a small restroom equipped with 1 washbasin, 1 wall-mounted porcelain urinator, 1 toliet bowl with cistern & standard flush mechanism, and several meters of handicapped railing.
The Snuggles Bear takes a *very* early lead, taking home field advantage. He quickly grabs some Bounce dryer sheets and shoves them down Steve's throat, watering them in with a bottle of Snuggle. Steve quickly gags and chokes, expelling the toxic laundry waste, and goes right for the computerized coin changer. "DAMMIT, THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DELL!" he curses, as he rips the machine open with a conveniently placed tire iron. He pulls out a bundle of wire, and goes after Snuggle Bear with it. But the little stub-footed bear is too quick for Steve, so he heads back to the changer and grabs a few rolls of quarters. He quickly rifles through somebody's laundry tub and steals a sock, into which he deposits two rolls of quarters. He charges after Snuggles once more, clocking him right in the gut with the sock weapon. The diminutive little bear goes flying, and smashes right through the front glass of a soap vending machine. Snuggles grabs a single-use box of Tide With Bleach out of the smashed machine, rips the top off, and peppers Steve right in the eyes with the burning powder! Steve staggers over to the utility sink and quickly douches out his stinging eyes. He spies a mop bucket with a soured mop in it. "Maybe later" he thinks. Steve reaches under the sink and rips the pee trap out of the wall, and once again goes after Snuggles with it. Time for a little hockey action. Down the center, around the folding table, and under the ironing board he goes. Smack! Down goes the ironing board, hot irons clattering across the floor. "Missed me, Dell Fag!" says the little bear. This infuriates Steve, so he throws the pee trap as hard as he can at the bear, missing again. But he did manage to punch the little pipe right through the front of a washer, causing it to spew suds and hot water ALL OVER Snuggles!!!
Steve then grabs one of the fallen irons and plants it firmly on Snuggle's cheek. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssss goes the hot iron, leaving a black, iron-shaped scorch mark right on Snuggle's face. The newly-tattooed Snuggles scampers behind the smashed washer and tears the drain hose out of the wall, then starts beating the living shit out of Steve with it. "YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A FUCKING DELL!!" says Snuggles in that high-pitched faggoty voice, as he's giving Steve a thorough ass beating with the rubber washing machine hose.
Steve barely manages to escape, and locks himself in the bathroom. Who would have known Snuggles had a fucking key?!? Within minutes, the doorknob starts to turn, and there stands Snuggles, madder than a piss ant and holding up a pair of seriously menstruated women's panties. Steve backs away in terror of the dirty underwear, then picks up a toliet brush and swats the soiled panties into the toliet. He quickly ducks out of the bathroom and goes for that soured mop. Like a jousting knight, he dashes headlong into the bathroom, and uses the filthy smelly mop to smack Snuggles over and over and over again. Soon, Snuggles is so fucking filthy and smelly and gross, nobody can stand it anymore - and neither can Snuggles himself. He curls up behind the toliet. Oh, this is too perfect. Steve rips off two sections of the handicap railing from around the toliet, and uses them like chopsticks to pick up the filthy stinky bear and throw him in the toliet. With a flick of the silver handle, the bear goes round and round. Damn, it isn't going down. Steve picks up the toliet plunger and starts furiously pumping at the bowl, joyously yelling "HASTA LA VISTA SNUGGLES, DOWN THE SHITBOWL YOU GO!!
THE WINNER ROUND THREE: DELL RAT-BOY ("STONER") STEVE
ROUND FOUR: The Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee vs. the Nasonex Nasal Spray Bee.
This battle shall take place in the bathroom of a woman with nasal allergies. The bathroom is equipped with the usual: a mirrored medicine cabinet stocked with common medications & remedies, a vanity with sink, a hair dryer, a standard toliet with cistern and ordinary flush mechanism, a roll of Charmin with Butt Pillows mounted to the right of the toliet, a plunger, a broom & dustpan, and a bathtub. Near the bathroom is the kitchen, stocked with the usual food & kitchenware. The contestants do not necessarily have to *USE* everything listed here, but they *ARE* at their disposal.
The Nasonex Bee takes the first offensive, emptying a box of Honey Nut Cheerios® in the toliet, watering them in well with half a gallon of slimey, curdled, very sour milk. The Honey Nut Bee sees the cereal, buzzes around the toliet and says in that faggoty voice, "Honey Nut Cheerios®. A flushing good part of this urine-tainted breakfast!". But before the Nasonex Bee can slam the lid down & flush, the Honey Nut Bee flies away from the commode and toward the medicine chest. Toward the medicine chest?!? Honey Nut Bee grabs a bottle of Nasonex and sprays the Cheerios® with it, causing the Nasonex Bee to hover above the shitbowl and say "Nasonex...Day or night...Nasonex." But before the Honey Nut Bee can whack the lid down & flush, the Nasonex Bee flies off!!! The score is still tied 0-0 folks!!!
The Nasonex Bee then darts for the hair dryer on the top of the vanity, plugs it in, and starts shooting it at the Honey Nut Bee. "Whiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!" goes the hair dryer, and o no, it burned one of the Honey Nut Bee's wings off!!! Honey Nut Bee tears a piece of Charmin off, crawls to the kitchen, and fashions a replacement wing with the TP and some super glue he found in the garbage drawer. Now he can fly again...at least, a little. He looks like he's had one too many, but the Honey Nut Bee can at least remain airborne. And here comes the Nasonex Bee again...this time his weapon of choise is a bottle of Nasonex nasal spray!!! He shoots the Honey Nut Bee over and over with it, finally douching the Bee just as the bottle of Nasonex runs out. The toliet paper wing that the Honey Nut Bee made for himself literally moments ago literally melts due to the nasal spray, and the Honey Nut Bee falls to the floor. When the Nasonex Bee lands next to him to kick him in the balls, the family cat appears out of nowhere and eats them both!!! Betchya didn't see THAT coming. ;-)
THE WINNER ROUND 4: MUTUAL ANNIHILATION BY KITTY CAT!!!
ROUND FIVE: The Talking Kellog's Mini-Wheat vs. The Geico Gecko.
This round takes place in an ordinary kitchen of a pet owning household. The dog is sleeping on the damn bed again, and that darned cat is probably pissing in its owner's slippers. In the garbage drawer, among the usual crap like a broken flashlight, leaking batteries, a half-used ball of string, etc. there's a sewing kit in a small lidded tin.
The Talking Mini-Wheat takes the offensive here, saying "One two three, you can dance, like you were, born in France", then goes under the sink, grabs a bag of dry cat food, and throws it at the Gecko. Some of the cat food bounces off the Gecko, but the little lizard is generally unphased by the barrage. The Gecko then skitters up the front of the oven and onto the counter. He sees a bottle of vinegar with a sprinkle top, grabs it, and shakes the urine out of it toward the Mini-Wheat. But the vinegar just comes out in small droplets that don't travel very far, so the Gecko quickly abandons this tactic, and hides behind the flour jar to think up another.
Mini-Wheat then comes up with another tactic. He tears off some sheets of Viva paper towels, wads those bitches up, and lights them on the stove. He throws the burning wadded up towels like toliet wads at the Gecko, but only manages to burn its tail off. The Gecko, being self-regenerating, skitters up the wall and grows a new tail. He then runs down the wall, across the counter, and into the knife drawer; where he fishes out a large meat cleaver. He scampers after the Mini-Wheat with it, swinging wildly back & forth, but each slash of the gleaming steel blade misses, and the only damage he does with the knife is to put a few slashes in the cupboard doors near the kitchen floor. The Mini-Wheat then opens the garbage drawer, removes the lidded tin box from it, and throws it at the Gecko as hard as he can. Success!!! He clocks the lizard right in the noggin with it, nocking the lizard out. The lid came off the tin at inpact, revealing the contents of the tin: sewing needles and thread. So the Mini-Wheat goes to work, and sews the Gecko's lips to its asshole. But in the Gecko's death throes, the lizard starts convulsing & kicking, and one of those involuntary kicks connects with the Mini-Wheat, nocking him right into the dog's water bowl.
They both become swollen & distended, explode, and die.
THE WINNER ROUND 5: MUTUAL ANNIHILATION!!!
ROUND SIX: LUVS BABY vs. THE SNUGGLES DRYER BEAR
This event shall take place in the living room and (toward the end) the wash room in the home of a standard middle-class household. The couple is gone, but the baby is using a Luvs brand baby toliet (diaper). The living room is equipped with the usual: a couch, two chairs, two end tables, a coffee table, a 32" screen CRT-type TV set, two table lamps, and one floor lamp. The baby has many of his toys scattered around the floor. The wash room is equipped with what you'd expect: there is a top load washing machine and a front load dryer in it.
The Luvs baby takes first offense here; throwing a set of brightly colored plastic "A-B-C" blocks at the Snuggles bear, as the bear is exiting the wash room. He misses (well, what did you expect? He's a BABY!!!) and the Snuggles bear runs on his little stubby legs to the baby and pours liquid Snuggle down his back, soaking into his Luvs diaper, causing it to become swollen & distended - and soon exploding off the baby and flying into the dryer - exposing the baby's urinator (tallywhacker) and his still-smooth toliet muscle (ass).
The baby has to go #1, so he grabs his little pecker and shoots a stream of hot, corrosive baby piss right at the Snuggles bear!!! SPLAAAAAAATTTT!!!!! The steaming acidic liquid gets the bear right between the eyes - and then gets *INTO* one of the bear's eyes as he turns to avoid the urine stream!!! ***OUCH!!!***
The Snuggles bear makes the mistake of climbing into the dryer and pulling the door shut behind him in effort to hide, but the baby somehow leans against the dryer's "START" button - starting the motorised, superheated, rotating, bear-destroying satanic robot death machine.
After a time, the Snuggles bear overheats and explodes into a big poufy ball of urinous-smelling brown fur and white (yellowed in some places) foam.
WINNER ROUND SIX: THE LUVS BABY (even though he remains unchanged!)
ROUND SEVEN: THE SNUGGLES DRYER BEAR vs. THE CHARMIN SHITTING BEAR
This event shall take place in the bathroom and (toward the end) the wash room in the home of a standard middle-class household. The bathroom is equipped with the usual: a black Kohler Rialto toliet, a vanity with sinkm a medicine cabinet, and a bathtub. The wash room is equipped with what you'd expect: there is a top load washing machine and a front load dryer in it.
The Charmin Shitting Bear takes first blood in this battle; unrolling a large quantity of Charmin with Butt Pillows and attempting to suffocate the Snuggles bear with it. But the Snuggles bear is a stuffed animal, and does not need to breathe!
The Snuggles bear goes right to the wash room for his weapon of choise: a bottle of Snuggle liquid fabric softener, runs into the bathroom, and empties it into the toliet. The pleasant scent attracts the Charmin bear to the shitbowl, and when he leans in to take a whiff, the Snuggles dryer bear viciously slams the toliet seat against the back of the Charmin Shitting Bear's head, knocking him out!!!
Snuggles then goes to the medicine cabinet and fishes around in there for a knife or a pair of scissors. He finds some scissors, and though it takes some time, he manages to decapitate the Charmin shitting bear, killing it.
WINNER ROUND SEVEN: THE SNUGGLES DRYER BEAR
ROUND 1: HAMBURGER HELPER HAND vs. GEICO GECKO
This epic battle shall take place in a household kitchen. The kitchen is equipped with a double-bowl sink & garbage disposal, refrigerator, range, and numerous small TV infomercial appliances. The kitchen has a moderate infestation of ants, cockroaches, and rats.
The embattled contestants start by circling one another on the kitchen floor. Gecko tries to take first blood by scampering up the side of the cupboard and grabbing a serrated bread knife out of the knife drawer. He viciously slashes at the three-fingered Hand over and over, but every slash of the gleaming steel blade misses!!
The Hand goes under the sink and pulls out a plastic garbage bag, and tries to asphyxiate the Gecko with it. Gecko chews through the bag and escapes! He skitters up the cabinet and across the counter, and grabs a Thunder Stick Pro blender. Gecko turns the Thunder Stick on, and attacks the Hand from behind! He drills the Thunder Stick's blade deep into the Hand's back, but Hand grabs a cabinet handle and pulls himself away. He grabs the knife Gecko dropped earlier, and cuts the cord off the Thunder Stick, permanently neutralizing the threat.
Now it's Hand's turn to go on the offensive. He reaches in through the open cabinet under the sink and grabs a bottle of Cascade automatic diswasher liquid. He flips the top and directs a powerful stream of the corrosive gel right at the Gecko, but only hits him in the tail, melting it off. Gecko quickly grows a new one, and hides behind the sugar bowl. Realising the Gecko is self-regenerating, Hand starts preheating the oven in preparation for Gecko's iminent immolation. While Gecko is cautiously peeking out from behind the sugar bowl, he is horrified to see Hand mixing a bowl of Hamburger Helper, and notices he took a marker and crossed out "Hamburger", then added the word "Gecko" on the front of the box. That's really bad news for our little lizard friend!!
Gecko gets behind a Showtime Rotisserie and kicks it across the counter, knocking Hand to the floor. He then grabs a bottle of Ronsonol cigarette lighter refill and sprays it toward Hand on floor, but misses Hand by just a tiny bit. Hand slips on the lighter fluid, skids right into a sticky rat trap, and becomes hopelessly stuck! Gecko then skitters down the side of the stove, flips the oven door open, then kicks Hand inside and slams the door; all while exclaiming in that faggoty accent, "HAND HELPER... MAKES A GREAT MEAL!"
Once Hand stops struggling, Gecko grabs the bowl of Hamburger Helper off the counter, dumps it all over the burning Hand, and lets it broil for another hour and 45 minutes.
Some quick acrobatics with a Swiffer Wet takes care of the mess on the floor, so nobody but you will ever know of the heroic battle that took place here this evening.
WINNER ROUND ONE: The GEICO GECKO!
ROUND 2: GEICO GECKO vs. GEICO "KASH"
This round takes place in an ordinary pet owning household. The dog is sleeping on the darn-diddly-arn bed again, and that goddam cat is probably pissing in its owner's underwear drawer because some asswipe forgot to clean out the litterbox again. In the garbage drawer, there is the usual trash: a broken flashlight, leaking batteries, a half-used ball of string, etc. The wash room is equipped with a top-load washer and a front-load dryer. Under the kitchen sink is the usual assortment of name brand cleaning & drain care chemicals. The bathroom is equipped with a black Kohler brand Rialto toliet and some Cleanax Cottonelle toliet paper is in the dispenser immediately to the right of the water closet; the medicine cabinet is stocked with normal remedies and cosmetics. Between the mattresses in the master bedroom is a small baggie of dope and a bowl to smoke it in. The contestants do not necessarily have to *USE* everything listed here, but they *ARE* at their disposal.
The Gecko begins by circling around Kash (the pile of paper money with "googly eyes"), knowing that Kash fully intends to rip his bunghole off. Kash springs to life, pouncing on the lizard like a playful little kitten...shit that didn't go over very well at all, did it?
Gecko goes into defensive mode and skitters up a wall; then switches to offensive mode, and skitters under the sink for some Whink. He squirts the highly corrosive fluid at Kash, but misses. Kash goes into the bathroom, gets a bottle of Murine II eyedrops out of the medicine chest, and drops three drops of the liquid into each eye -- this enables him to see a bit better.
Kash then goes into the wash room to get a bottle of Snuggle; he dashes back into the kitchen where the Gecko is and liberally douches the lizard with the Snuggle!!! The Gecko's little tail thrashes and whips about, hitting the cat's water bowl and slightly dousing Kash in cat water.
The Gecko soon stumbles into the master bedroom, and immediately spies the corner of the little dope baggie sticking out between the mattresses. So he does what any fictional lizard might do: he puts the weed into the pipe, sparks up the bowl, and smokes it. But he's careless about disposing of the evidence -- the pipe still had hot ashes in it when he puts everything back between the mattresses, and he unknowingly sets the bed on fire!!!
The Gecko blindly stumbles to the kitchen because he got the munchies from smoking out, and Kash is waiting just inside the kitchen doorway with a spatula he sprayed with Pam: SMACK!!! goes the spatula right upside the lizard's head!!! The Gecko goes flying into the open dishwasher, so Kash slams the door of the machine closed, turns the knob to the "Pot Scrubber" setting, and turns the motorised, lizard-destroying satanic robot death machine on. That's the end of our little lizard friend.
O WAIT!!! Kash wasn't aware of the burning bed -- the one the Gecko had accidentally ignited when getting rid of the dope earlier!!! Now the house is filling with smoke from the bedroom (which is now completely engulfed in fire), so Kash makes a desperate dash for the bathroom, jumps eyes-first into the Kohler Rialto toliet, and drowns.
WINNER ROUND TWO: Mutal annhilation!!!
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"Thuh" "spelingg" "poleese" have already been notified that misspellings of words like, "toilet" and, "urinal" were intentional, so please don't waste your time in calling them.