THE ULTIMATE ANTI-HERO
Battles between various TV commercial & infomercial spokespeople, spokesanimals, spokethings, and the products themselves.
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ROUND TWELVE: DELL "STONER STEVE" vs. JERRY SPRINGER
This fight shall take place on the set of the Jerry Springer show. The set is equipped with the kind of things you might expect: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, hundreds (or even thousands) of folding chairs, etc. Also present are two pay telephones, and Jerry's security guard Steve Wilkos. In the men's room there is an American Standard toliet with cistern and standard flushing mechanism, a Kohler K-4917-0 14-3/4" Vitreous wall-mounted porcelain uranator with a Sloan spud valve, a Cormatic toliet paper dispenser with the phrase "DO NOT EXCEED 3,250RPM" scratched into it with the tip of a knife blade, a soured mop in a rusted metal pale, and a Dyson brand electric hand dryer. The women's room has an "OUT OF ORDER" sign hanging on the door, and the door is locked.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Dell "Rat Boy" aka. "Stoner" Steve take the offensive here and searches the entire Springer Show set for a change machine. He spots a Rowe bill changer in the employee's lounge, tries to insert a $20 bill, but fails miserably -- I guess he didn't read the huge print on the front of the machine that reads "$1 AND $5 BILLS ONLY". He mutters "Dammit that should have been a Dell" under his peterbreath; then he sparks up a bowl and finishes it with a big fat doobie.
Jerry rips the handset out of one of the payphones, then goes after Steve with it. *TWAK* *TWAK* *TWAK* goes the telephone handset against Steve's noggin, but the handset breaks into flushable-sized pieces before Steve is phased by the blows (partly because the telephone was a POS and partly because Steve is so fucking wasted right now), so Jerry goes to the men's room, dutifully throws the pieces into the toliet and yanks the little chrome-colored handle on the front of the cistern down -- thus flushing them away.
Steve then picks the lock on the woman's room (he's stoned out of his gourd but his fingers can still work lockpicking tools) and gets the toliet plunger. He comes after Jerry with the plunger, and whacks Jerry upside his noggin with the wooden handle until it too breaks; leaving Jerry generally unphased and little worse for wear.
Jerry calls for his security guard Steve Wilkos. Steve rushes in just in time to see Dell "rat boy" Steve pick up a folding chair and clock Jerry good with it! Jerry collapses onto the floor at this point. Dell "rat boy" Steve swings the metal chair over and over and over, leaving Jerry in a bloody, crumpled heap on the floor. Steve Wilkos then proceeds to beat the living tweedle out of Dell "Stoner" Steve with the mop handle, and then with a shoe when the mop becomes broken -- and keeps beating the fartknocker until he too is in a bloody, crumpled heap on the floor. They then both eat it (become worm food).
THE WINNER ROUND TWELVE: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
ROUND FOURTEEN: AFLAC DUCK vs. NASONEX BEE
As with the Nasonex Bee vs. Honey Nut Cheerios® Bee battle, this fight shall take place in the bathroom of a woman with nasal allergies. The bathroom is equipped with the usual: a mirrored medicine cabinet stocked with common medications & remedies (including two bottles of Nasonex nasal spray), a vanity with sink, a hair dryer, a standard toliet with cistern and ordinary flush mechanism, a roll of Charmin with Butt Pillows mounted to the right of the toliet, a plunger, a broom & dustpan, and a bathtub. Near the bathroom is the kitchen, stocked with the usual food & kitchenware; and the home office has State Farm and Aflac insurance paperwork easily accessible in the top right desk drawer.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
The Aflac Duck makes the first move by going right to the home office and mistakenly grabbing the State Farm insurance paperwork with its beak and flying back to the bathroom with it. He encounters the Nasonex bee, and starts quacking loudly, "STATE FARM, STATE FARM, STATE FA...O SHIT!!!!".
The Nasonex bee counters by flying into the medicine chest and mistakenly grabbing a bottle of Anacin. Then he says (in that phoney-balogna Mexican accent), "ANACIN, DAY OR NIGHT...ANACIN, DAY OR NIGHT...ANA...O FUCK!!". Neither of our protagonists has the advantage here!!! :-O
The Aflac Duck then goes for a bottle of Nasonex in the medicine chest, and empties it all into the toliet. The characteristic odour attracts the Nasonex bee, who flies to the shitbowl, hovers over the water, and starts saying, "NASONEX, DAY OR NIGHT...NASONEX, DAY OR NIGHT...NASONEX, DAY OR NIGHT...NASONEX, DAY OR NIGHT!!!". But before the Aflac Duck can slam the lid down and flush, the Nasonex bee flies up out of the bowl, out of the bathroom, and into the kitchen -- where he emerges a moment later with a spatula. He swats at the Aflac Duck multiple times, but misses every time.
The Aflac Duck then unrolls a large quantity of the Charmin, and tries to trap the Nasonex bee in the toliet paper prison so that it can simply be flushed away, but the Nasonex bee flies into the medicine chest once more, grabs a bottle of Nasonex, and hoses down the TP with it -- subsequently causing the paper to "melt" all over the Duck. Unable to breathe, the Aflac Duck perishes, but not before twitching and pooing. Some of the bird shit hits the Nasonex bee, clogging its spiracles (breathing holes along the sides of its abdomen), effectively suffocating it and causing it to perish as well.
THE WINNER ROUND FOURTEEN: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
ROUND FIFTEEN: JASON ALEXANDER vs. JAMIE CURTIS
This fight shall take place in the parking lot between a Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Dannon yogurt factory. Here, you'll find a number of parked vehicles (a couple with keys still in the ignition), a dipsty dumpster with a fair quantity of very old and subsequently fungused Dannon Activia "Poo-Poo Yogurt" in it, another dipsty dumpster with spoiled chicken parts (some cooked, some uncooked) in it, a bucket of yucky old Kentucky Grilled Chicken that a customer had dropped several weeks earlier (and has gone unnoticed all this time!!!), and a roll of Asstroturf to be used in the filming of another Activia "Poo-Poo Yogurt" commercial.
Well of course both of the embattled players live to fight again...remember folks, this is TV we're talking about here. :-)
Jason takes first blood by fishing some of that rotten chicken out of the dipsty dumpster and hurling it at Jamie. Most of the pieces miss their mark, but one of them does slightly tick her hair as it whizzes by hear noggin. She smells something truly disgusting (the chicken piece that just grazed her), ralfs into a conveniently-placed Activia cup, and throws it at Jason. ***SPLAT!!!*** goes the puke-filled plastic cup against Jason's thigh. Truly foul smelling shit here folks.
Jason runs into the KFC, douches off his pants leg under the faucet, and gets a large bag of barbecue sauce from the walk-in cooler. He slips out of the restaraunt unnoticed, tears the top of the bag open, and pours it all over Jamie -- fully intent on ripping her bunghole off...er...uh...putting her in the barbecue oven for...9 hourrrrs**. She knows what's about to happen though, and starts harping about the Activia "Poo-Poo Yogurt", "Trust me. It's beyond tasty. It has culture Bifidus regularis to make you go poo at 5:37pm every day." and all kinds of other horse puckey. Jason's ears start to bleed, so he runs to the employee's john for some toliet paper, but finds that some assclown unrolled it all and piled it in the toliet. So he goes back out to the parking lot and tears off a bit of Asstroturf to use like aural tampons to stem the bleeding from his ears.
Jamie then goes to the dipsty dumster that has the yucky spoiled Activia in it, fishes out several cups, peels the lids away, and really gets a snootful -- that shit really reeks!!! She holds her breath and hurls the stinky fungused yogurt at Jason. ***SPLAT!!!*** ***SPLAT!!!*** ***SPLAT!!!*** go the yucky old cups of yogurt right in Jason's face, chest, and right leg!!! YUCKO!!! THAT'S GOTTA REEK OF SOMETHING TRULY AWFUL!!!
Jason then hangs his head in shame, limps back to the KFC, pulls all of the racks out of the 10-3* and throws them aimlessly onto the floor, climbs in, hits the "Start" button, and ends his misery!!!
THE WINNER ROUND FIFTEEN: JAMIE CURTIS
* The 10-3 is the large pressurised deep fat fryer used for cooking Kentucky Fried Chicken "Original Recipe" chicken. It's called the "10-3" because it can cook 10 heads of chicken (minus the feathers, heads, necks, feet, guts, and bungholes of course) on 3 racks.
I used to work at a KFC, so I know this to be fact.
** Part of this phrase (everything after "putting her"; and using the same syntax and inflection implied here) was heard from the S.A.M. speech synthesizer on the Commodore 64 computer in 1987.
ROUND SIXTEEN: THE AFLAC DUCK vs. THE AFLAC GOAT
This fight shall take place in a cubicle of an Aflac office. The cubicle is equipped with the types of items you would expect: a wheeled office chair, a desk with Aflac paperwork stuffed into many of its drawers, a plastic cup brimming with disposable ballpoint pens, a multiple-line telephone, an IBM Selectric typewriter, a red Swingline stapler, a ream of white paper, a desktop computer terminal with 15" green phosphor monitor connected to a central mainframe via a pair of thin cables, freestanding carpeted walls, a roll of Scotch transparent tape, and a plastic Rubbermaid wastepaperbasket.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
Folks, this is a fight for the ages! Never before has a battle taken place between contestants representing the same company!!! Looks like neither one of our embattled players has homefield advantage.
Since nobody has the advantage here, the Aflac Duck rushes out of the gates first. He fishes some Aflac paperwork out of the desk, runs toward the Aflac Goat, and starts quacking rather loudly, "AFLAC! AFLAC!! AFLAC!!!" The Goat responds to this aural assault by ripping the Aflac paperwork out of the Duck's beak and eating it.
The Duck then goes for the Selectric typewriter, rips the ball out of it, and spits it at the Goat. *TING!* goes the ball, right off one of the Goat's horns. The Goat mistakes it for a can and rather quickly eats the fucker...so much for that tactic!!!
The Goat liked the taste of the Selectric typewriter ball so much that he goes to the desk and devours the rest of the typewriter!!! :-O
After eating the typewriter, the Goat saunters away, completely oblivious to the Duck preparing its next attack.
The Duck nocks the phone off the hook, and before the "ROH*" (Receiver Off Hook) signal sounds from the handset, takes a pair of scissors he saw in the "pens" cup and cuts the cord from the wall...guess he never got the memmo that the telephone cord was modular, hahaha!!!. :-O
Anyway, the Duck then lies in wait for the Goat...the Goat soon comes by to check for cans in the wastepaperbasket, and the Duck violently coils the telephone cord arounds its neck in attempt to choke the living tweedle out of the poor defenseless thing...but the Goat readily chews through its "death wire" and handily devours it!!!
The Goat is -- so far anyway -- not fighting back at all it would seem. Perhaps good news for our quacking feathered friend?
The Goat goes back to the desk and devours a whole pile more of Aflac paperwork..."naaaah, naaah, naaah" it bleats as it eats its little "snicker snack". It then calmly walks into the employee's can not far from the cubicle and takes a big fat dump in the wall-mounted porcelain uranator...thus making room for more Aflac paperwork and metal objects -- and stopping up the uranator so that it can no longer be used for its intended purpose. During the Goat's "dump", metal objects come out of its bunghole and smash into the bottom of the pisscan, making loud "CLANK!" noises; one of them is heavy enough that it breaks the bottom half of the pisser off and it crashes to the floor. The top half of the uranator stayed on the wall though, so the Goat didn't get douched with a blast of icy cold water from the walltoliet's water inlet pipe.
Why the stupid Goat didn't just go over 4 feet to the right and shit in the toliet bowl may never be known. Maybe it was just being a prick. :-/
The Duck lies in wait outside the employee's john, and surely enough, the Goat emerges and starts to head back to the cubicle with the sole intent of helping itself to more Aflac paperwork and any metal it can find. Instead, it finds the entrance blocked with this sticky shit -- it's the Scotch tape that the Duck had placed across the entrance. Not sure of how to penetrate this "force field", the goat bleats out "fuck fuck fuck" over and over. It then goes to the broom closet, gets the vacuum cleaner out, and rather handily pushes it through the "force field", allowing the Goat entrance to the cubcile so that it can chow down on more Aflac paperwork. Soon however, the Goat isn't feeling that hot. Within a matter of minutes, it falls over, pisses all over the place, and becomes worm food!!!
What could have done the Goat in like that?
The Duck performs a quick necropsy, and finds that the cause of the Goat's death was acute ink poisoning -- it ate way too much of that Aflac paperwork and essentially did ITSELF in!!!
THE WINNER ROUND SIXTEEN: THE AFLAC DUCK
(with a bit of help from Aflac paperwork!!!)
* This links to an audio (sound) file of the ROH signal.
This is a very loud, somewhat obnoxious sound; don't say I didn't warn ya. :-)
ROUND SEVENTEEN: THE GEICO CAVEMAN vs. THE GEICO GECKO
This fight shall take place outdoors in 10,000 BC near the entrance to a large cavern. There are the things you might expect : a circle of stones, a lightning rod, a bag of golf balls, some rocks of various sizes, two "Y"-shaped sticks, and a long rather skinny stick.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
The Caveman is on its home turf, so he goes on the rag fir...er...uh...on the RAMPAGE first. He picks up some rocks and starts lobbing them at the Gecko, but the Gecko is light on its feet, and it avoids them all.
The Gecko starts saying in that faggoty voice, "Save money...hip hip cheerio!!!" and makes a run for the golf balls. It finds a conveniently-placed 5-iron, and starts swinging wildly at the golf balls. The Gecko shanks a couple, and hits a couple of more off the club's hosel, but most of them get hit rather soundly! They start hitting the Caveman!!! *TWAK!!!* *TWAK!!!* *TWAK!!!* go the golf balls against the Caveman's noggin.
Caveman, a bit woozy from all the damn golf balls, says, "So easy a caveman can do it", then at that instant, a bolt of lightning streaks across the sky and down toward the circle of stones, setting fire to the twigs and other junk in it. The Caveman jumps up and down, exclaiming, "I'll call this new hot thing 'FIRE' and tell all of my friends that I invented it!!!
The first thing he does with this "fire" thing is make humanity's first hot meal. He grabs the Gecko by its sturdy back legs (not its fragile front legs), ties it to a long skinny stick, sets the two "Y"-shaped sticks to each side of the fire, and roasts our poor little lizard friend over the flickering flames.
But wait!!! Caveman begins to feel hot, soon uncomfortably so, and soon thereafter, unbearably so!!! He wakes up from this dream, finds himself tied to the long stick, and is suspended over a roaring fire!!! He soon pisses and shits everywhere and quickly becomes worm food!!!
Turns out that the Gecko found a time machine, set it for 12:34:56pm on July 8, 1990; went to the gun store and bought himself a stun gun, went to a real dive of a bar and bought some "Roofies" from some fuckweed who was dumb enough to sell them to our little green dickhead, and finally got back into the time machine and travelled back to 10,000 B.C.
The Gecko then zapped the Caveman with the stun gun, crammed all of the "Roofies" in his mouth, whipped out its little lizard pecker and uranated in the Caveman's mouth to water in the pills, waited a short time for him to pass out, tied him to a long, skinny stick, started a fire with a Bic disposable cigerette lighter it also got during its visit to 1990, and let the Caveman burn baby burn!!! :-O
THE WINNER ROUND SEVENTEEN: THE GEICO GECKO
ROUND EIGHTEEN: BILLY MAYS vs. RON POPIEL
This fight shall take place on the set of one of Billy Mays' infomercials. The set is equipped with the kind of things you might expect: boom microphones on long poles, large video cameras on wheeled dollies, portable carpeted walls on casters, thousands of watts of hot light bulbs, etc. Also present are two drinking fountains, a paper cup dispenser, six cases of Oxi-Clean, five cases of Orange Glo, a dozen Showtime rotisseries (from Ron's set next door), and a Kirby upright vacumm cleaner. In the restroom there is an American Standard toliet with cistern and standard flushing mechanism, a Kohler K-4917-0 14-3/4" Vitreous wall-mounted porcelain uranator with a Sloan spud valve, a Cormatic toliet paper dispenser with the phrase "DO NOT EXCEED 3,250RPM" scratched into it with the tip of a knife blade, a soured, decomposing, quite stinky mop in a rusted metal pale, and a Dyson brand electric hand dryer.
The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired.
We've got ourselves a hot and fast one here tonight folks!!! Two infomercial pitchmen; this battle can't last long!!!
Billy has the homefield advantage here, and takes advantage of the advantage by ripping the top off of one of the cases of Oxi-Clean, unscrewing the lid off one of the jars, shouting, "GET THE TOUGH STAINS OUT...WITH OXI-CLEAN!!!", and hurling the toxic white powder at Ron!!! The powder explodes into a big poufy white cloud as it strikes...not Ron, but one of those stupid camera dollies!!! Billy says, "FUCK!!! Those damn things are always getting in the way!!!" under his breath, but it was still loud enough to hear in the parking lot outside.
Ron then goes on the attack. He runs to the bathroom to get that rotting, stinky mop, but O NOOOOO!!! He accidentally drops it in the spilled Oxi-Clean!!! This turns the mop a ghostly greyish-white and virtually eliminates the foul odour that emenated from the mop just seconds ago!!! :-O
So Ron runs back to the restroom with the mop and plunges it into the toliet...but that's no good either because the water in the bowl is clean. :-(
Ron then dashes out of the bathtroom and to Storage Area B where his secret little stash of Showtime Rotisseries are...he grabs one, takes it to the hallway, plugs it in, says, "You just set it and forget it.", and walks away -- forgetting the thing exactly as he suggests doing. A short time later, Billy appears, shouts, "GET THE TOUGH STAINS OUT...WITH OXI-CLEAN!!!", and dumps several jars of the stuff all over the Showtime. The door of the Showtime somehow springs open, so he throws some of the Oxi-Clean inside as well. But the powder overheats and subsequently burns, turns toxic -- er... downright deadly, causing Billy to run into the restroom to douche his stinging eyes out in the uranator.
Ron comes back a short time after that, inhales a lungful of the deadly gases created by the Oxi-Clean that Billy dumped all over (and inside) the Showtime, collapses on the hallway floor, pooes & piddles his pants, and bites the big one.
THE WINNER ROUND EIGHTEEN: BILLY MAYS
ROUND NINETEEN: THOSE GODDAMN QUEER RICE CRISPIES ELVES vs. THOSE GODDAMN QUEER KEEBLER'S ELVES
This battle shall take place in the kitchen & adjoining dining room of a typical middle-class household. The kitchen is equipped with what you'd expect to find in a kitchen (a refrigerator, a stove, a microwave oven, assorted small kitchen electrics, a roll of Viva brand paper towels, and a Dispoz-All food waste disposer in the right hand bowl of the double-bowl sink). The kitchen has a moderate infestation of ants, silverfish, cockroaches, and rats because the asshats who live here are too damn cheap to call an exterminator. The dining room consists of six unupholstered chairs around an oval wooden dining table; an electric candleabra with eighteen miniature screw-base incandescent light bulbs (one is burnt out) in it is hung from the ceiling directly above the table.
Since neither one of our embattled groups of elves has homefield advantage, the first ones out of their package takes first blood...and that would be those goddamn queer Rice Crispies Elves. All three of them lie in hiding by the box of Keebler's snacks, waiting for those beetle-sized creatures to emerge. They wait...and wait...and wait...and wa...HOLD ON, HERE THEY COME!!! The Rice Crispies Elves yell out (in unison), "SNAP!!! CRACKLE!! POP!!!" as if it would phase those goddamn queer Keebler's elves...it does not -- it just makes them madder than multiple piddle wingless hymenoptera (piss ants)
The Keebler's elves strike back at their tormentors by finding a large ghetto blaster and playing the Slayer song "Tormentor" at maximum candiosity...er...uh...maximum VOLUME. This causes the ears of the three Rice Crispies Elves to bleed, so they tear off some Viva paper towelling and use the pieces like aural tampons to stem the tide of brilliant green blood.
While those goddamn queer Rice Crispies Elves are making those aural tampons, those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves have something brewing...and it ain't no coffee!!! In near-perfect unison, they skitter up the dining room wall, across the ceiling, and down the chandelier. They start unscrewing the "lite" "belbs" from it and launching them into the kitchen, hoping to neutralise at least one of those goddamn queer Rice Crispies Elves...they shout in unison, "BREAKING LIGHT BELBS!!!" as each bulb is launched, but all of the bulbs implode harmlessly on the kitchen floor -- each bulb makes a loud "POW!!!" as the vacuum inside of it is suddenly relieved.
The Rice Crispies Elves grab a box of Keebler's snacks and empty it into a mixing bowl, add a little hot water (to make it really smell), and grind those bitches up with a Mixmaster stand mixer. The odour attracts all of those goddamn queer Keebler's Elves to the bowl like flies to a pile of shit, but they somehow know that jumping in would spell their doom, so they walk away, across the counter, behind the flour, coffee, and sugar canisters, and crawl under the toaster.
After a short period in hiding, the Keebler's Elves reappear to wreak more havok...they struggle with a big-ass box of Rice Crispies, pour them into the sink, struggle even harder to get a gallon of organic suspension of bovine mammary compound with 2% fat (2% milk!!!) out of the fridge, pour that in the sink too, and wait. Attracted by the rather loud "*SNAP* *CRACKLE* *POP* of their favourite cereal, all three of those goddamn queer Rice Crispies Elves fall into the sink and drown in the milk, but they nocked all of the Keebler's Elves into the sink as they went "overboard", causing them to perish as well!!!
The homeowner comes home a short time later, sees the cereal & milk in the sink, scoops it into the other side with a large metal bowl, and flushes the whole mess down the drane with the garbage disposal. That's definitely the end of our faggoty little friends if the "drowning-in-milk" part didn't do them in first.
THE WINNER ROUND NINETEEN: MUTUAL ANNHILATION
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